its broken, im broken
Today was my aunts funeral it was a lovely service. It was hard to say goodbye. I saw my cousions gf who is due in the same month i was. I had to sit there aand listen to him tell my mum they had a scare about 6 weeks ago bc his gf started bleeding and they thought she was loosing the baby at this stage i just burst in2 tears. They thought it was 4 my aunty though, What really pissed me off was 10 mins later i saw her outside smoking its just not fair y did god take my baby n not hers. I feel like such a bitch 4 saying that but i was doing everything right i was a smoker but gave up the min i found out i was pregnant Itss just not bloody fair. Y couldnt i be the 1 still pregnant. Im so evil 4 even thinking that.I ordered a porcelain figure of an angel carrying a baby for Macy i got it in the mail today and it was broken im so mad that they didnt take care of it but the surprising thing is I always knew i would get it broken so i wasnt surprised at all when i opened it.I was suposed to go 2 work today but told them i wasnt coming still havent decided if im going 2mro. If it wasnt 4 the money it would be easier to just leave.Still not getting any sleep at night its 3:27am still awake i think it has a major effect on my mood.I found a white angel teddy i brought when I was Pregnant with Macy its sitting on my lap right now i think i will sleep with it tonight. I still have the baby clothes i brought 4 her in my wardrobe i hhavent had the strength to look at them. I dont know what to do with them do i return them, keep them 4 another baby, donate them or just put them away?
Replies
I understand your pain and the question as to the fairness. It is not fair and m/c does not discriminate between those who do/don\'t deserve a baby. It just happens and it sucks.
If you are still having trouble sleeping you probably need to find a solution - talk to a Dr about taking a prescription or try exercise, relaxation, a glass of wine, etc. Not sleeping wrecks havoc on your already vulerable mood (trust me - I had the same situation).
I hope sleeping with the teddy bear brings you some comfort. As far as the baby clothes go, take your time in making a decsion on what to do with them so you don\'t second guess yourself later.
Thinking of you!
I understand what you are saying about the fairness of it all. I too see pregnant women not taking care of their health and it just breaks my heart. I don\'t understand. But I don\'t think God chooses who loses their baby and who gets to keep theirs. Things are not perfect because of Adam and Eve\'s sin, so sometimes bad things happen to good people. And it\'s not anyone\'s fault, not even God\'s. I hope this gives you some comfort, it did me. So sorry for your loss. :\'( I am here if you need to talk.
My heart goes out to you right now. Yiu\'re not evil for having those thoughts about your cousin\'s girlfriend, you\'re just human. Give yourself a break. My DH\'s niece smoked through both her pregnanices and it makes me sick! Why them and not us????? Hopefully if will be us soon.....hugs.