Its been a while
Its been so long. 3 1/2 years. Last I logged on more of less, LovesToLaugh had just passed away. November 17 2011. I've been friends of her daughter since then and we talk every day... and just yesterday, dug through all of her old emails. Lots of wave files and photographs which is nice... and sad. But nice. She passed just five weeks after her diagnosis with stage 4 colon cancer. We'd just spoke over the phone the night before. She hadn't felt well in days but that's to be expected with chemotherapy and tubes hanging from your midsection. Terrible, terrible time. But as I say, her daughter and I grew close in her absence. Life is good.
But a few months after she passed I put most of her pictures away... I think I needed that. Instead I burned a lot of candles and in fact I still do. She's given me a reason for it. Typically from late November to just before spring... The long, dark season as I call it. A good time for candles and remembering the people you've lost... so it sort of works in its way. Her real name was Angela and I can't think of a better match to a persons character. She truly was an angel to those close to her. Always trying to be helpful. Bending over backwards in that pursuit with friends as well as strangers taking fruit baskets to her local firefighters over the holidays and paying the tuition of at least three people that I know of so they could move ahead in their lives. She was kind and sweet and loved by all.
I don't even recall the reason I went digging through her old emails to me yesterday, but once there I made certain to download every photo she had ever sent me. Pictures of her, pictures of her home. Pictures of her two boxer dogs and even once, a picture of her daughter. A stunner that one, just like her mother.
Anyway I guess I'm here because I tried accessing old messages stored here through those email links, only to find myself locked out of my old account... Passwords issues of some sort, mind like a sieve for that sort of thing. And it feels strange here again. When I came originally I was feeling pretty desperate over one thing and another. Better now mostly. Over 8 years sober and tobacco free for 4 years. I've even seemed to got a handle on my weight issues. I'm just three pounds from the weight I last saw in my 20's.
These days I'm trying to find work in my new field and hope to return to school one day. I'm 54 now and trying to convince myself I have what it takes to return to school. That my life isn't over... that its just changed quite a bit. Lots of introspection. I'm basically of two minds on any given day. The sad sack, major depressive that can't seem to get out of his own way, and the person that see's that all as a reaction of a lot of difficult early life experiences. On my better days I tell myself its something I can manage. That the fact I was able to drop some of the most toxic and mind numbing addictions known to man on my own speaks to an inner strength. That I'm actually a lot more intelligent than I felt growing up... In time I think. In time all of that will likely change for the better.
I'm on meds again and that's been hugely helpful. I was afraid of them for years. I'd been on them before with good results but terrible side effects that lingered on years after I stopped taking them. That's better now and its hugely helpful. So if I've returned here its for a different set if issues than before. Things are better now. I believe in myself more today, in part based on the growth I've seen since my departure. Some things don't change, but I'm free to confront them as well.
Hello if anyone's still out there...
But a few months after she passed I put most of her pictures away... I think I needed that. Instead I burned a lot of candles and in fact I still do. She's given me a reason for it. Typically from late November to just before spring... The long, dark season as I call it. A good time for candles and remembering the people you've lost... so it sort of works in its way. Her real name was Angela and I can't think of a better match to a persons character. She truly was an angel to those close to her. Always trying to be helpful. Bending over backwards in that pursuit with friends as well as strangers taking fruit baskets to her local firefighters over the holidays and paying the tuition of at least three people that I know of so they could move ahead in their lives. She was kind and sweet and loved by all.
I don't even recall the reason I went digging through her old emails to me yesterday, but once there I made certain to download every photo she had ever sent me. Pictures of her, pictures of her home. Pictures of her two boxer dogs and even once, a picture of her daughter. A stunner that one, just like her mother.
Anyway I guess I'm here because I tried accessing old messages stored here through those email links, only to find myself locked out of my old account... Passwords issues of some sort, mind like a sieve for that sort of thing. And it feels strange here again. When I came originally I was feeling pretty desperate over one thing and another. Better now mostly. Over 8 years sober and tobacco free for 4 years. I've even seemed to got a handle on my weight issues. I'm just three pounds from the weight I last saw in my 20's.
These days I'm trying to find work in my new field and hope to return to school one day. I'm 54 now and trying to convince myself I have what it takes to return to school. That my life isn't over... that its just changed quite a bit. Lots of introspection. I'm basically of two minds on any given day. The sad sack, major depressive that can't seem to get out of his own way, and the person that see's that all as a reaction of a lot of difficult early life experiences. On my better days I tell myself its something I can manage. That the fact I was able to drop some of the most toxic and mind numbing addictions known to man on my own speaks to an inner strength. That I'm actually a lot more intelligent than I felt growing up... In time I think. In time all of that will likely change for the better.
I'm on meds again and that's been hugely helpful. I was afraid of them for years. I'd been on them before with good results but terrible side effects that lingered on years after I stopped taking them. That's better now and its hugely helpful. So if I've returned here its for a different set if issues than before. Things are better now. I believe in myself more today, in part based on the growth I've seen since my departure. Some things don't change, but I'm free to confront them as well.
Hello if anyone's still out there...
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