IVF#3 Failed
I haven't logged on in so long. I feel bad for it but I just couldn't. I just couldn't read anymore BFP's. I honestly naively thought I'd be off this roller coaster by now. I didn't think I'd be going for my 5th transfer so soon.
The last thing I wanted to be was an IVF veteran. I wanted to be one of the lucky bitches that got it first or second time. But here I am, feeling older than my years and I have no idea why everything is not working. I'm not getting any to freeze anymore but I'm still blessed enough that I have at least one to put back in every cycle. That's one more than none and I'm thankful for that. But it just means I go through a fresh cycle way more sooner than I thought I would. No FET breaks for me. Maybe that's why I feel so tired.
IVF#2 took a lot out of me emotionally. I can still hear my piercing screams as I saw the blood a few days before my pregnancy test. It took me 2 months to recover from that. Even now, my heart still feels sharp pain when I remember that moment.
The failure of IVF#3 felt so standard, when I saw the blood I was like "yeah so it didn't work again" and almost shrugged it off. Don't get me wrong I'm still gutted. But right now I feel mostly numb. I'm kind of in shock. Like I can't believe I'm going for my 4th IVF cycle now, and my 5th transfer! Like I honestly thought it'd be a couple of years before I was on this number. But with no eggs to freeze it's meant my failed IVF counts are piling up faster. Gah I know I'm rambling.
I did everything right this time too. No mistakes on my meds, I ate really well. did yoga and even tried acupuncture this time around. But it still amounted to no baby.
I cried to my younger brother yesterday. I felt so bad, I'm usually the strong sister. I confessed to him about how much I earn these days and cried how unhappy I am and how I would trade all the money in the world I'm earning now for a baby. I really would. It's strange how the world works out doesn't it? When I was younger I thought money would make me happy. Now that I earn more than I every thought possible I'm miserable because what I really want is a baby with my husband.
The last thing I wanted to be was an IVF veteran. I wanted to be one of the lucky bitches that got it first or second time. But here I am, feeling older than my years and I have no idea why everything is not working. I'm not getting any to freeze anymore but I'm still blessed enough that I have at least one to put back in every cycle. That's one more than none and I'm thankful for that. But it just means I go through a fresh cycle way more sooner than I thought I would. No FET breaks for me. Maybe that's why I feel so tired.
IVF#2 took a lot out of me emotionally. I can still hear my piercing screams as I saw the blood a few days before my pregnancy test. It took me 2 months to recover from that. Even now, my heart still feels sharp pain when I remember that moment.
The failure of IVF#3 felt so standard, when I saw the blood I was like "yeah so it didn't work again" and almost shrugged it off. Don't get me wrong I'm still gutted. But right now I feel mostly numb. I'm kind of in shock. Like I can't believe I'm going for my 4th IVF cycle now, and my 5th transfer! Like I honestly thought it'd be a couple of years before I was on this number. But with no eggs to freeze it's meant my failed IVF counts are piling up faster. Gah I know I'm rambling.
I did everything right this time too. No mistakes on my meds, I ate really well. did yoga and even tried acupuncture this time around. But it still amounted to no baby.
I cried to my younger brother yesterday. I felt so bad, I'm usually the strong sister. I confessed to him about how much I earn these days and cried how unhappy I am and how I would trade all the money in the world I'm earning now for a baby. I really would. It's strange how the world works out doesn't it? When I was younger I thought money would make me happy. Now that I earn more than I every thought possible I'm miserable because what I really want is a baby with my husband.
Replies
I\'m so sorry to hear of your struggles. It\'s not fair at all. I hope that you have success very soon, and I hope that you can get more than 1 egg from your next cycle, just in case you need it.
Thinking of you and sending lots of love.
Ugh. I\'ve been thinking of you, and I was so excited to see your name...until I read the subject line. This is just crap. It\'s so unfair. I\'m about to do my 5th transfer too...maybe 5 will be both of our lucky numbers. xoxoxoxo
GAH! This is crap! I\'m so sorry, friend. I can\'t imagine what you\'re going through and wish there were some magic wand I could have to make it all go away. I hope #5 is your lucky number ... I\'m going to say every prayer I know and cross every thing I can. Keep us posted!