january 22d,2011-20 months and counting

On Saturday the 22nd of January it will be 20 months since I Lost Brad and for 20 months I had nothing b ut problems and now I believe they are ceasing.I have someone who is going to sublet my garage and i am getting some money for it.Also with the help of my neighbors and the fantastic people in my neighborhood...he lowered the rent to 850.00 a month and with the sublet I can afford it.This year it will be 45 years that I graduated high school and I am  keeping in touch with some of my classmates on Facebook and the reunion will be in October.This will be our last reunion.I cant imagine myself at 68.I cant imagine how I will look and such and I cant imagine where I will be.And on the 3rd of this year...I joined the Senior center.The Senior center has got activites and luncheons which I will attend since I was told that I cant work those long hours nomore.And in Febrary I am going to sing again the first time since 2006.Brad hated my vocal lessons and my music now I can pursue it without any of these caustic comments.People who make comments like this are jealous because they are not creative and they lack the ambition to try to find what they are good at.Music has always been part of my life and in my short life I have seen the greats.I saw The Beatles at Shea Stadium in 1965 and was the only one in my class to do so.I also saw Harry Belafonte and I will never forget it.Musi c has saved me from the terrors of drugs and i have never tried them.I have got no interest in all of these high class parties because some of the people who attend are phonies.These people just want to be the center of attention and they are rude,crude and illmannered.They also cannot have a decent conversation.All they do is talk about is themselves.And if you are not interested they are the ones who create the gossip. I went through this gossip in my teens and at 63,I have got no interest.I dont drink and I dont smoke and I dont belong to a gym.I walk daily and I feel good.I tried joining a gym and believe me it was a fiasco.The pool in the gym was absolutely dirty and you could see the water.You can pick up an infection  in these pools and the exercise equipment forget it.Not one of the ladies who used the equipment washed it.And you can catch germs because of it.Some of them look like movie stars..but I refuse to be friends with someone who is always talking about diet and her body.We are in 2011 and there have been lately incidents that can be discussed.The incident In Tuscon has made me more aware of my personal safety.Personal safety is not discussed with these ladies and it is no wonder that some of them are the victims of crime.They have got brains where the sun dont shine and they seem not to care.When I go to the gym,I leave all of my personal stuff at home.I dont carry my debit card.I just carry my id and library card.Around my waist I wear a fanny pack and here is where you can hide stuff.I take the fanny pack even when I go to the bank and i havent had trouble in years.One lady here was mugged but it could have been avoided if she went into the bank to get her money.She used the ATM and i use mine twice a month..but I always call for the balance the day before.She withdrew a lot of money and was counting it.You never count your money at the atm.This is what the lobby of the bank is for.And if I have to make a withdrawal..I make it in the bank and instead of using the main entrance i use the back entrance after I am done.The back entrance is the bus stop and the bus comes right away.I use Facebook also.But some of in seattle dont have a lot of brains.You dont disclose any personal information on any of these social networks.Noone knows my phone number and noone knows where I live.I dont broadcast my whole activity on Facebook.Facebook has enabled me to stay in touch with people that I havent seen or heard from in 35 years.But if i told them that I went to Mcdonalds for lunch...I know that they wont be interested.I did date someone whom I met on the internet and believe me...he was scary.I did not give him my real name and met him downtown seattle.He turned out to be a very nice man but after having coffee with him..I realized that he was married and wanted an affair.I dont believe in affairs.Affairs have done nothing but ruin people.And at 63...I want more out of a relationship then to be withone who is retired and has got no interest in what I like and I went through this with Brad.Brad was the love of my life and I will never forget him.I will never forget this handsome lug who had a weird sense of humor.But Brad had a demon.It is called Meth and it is the Devils Brew.This white powder has destroyed many lives in washington and all you need is one puff.Brad began to have a secret life and I found this out recently.Meth is a liar and people who try it just cant quit.But life with him was hell for the past three years and in 2008 he spent two months in jail and believe me it was hell.Brad changed after the jail and life was never the same.I stayed because of the cats and I really had no place to go.In fact,he told me to leave because he was looking for a place of his own and Brad wouldnt have survived without my income.You see,I paid all  of the bills.But i saved some money and I was going to leave him.But on May 22nd,2009...it was horrible.Brad was dead when I found out and it was pretty gruesome.He died in my arms and everyday I relive this.The cats were by his body and Kramer and Tooey were screaming.Kramer wouldnt let me near his body and stood by it as if she was protecting him.Little Tooey was screaming.It was a bloody scream.I had to pick her up she was hysterical.When the police came,I had to put the cats in the bathroom.Brad knew that my brother was coming in June of 2009 and he was going to take us to a Mariner game.He also knew that the 24th of May was my late fathers birthday.I think that Brad planned his death.I think all of this was planned.Brads last binge began on Mothers Day Weekend in May 2009.Brad hated his mother and I realize now that Brad had problems.I have done something that noone can do.I have saved the house.And I have decided to live again.There are only 2 pictures of Brad in the house and I have made 3 shrines.This is the Italian way of mourning and I will mourn Brad for the rest of my life.Losing Brad has made me realize that i can do things for myself.And it has made me also realize that I like to be alone.Living alone is a gift.I can play my radio loud.I can also have the tv on all night and I can write on my computer whenever I want to.Iknow that when it comes to my music..I will never appear on American Idol.I will never appear on any of these talent shows because of one word..which is money.You have to have money to go on these shows and you have to go when they tell you.I do believe that Brad was in torment because he realized that his so called friends were using him and he had no way out .I know that I am going to die.Everyone dies,.But I am going to die alone and i am going to die in seattle.Seattle is a great down with wonderful museums and coffee houses and i go to Starbucks everyday.I dont have any money to live anyone so I am thinking of trying to establish a fund or charity to leave some money for my nieces.Brad has made me realize that some of the people who i met have been phonies and only out for themselves.I do not see them anymore.I love this house.I clean it everyday and then I go out.I go to the bookstores and look at the books and I buy a few.I have loved books all of my life and I have always liked newspapers.I try to read a paper everyday to see what is happening in the world.The New York Times here is expensive.I also get news on the internet and I also write to various people.You have to do things for yourself and do what you like.Life is for  the living.I dont know if life is beyond the grave.My Catholic faith teaches me this.As for me..at this time.I dont have the money to travel.I dont want to go to Europe and I am the only person who doesnt want to see Paris.I am not into parties and fashion.Clothes are expensive here and I cant afford them.I also dont want to go on any of these cruises because being on a boat for 7 days with people I dont know and will never see again does not appeal to me.I also am not in nature.If you tell me that you love nature..then I say goodbye.I dont ski.I hate the cold and i have got no interest in snowboarding,jet ski and Mount Hood.I also do not hike and I do not camp.I dont do any of the outdoors because I tried it once.(we both did) not only did we come home sick from camping.We came home with bad colds.The camp site did not have heaters and we had to sleep in the car and it was freezing.The whole experience turned me off.So if you like all of the sports,remember this.Not everyone is into the outdoors and to make a person do so because you like it shows a very imature person.I also hate the beach and i hate the sun.I like to do other things and one of them is reading,going to concerts and such.I always had friends,so I am not alone...but my friends I meet at Starbucks..because noone comes over my house.I is a small house and I have got no dining room.This house was build in the 1960s.And in my lease it is stated that overnight guests are not allowed.I also have a pet clause and Kramer is an awesome cat.You have to develop your talents and the hell with other people when they comment it is just jealousy because some people dont have talent or not creative and they are afraid to develop.Brad instilled in me the need for privacy and this is what I value.I have got privacy now and i love it.And people today worry about me.There is  an alley outside my house and it is locked.I have got the key to the door and I have been using the alley way to come and go into the house.I am doing this for a reason and because I dont want a certain person to know my business.Today I got a phone call and it was on my answering machine...."Where have you been?" "It has been 3 days since we have seen you.Are you okay.Please call us."When people call me....my voice isnt on the answering machine.You will hear Brads voice and thats the why it is going to be.Brad made the recording ages ago and rerecorded it hours before his death.I also have Caller ID and this protects me.In seattle,if you dont call people right away they assume something it wrong.This isnt so with me.I will always get back to you but not right away.Sometimes it take a week and thats the way it has to be.I am in the process of looking for a part time job and I dont feel like to listening to drivel.I dont want to hear about your travels or investments.People have always believed that all baby boomers have money.This is a myth that Tom Brokaw wrote about and it is simply not true.When I graduated in 1966 it was a diferent world.The business world was different.We didnt have computers or ipods.Everything was done manually.We had electric typewriters.In 1966 the only jobs available for women were factory or retail.I did not have any skills back then as my parents wouldnt let me work while i was in school so any money I had my parents gave to me and it wasnt much.High school was different.You couldnt leave the school for lunch.We had to have lunch in the cafeteria and it was absolutely terrible.I was out of school for one year and couldnt find a job.I tried all different jobs in 1966.I tried selling over the phone and didnt work out.Then I got my first job in retail.I was a fitting room attendant.Money is a sore issue for me so please do not discuss this.It is not my fault that I am disabled,.I did not start out my working life to lose my hearing.My hearing I lost many years ago when I relocated to seattle and it has been an uphill battle since and I do function quite well.Brad taught me to use the computer.He taught me to write.He gave me the confidence that was lacking in me and I will never forget it.And the people who have helped me the most were my sainted father,my late psychiarist and Brad.These people are deceased and i will never forget them.Now I have cofidence and goals and such and Life is for the living.The 60s are my coming out years and this  means i plan to develop my talents and noone will stop me now.Guys do me a favor..please refrain from hugging and kissing me.I dont this.This was never done in my house and I did not grow up this way.Public demonstrations of affection turn me off and it is not necessary.It is not necessary to say"I love you"in public at all.I love a great deal of people and whenI havent seen anyone in years..I ran up to them and hug them...but making a big ado over a guy is disgusting and it is not worth it.People have ruined careers now and it is always over a woman or a man.Is he worth it? I dont think so and I refuse to spend the rest of my life pining over a man.I am not pining over Brad.I am in mourning and i told my grief therapy..I will mourn him forever.He gave me encouragement.He gave me the personal power that Tony Roberts speaks about and ha ving him dying in my arms has devasted me.There has been 3 other traumas in my life which still haunt me to this day.In fact,there was more.but what devasted me the most was November 1st,1987...it was a sunday.It was the day that my father came home from the hospital and died.He died in my arms and it has haunted me for years.But the biggest trauma was on August 1st,2004.Thats the day my sainted brother died.He was 68 years and he was in ill health.Frankie died in the nursing home and when I saw him in that white coffin I screamed.I only spoke to him two weeks ago before he died and he told me to leave.Then on May 22nd,2009...the lights in the house went out.I lost the love of my life and people have tried to tell me to move on and they dont know that I do things everyday and i still cry everyday...I will always love Brad And i wish he were here because there will never be another man in my life again.I was with him for 12 years and he was sober for 5.They were the happiest years of our lives and I will never forget them.Like I said I still cry everday and I dont let anyone see me.I cry alone.And someone asked me if I believe in curses and said the words of the late Robert F.Kennedy when asked about the hard luck in his family....Robert F.Kennedy said this in the late 1960s..."Good Luck is something that you make.Bad Luck is something that you endure." And with these words I will end this journal entry and say goodnight.