Jan 2---Memorial Day

Thanks to everyone who has written me and sent such love and caring through this difficult time.  I got through things pretty good.  Was with my family a lot and that helps to get through just being together.  It really does not matter what day or hour or minute....my life will never be the same again since that day when my son Ken went to Heaven.  I sure miss him so very much....As I stated before this would be the time period that we would have been celebrating the holiday with Ken and his family.  This year I have not got to see any of Ken's family, but we will.  Ken's wife and kids in AL went back to their home place in Daytona where their daughter, her husband and granddaughter are living.  Kim said it was hard to be back there but she made it through.  They are now back in AL, so now I can send their gifts to them or take them down.  I don't know which.
I want to go to Florida to see Ken's daughter, so not sure whether I go there first or what is best to do.  I hate making decisions anymore.  It seems a total effort to even get out of bed or to accomplish anything anymore.  I feel so empty  inside anymore.  I don't know if this is the grief process or if I will just always feel this way.  I know the feeling starting about six months ago and I know I have done nothing to change the feelings.  At this point don't even know how to change.
Just the total feeling of empty feels my entire being.
I have not wished anyone "Happy New Year"...I don't want to say it...I really don't even want to hear it....So you will find in my writings that I could not or will not say that to anyone.  I am not being rude and I hope no one takes it that way.  I just don't find any purpose of saying "Happy" anything.  We are a society that says to each other "Happy" this or "Happy" that...but we never think maybe they are not having any "happy" feelings...so myself I feel I have to refrain from the phrase.  
 
I do not think I can ever feel that true feeling of happiness anymore and I feel fine with it.  I know that losing Ken has been the worst possible journey I have ever experienced.  So for me I guess I am choosing to be in this feeling.  What it feels to me this that I am going through is my shield of protection from the hurt and pain this past year has brought me.
I guess that our journey is our journey that we have to go through and each of us choose how we will feel.  It is nice to know that no matter what we are going through there is each of you that is here  to help each of us through our journey.
I am thankful for each of you, but wish none of us had to be here, but I am thankful that since we have been thrown into this terror of hell there are ones like each of you that send your love and takes time to encourage as we each struggle to make sence of our new life.
Thanks to each of you that write me, care for me and send you hugs and love to surround me.
Sandi