January 14, 2010 - Session 1
Good morning everyone,
Dad had his lymph node surgery on Tuesday 1/11/11. Apparently he did really well and this should conclude his melanoma issues. I just hope that if something like this appears again, he will get this looked at earlier. He is a hurting guy right now but resting comfortably at home. They gave him a drain to fight off any viruses that might lerk. I think he'll have it on a week. Not sure.
Me, Its been a trying few weeks. My boss's boss came into my office last week Tuesday to talk to me about some of the April RN interns (senior group). Then she talked to me about how I have been feeling and whether I have talked about my issues dealing with all the surgeries, tests, diseases I have had this past year. She is also concerned that I am heading down the depression stage because I have been alittle "unkept". when she was in the office, I was ok. She even commented about my choice of work clothes. I sometimes like to wear these black knit pants (they are not bad, but not for work). she really does not want me to wear them and that she wants to improve the image of the department, especially when Jennifer (the new manager) is coming next week. I do agree with her on that, Arlene and I went shopping to Kohls a few weeks ago and I need to wear those clothes instead of what I am throwing on in the morning. I have been making stides in my appearance, its not easy because I hate to think about what to wear in the morning. I have been so use to wearing the 1st thing I see. The next day, Diane came into my office again, this time she commented on the tunic top I had on with my cord pants. I think I looked ok but she doesn't even want me to wear that either. I was wearing a necklace with it and I think I looked ok. I have about 10 tunic tops that I cannot wear to work anymore. Fine...told her that I plan on going to Kohls and buying a few tops. I wasn't feeling well on Friday so I called in. Went to Kohls on Saturday and found 3 tops reasonably priced. Diane even encouraged me to call the Employee Assistance Program which is free for employees. They are there for sessions to listen. I immediately emailed them and made an appt for 1/13 at 5pm. I think Diane has good intentions and knows that I haven't really addressed anything going on with me last year. I just kept getting hit with different things and never fully recovered. she was noticing that I was "unkept" and wanted to address that as well. I was in a spiral downward and didn't want me to suffer anymore. Jennifer will have a lot on her plate to have to deal with me so I decided to take care of this ASAP. I was vowing to make this week a better week - paying attention to my appearance, having a better outlook at work.
I went to the EAP last night and met with Judith. We went through some of my medical issues. She has been surprised that I had gone through all of that last year and with family sicknesses. she felt bad. We went through some of the meds I put on my admissions form and seems to think maybe the tamoxifen could be leaving me extremely depressed. I told her that I have missed 3 periods in a row and told me that the tamoxifen can do that. I expected it to happen within years 2-3 years. I haven't even gotten the dreaded "hotflashes" that contributes to the pill. We also talked about the PKD and how that is with me. I explained that I am not having any serious health issues with it and that I have my online support friends on DS to help me through any questions or concerns. I also explained about how my family is in denial about my kidney disease. Trying to get them tested is extremely difficult and its on my mind. I would at least like to know who my carrier is. Dad is being extrmely hardheaded about the whole thing. He refuses to get tested and thinks that what I have is in my head and that I have been reading "too much into it on the internet". My brother will get tested if he can sit still for 5 minutes (he travels for owork). My sister was tested but she was negative for PKD. I feel as though she still is borderline and I am hoping her doctor will continue to monitor her bloodwork. I also talked about my vitamin D levels being so low that I have been prescribed them. My # is/was 19. Then mentioned that I liked to stay home and felt "funny" leaving the house to do things. she suggested that I should just go out for an hour or so at a time to get out, even if its just for coffee or something with a friend. She asked me whether I felt like crying at times and told her yes, mostly at night and once in a while at work at my desk (thats rarely). Sleeping patterns? ok, somedays I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep (probably 2-3 nights). She said those are signs of clinical depression. She then asked me "what makes me the most depressed most of all". I couldn't think at the top of my head but I mostly feel like financial stuff makes me depressed. Im not bad but wish I had the money to do things and thats what makes me stay home, low funds. For homework, she told me to contact Roswell breast cancer center and speak to the NP about whether Tamoxifen can leave me depressed. Then to call over to the breast resource center to talk about antidepressives that I can take (I think its safe to take them together) and see if they have any support groups for breast cancer patients taking tamoxifen. I have to do this before my next session on the 24th. Relatively easy tasks. I was her last patient, it took an hour - didn't feel like it! We walked out of the building together. I was so drained when I got home.
Tonight is Rosanna's retirement party. Should be really nice. Looking forward to it. Judith was really encouraging that I was going. I also told her that I will be thinking about being home with Tika on my lap. She just said, not to worry - go enjoy myself - leave when I feel "uncomfortable". I feel so terrible that I turned into this, I never was like this before. when I lived at home in my early 20's I never wanted to be home and was out every single day after work. I guess everything is a work in progress, don't you agree?
Dad had his lymph node surgery on Tuesday 1/11/11. Apparently he did really well and this should conclude his melanoma issues. I just hope that if something like this appears again, he will get this looked at earlier. He is a hurting guy right now but resting comfortably at home. They gave him a drain to fight off any viruses that might lerk. I think he'll have it on a week. Not sure.
Me, Its been a trying few weeks. My boss's boss came into my office last week Tuesday to talk to me about some of the April RN interns (senior group). Then she talked to me about how I have been feeling and whether I have talked about my issues dealing with all the surgeries, tests, diseases I have had this past year. She is also concerned that I am heading down the depression stage because I have been alittle "unkept". when she was in the office, I was ok. She even commented about my choice of work clothes. I sometimes like to wear these black knit pants (they are not bad, but not for work). she really does not want me to wear them and that she wants to improve the image of the department, especially when Jennifer (the new manager) is coming next week. I do agree with her on that, Arlene and I went shopping to Kohls a few weeks ago and I need to wear those clothes instead of what I am throwing on in the morning. I have been making stides in my appearance, its not easy because I hate to think about what to wear in the morning. I have been so use to wearing the 1st thing I see. The next day, Diane came into my office again, this time she commented on the tunic top I had on with my cord pants. I think I looked ok but she doesn't even want me to wear that either. I was wearing a necklace with it and I think I looked ok. I have about 10 tunic tops that I cannot wear to work anymore. Fine...told her that I plan on going to Kohls and buying a few tops. I wasn't feeling well on Friday so I called in. Went to Kohls on Saturday and found 3 tops reasonably priced. Diane even encouraged me to call the Employee Assistance Program which is free for employees. They are there for sessions to listen. I immediately emailed them and made an appt for 1/13 at 5pm. I think Diane has good intentions and knows that I haven't really addressed anything going on with me last year. I just kept getting hit with different things and never fully recovered. she was noticing that I was "unkept" and wanted to address that as well. I was in a spiral downward and didn't want me to suffer anymore. Jennifer will have a lot on her plate to have to deal with me so I decided to take care of this ASAP. I was vowing to make this week a better week - paying attention to my appearance, having a better outlook at work.
I went to the EAP last night and met with Judith. We went through some of my medical issues. She has been surprised that I had gone through all of that last year and with family sicknesses. she felt bad. We went through some of the meds I put on my admissions form and seems to think maybe the tamoxifen could be leaving me extremely depressed. I told her that I have missed 3 periods in a row and told me that the tamoxifen can do that. I expected it to happen within years 2-3 years. I haven't even gotten the dreaded "hotflashes" that contributes to the pill. We also talked about the PKD and how that is with me. I explained that I am not having any serious health issues with it and that I have my online support friends on DS to help me through any questions or concerns. I also explained about how my family is in denial about my kidney disease. Trying to get them tested is extremely difficult and its on my mind. I would at least like to know who my carrier is. Dad is being extrmely hardheaded about the whole thing. He refuses to get tested and thinks that what I have is in my head and that I have been reading "too much into it on the internet". My brother will get tested if he can sit still for 5 minutes (he travels for owork). My sister was tested but she was negative for PKD. I feel as though she still is borderline and I am hoping her doctor will continue to monitor her bloodwork. I also talked about my vitamin D levels being so low that I have been prescribed them. My # is/was 19. Then mentioned that I liked to stay home and felt "funny" leaving the house to do things. she suggested that I should just go out for an hour or so at a time to get out, even if its just for coffee or something with a friend. She asked me whether I felt like crying at times and told her yes, mostly at night and once in a while at work at my desk (thats rarely). Sleeping patterns? ok, somedays I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep (probably 2-3 nights). She said those are signs of clinical depression. She then asked me "what makes me the most depressed most of all". I couldn't think at the top of my head but I mostly feel like financial stuff makes me depressed. Im not bad but wish I had the money to do things and thats what makes me stay home, low funds. For homework, she told me to contact Roswell breast cancer center and speak to the NP about whether Tamoxifen can leave me depressed. Then to call over to the breast resource center to talk about antidepressives that I can take (I think its safe to take them together) and see if they have any support groups for breast cancer patients taking tamoxifen. I have to do this before my next session on the 24th. Relatively easy tasks. I was her last patient, it took an hour - didn't feel like it! We walked out of the building together. I was so drained when I got home.
Tonight is Rosanna's retirement party. Should be really nice. Looking forward to it. Judith was really encouraging that I was going. I also told her that I will be thinking about being home with Tika on my lap. She just said, not to worry - go enjoy myself - leave when I feel "uncomfortable". I feel so terrible that I turned into this, I never was like this before. when I lived at home in my early 20's I never wanted to be home and was out every single day after work. I guess everything is a work in progress, don't you agree?
Replies
Hi Jen, I feel so bad that I haven\'t been here for you. Foremost, you have been through an enormous amount of stress this past year. The symptoms that you are talking about sound to me, to be completely normal, given the circumstances and the freezing cold and snow that we\'ve had. Take your time, take one step at a time, do what you can and don\'t put anymore undo stress on yourself! Are you perimenapausal at this time? At that to the mix of all your going through. I know the meds can cause early menopause, but just keep that in mind. I won\'t even tell you what I was like during my menopause. You would probably have me committed!!!!!!! You\'ve had to much on your plate, it\'s time to remove it. You can\'t do anything about your family and PKD and testing, so put it aside for now, it really doesn\'t matter, does it? Not in the long run anyway. Take care of Jen and no one else. You have lots of friends here on DS and we are all here to listen and help you. Please don\'t make more of this that it really is. And we all know what you\'ve been through this past year, more than enough for 10 people let alone one person. Keep writing and talking, you\'ll get through this, it\'s just another phase of your life.
lots and lots of love,
Norma...
I agree with Norma. You have done so well just to get through everything that\'s been happening in your life, and it\'s bound to have an effect on you. I hope you have a good time at the party - I think it\'s a good sign that you say you are looking forward to it. Don\'t be too hard on yourself - I think you\'re doing great.
Hi Jen, super big comforting hugs. my family and i are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers, and very close within our hearts, hoping and praying, that you and your dad feel much better, very soon, god bless your hearts. :) i\'m very happy, and thankful that your dad\'s test results came back with great results, and that you all are taking very good care. :) i\'m so sorry that depression is effecting you. *hugs* i\'m here for you my friend, anytime you need too talk, we\'ll make it through these rough times, and we all have many nice things to look forward too. :) You\'ve had a big year, with many stressful times, and i admire your strength, courage, and determination to keep on keeping on, and never losing hope. :) You deserve to treat yourself to a nice day out, whether it\'s going out to shop, or going to see a movie, or going to your favorite restaurant, or enjoying a peaceful day at home. :) We\'re here for you, and your family, and always will be. :) keep strong, and never lose hope. :) Wishing you all the very best of great health, happiness, and peace. :)
I\'m glad your father is doing good. I wish he\'d get tested for the PKD. Your whole family actually and that they would believe you about it. It\'s the pits when people don\'t believe you. You do sound kind of depressed in your tone in the journal. I think an antidepressant would be a good idea. Trying to dress better at work is a good idea since they are getting after you about it. At least they said something to you. I usually throw on the first thing I see too. I have a more relaxed place that I work at though. I hope you are able to get some things to wear. Everything is so expensive these days. I always shop at Ross. You can get some great deals there. A support group sounds like it would help you. You should check it out.
Jen, There may be some slight depression, but I\'m sure you are not severely depressed....It could be that a low-dose anti-depressant might help a little, but I\'ve been around the \"depression block\" for a while, and I don\'t think you have anything severe. Maybe a few months with an anti-depressant will be helpful for you.
You do have so much that goes on with your health and your family\'s health, that sometimes you don\'t realize those things can bring you down and keep you down for a while...
I will say that it is very easy to get into the habit of just keeping your own company...that is: staying in, rather than going out at night. Finding clothes that feel comfortable instead of being trendy. In my case, I\'ve gotten used to my weight and I know I need to lose a lot of it. But what is my incentive? Why should I do that?
Let\'s both find ways to improve and then we can encourage (and even push) each other to stay on course to reach our goals.