Jan 2---Memorial Day
Thanks to everyone who has written me and sent such love and caring through this difficult time. I got through things pretty good. Was with my family a lot and that helps to get through just being together. It really does not matter what day or hour or minute....my life will never be the same again since that day when my son Ken went to Heaven. I sure miss him so very much....As I stated before this would be the time period that we would have been celebrating the holiday with Ken and his family. This year I have not got to see any of Ken's family, but we will. Ken's wife and kids in AL went back to their home place in Daytona where their daughter, her husband and granddaughter are living. Kim said it was hard to be back there but she made it through. They are now back in AL, so now I can send their gifts to them or take them down. I don't know which.
I want to go to Florida to see Ken's daughter, so not sure whether I go there first or what is best to do. I hate making decisions anymore. It seems a total effort to even get out of bed or to accomplish anything anymore. I feel so empty inside anymore. I don't know if this is the grief process or if I will just always feel this way. I know the feeling starting about six months ago and I know I have done nothing to change the feelings. At this point don't even know how to change.
Just the total feeling of empty feels my entire being.
I have not wished anyone "Happy New Year"...I don't want to say it...I really don't even want to hear it....So you will find in my writings that I could not or will not say that to anyone. I am not being rude and I hope no one takes it that way. I just don't find any purpose of saying "Happy" anything. We are a society that says to each other "Happy" this or "Happy" that...but we never think maybe they are not having any "happy" feelings...so myself I feel I have to refrain from the phrase.
I do not think I can ever feel that true feeling of happiness anymore and I feel fine with it. I know that losing Ken has been the worst possible journey I have ever experienced. So for me I guess I am choosing to be in this feeling. What it feels to me this that I am going through is my shield of protection from the hurt and pain this past year has brought me.
I guess that our journey is our journey that we have to go through and each of us choose how we will feel. It is nice to know that no matter what we are going through there is each of you that is here to help each of us through our journey.
I am thankful for each of you, but wish none of us had to be here, but I am thankful that since we have been thrown into this terror of hell there are ones like each of you that send your love and takes time to encourage as we each struggle to make sence of our new life.
Thanks to each of you that write me, care for me and send you hugs and love to surround me.
Sandi
I want to go to Florida to see Ken's daughter, so not sure whether I go there first or what is best to do. I hate making decisions anymore. It seems a total effort to even get out of bed or to accomplish anything anymore. I feel so empty inside anymore. I don't know if this is the grief process or if I will just always feel this way. I know the feeling starting about six months ago and I know I have done nothing to change the feelings. At this point don't even know how to change.
Just the total feeling of empty feels my entire being.
I have not wished anyone "Happy New Year"...I don't want to say it...I really don't even want to hear it....So you will find in my writings that I could not or will not say that to anyone. I am not being rude and I hope no one takes it that way. I just don't find any purpose of saying "Happy" anything. We are a society that says to each other "Happy" this or "Happy" that...but we never think maybe they are not having any "happy" feelings...so myself I feel I have to refrain from the phrase.
I do not think I can ever feel that true feeling of happiness anymore and I feel fine with it. I know that losing Ken has been the worst possible journey I have ever experienced. So for me I guess I am choosing to be in this feeling. What it feels to me this that I am going through is my shield of protection from the hurt and pain this past year has brought me.
I guess that our journey is our journey that we have to go through and each of us choose how we will feel. It is nice to know that no matter what we are going through there is each of you that is here to help each of us through our journey.
I am thankful for each of you, but wish none of us had to be here, but I am thankful that since we have been thrown into this terror of hell there are ones like each of you that send your love and takes time to encourage as we each struggle to make sence of our new life.
Thanks to each of you that write me, care for me and send you hugs and love to surround me.
Sandi
Replies
I can only imagine your loss, I have seen it happen to both of my brothers when they lost their first born. My sister in law said it so plainly when I lost my husband. She said you know when it stops hurting....NEVER! And almost 4 years later and I know she is right. I will just wish you peace in the New Year and hope my wish is granted. Hugs!!!
It is said that you never get over it, you just get through it. Here\'s praying for peace and comfort for you! Linda
I am the same way Sandi. Our society does throw the word happy around never paying attention to what it even means. Happiness is so elusive for many people as they struggle with life\'s tribulations. Our minister said during the Christmas eve service \"to be aware of those who may not be \"merry\" this year. They may be dealing with depression, poverty, mental illness, abandonment or grief.\" As he urged us to be sensitive I realized how spot on he was. We never truly know what another person is thinking or feeling. For me I don\'t know that I will ever be happy again. I do hope I have contentedness and peace, but happiness? Don\'t think so. But I\'m like you - its ok.
I do wish you peace. Love to you and sweet Kenny, Linda
I can sure understand how you feel. It is a very depressing thought to wonder if there will ever be the word \"happy\" in your life again. I have had the same thoughts you have. I can say that I know for a fact I will never experience the \"happy\" that I did when my family was whole. But there is a feeling of something close to happy this year as I look at my oldest daughter and thank God every day for her. It is a different happy. I guess it is possible to be happy and full of pain all at the same time. I don\'t have a name for that. God bless you.
Carol
My son passed on 4/22/09. I can tell you that there are moments of happy! Somehow your loss is always on your mind but the thoughts can become sweet memories.
Happy, is a strange word and probably overused anyway. I don\'t like hearing \'Happy New Year\".. it makes me feel alienated. But you learn to try to be happy and that in itself is something. You tire of being long faced and feeling apart and all of this helps.
It just takes time. Feels like too much time, but time is a healer.
For me, when my marriage ended in 1998, I found that I could experience life with several hearts at once. Shattered and shrieking in pain, and at the same time so in love with the new puppy, so grateful for good friends, so in awe of the starry sky. Now that Andy has died, I am glad I can know this: that any joy I feel doesn\'t take away from the grief. It sits like the block of stone in my space. Nothing will make it go away. Life goes on all around it. As I have said before, my hope is that the stone will slowly start to warm up and provide a glow, even a source of strength and peace.
love to you sandi... you are doing an amazing job.
xox sarah
I cherish the moments of happiness now,somehow we move forward and for our own sanity and our family we have to find it again and we do.
My husband and I talked about this today...I think that we will always long for and miss our precious children...we just have to try and enjoy life around the loss...love and hugs...Karen
As I read your journal entry i could tell the pain is still very fresh. I then read your profile about Kenny, I feel your pain. I remember how hard that first year is, comparing each day to the prior year at that time when he was still alive. That empty feeling (that hasn\'t gone away, but now comes & goes) It does get easier, but never the same, never perfect, someone is always missing. Take it minute by minute, when ready hour by hour, soon you will be up to day by day, then week by week ... I haven\'t gotten past that yet, and it\'s been 3 yrs 8 mo. & 22 days. We are all here for you understanding your pain...many many hugs..Mari
Dear Sandi: I can so relate to the empty feeling and difficulty making decisions. I have a lot of trouble deciding even the smallest things, and more often than not, do nothing. I am glad that the holidays are over.
You are not alone - we are on this horrific journey together.
Big hugs and a lot of love,
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
Dear Sandi,.. I am so sorry,.. all I can offer is my prayer and friendship, dosent seem like enough, reading your journel,.. may God bring light to your life again,.. God Bless,... your friend, Dave
While where you\'re at will never foresee yourself having happiness again and knowing your pain will never disappear it\'s a struggle to see tomorrow. I felt the same way and now I do have moments of happiness that are forever bittersweet because Matthew won\'t be part of that. One foot in front of the other with the greatest women companioning us,, thats how we make it through. Hugs and love, Lynette ~ Matthews mom
Sandi, after the loss of my son a few people had said I would be happy again b/c I had a husband, and another son. Speaking for myself, I can tell you it tooks years for my grieving to become more gentle. We will never be totally happy, our hearts have been ripped apart, but we will survive....baby steps. You have my friendship and my prayers....Love to you, Pat
Sandi When you decide to come to FL I can be there to help if you need. I live in New Smyrna and work in Daytona. I know all of this is hard, maybe a shoulder to lean on will help take a few steps forward.
Everyone is having a difficult time, family is precious, keep them under your wing ( even if it is broken).
Any time........
Hugs Penny