Its been YEARS since I have written about my translocation.

I joined DS back in 2007 after experiencing multiple miscarriages. I have had a total of 7, I think. I had a couple very early positive test and I don't even know if I can count them or not or what happened so I just stick with 7. So 7 losses and 2 live births! <<< (Who loses count of miscarriages? - This girl.)
I have two AMAZING sons who are now 4 and 5. After years of losses I had Aiden and no miscarriages in between had Parker 14 months later. I am blessed and humbled by my position as their mother.
Life after infertility is well, good.
Who wants to have infertility right?!
However, it is still life after having infertility. For me personally, after having so many close friends who were ttc and then being the one who got my babies you carry this guilt. A guilt that I'm sure is similar to the guilt that loved ones who have no problem having babies feel. Its an odd feeling to have something that you cant give to anyone else. To know you have something they so badly desire and deserve. Its just kind of awkward. No good words take away the pain of infertility. 
So flash forward to today. I'm 30 years old. I had my first miscarriage at 18. It feels like a long time ago that I was mourning for babies. from 18 to 24 was my precise condition. Mourning loss after loss. Feeling broken, incomplete, and angry. 
So, 30 today and pregnant for the 10th time. Yup. I'm pregnant.
We have not used any contraceptive for 3+ years and I never got pregnant. I even went to my ob to investigate what was going on. Why I, who was extremely fertile in the past (even though it usually ended in miscarriage) cant seem to even get pregnant. 
I had multiple cyst but no major problems. We thought that maybe a medication my husband was on caused a lower sperm count.
We just decided that we were lucky to have the two that we have and that we would just take a baby if it came and if not that was okay too.
So here I am pregnant and for many women who so badly want babies a positive test is such an exciting thing. It is for me too but its just not that simple.
I'm pregnant and now I will hurry up and wait. When you know 75% of the eggs in your body are non-viable and that you have a huge chance of losing the baby its a game changer. I'm excited and I'm scared and I feel like because I have 2 live children I don't have as much of a right to be so upset about my translocation anymore. 
I have my boys and many people never get that.
This is my body and right now, their is a baby in it and I wait for 5 weeks to go to an ultrasound to see if their is a heartbeat or none... just an empty sac that has genetic retardation that is so horrible that my baby cannot grow. 
Hopefully we will go to the visit and see a active heart rate and jumping little peanut but I have to face the facts.... there is a larger chance that it wont be that way. I may start to lose the baby tomorrow or in a couple weeks or go to the appointment and be told I need to wait for the baby to pass.... I have to brace myself for that. Every pregnancy and it doesn't get easier because I already have babies. I would like to keep this one.
All in all I am thankful for my faith. It is the ONLY thing that gets me through.
I want this baby earthy or heavenly. I would rather have created him or her and get to meet them later, on the other side then never create them at all.