january 19 2012
it has been a very long time since i have journaled here. i have been keeping a separate journal at the advice of my therapist the content of which is blowing me away...... my husband is doing well, each day substance free seems to bring him closer and closer to himself and some peace. but it is early and time will tell if this is sustainable for him.
i have been working extensively with my therapist on my own upbringing and childhood. once i allowed myself to look into my past honestly with no guilt and/or denial i was devastated to discover just how dysfunctional my childhood was!!!!! no wonder i found myself in the situation i did. once i began to honestly examine my past, i found the holidays difficult. i almost could not be in the same room with my sisters and my parents. but i learned to use my boundary setting skills with them.(way harder than setting boundaries w/ hubby), and i made it through. this is quite emotionally difficult, as you might imagine. especially since i have been in big time denial for 55 years!!!!! but freeing in a way that i am grateful for every moment of every day.
i just returned from a 4 day total family immersion trip to chicago. OMG the drama!!!! but i was smart this time: stayed in a separate hotel, rented our own car, left the "party" for short periods of time when necessary, and for the first time in my life!!!!!!!! told my sister to shut the f*** up (not in those words, but close :) I feel, somehow, calmer, stronger, but in a quiet kind of way.
DS has been a great inspiration and support for me. if any one reading this is looking for advice, i say: work on yourself, do it with mindfulness and purpose, do not be afraid. i found the scary stuff is BEHIND me and i was letting it control me for way too long. love to you all. jms
i have been working extensively with my therapist on my own upbringing and childhood. once i allowed myself to look into my past honestly with no guilt and/or denial i was devastated to discover just how dysfunctional my childhood was!!!!! no wonder i found myself in the situation i did. once i began to honestly examine my past, i found the holidays difficult. i almost could not be in the same room with my sisters and my parents. but i learned to use my boundary setting skills with them.(way harder than setting boundaries w/ hubby), and i made it through. this is quite emotionally difficult, as you might imagine. especially since i have been in big time denial for 55 years!!!!! but freeing in a way that i am grateful for every moment of every day.
i just returned from a 4 day total family immersion trip to chicago. OMG the drama!!!! but i was smart this time: stayed in a separate hotel, rented our own car, left the "party" for short periods of time when necessary, and for the first time in my life!!!!!!!! told my sister to shut the f*** up (not in those words, but close :) I feel, somehow, calmer, stronger, but in a quiet kind of way.
DS has been a great inspiration and support for me. if any one reading this is looking for advice, i say: work on yourself, do it with mindfulness and purpose, do not be afraid. i found the scary stuff is BEHIND me and i was letting it control me for way too long. love to you all. jms
Replies
That\'s great. It is nice to see some positives come out of a bad situation. I need to start taking my own (and other\'s) advice and do what you say and work on myself. It\'s awesome to see it working so well for you.
I am so happy you are growing (and that your husband is doing ok). I just wanted to say thank you for being so honest about this stuff, as you know i have been seeing a therapist myself and am going through an similar experience (though I am much earlier in the game!). At any rate, I don\'t think I ever would have convinced myself to do it without your advice and support. Love right back at you!