it will be 3 months tomorrow-brads death by vader

Tomorrow it will be 3 months that I lost Brad and everyday I am wondering.What did I do wrong? The day before this happened,we were reallytalking and laughing...our problems were decreasing.The cats were getting along and Brad was on the verge of killing himself and I didnt see the signs.Why dont you men talk? I mean what is the big deal of talking? Isnt it stupid to be occupied with sports and Rush Lamburgh ? How about getting to know you? How about communication? WHy are you so afraid to come out of this relationship as a equal? What is the matter with you? And I am getting tired of meeting these nice guys....why? Because half of them are stupid and half of them dont know how to cope with rejection.Brad was still nursing a wound he got in college.It was the early 1970s and he was 17.He won a scholarship to Nebraska where he played football.This is where the family moved to.But Brad met a girl there and they started dating.They were both young.She got pregnant.This was before abortion.The parents agreed that Brad and her should get married for the sake of the baby.Then somethind did happen she changed her mind.She had the baby.She put it up for adoption and she never saw Brad again.Never.Brad went to his grave not knowing whether he had a son or daughter and during his last days...this was all he talked.I told Brad...look..what kind of role model will you be? You are a drug addict and a alcohol and you are chroncially unemployed because you dont like to work...Look...all of this happened 30 years ago..why is he digging up spoiled milk? What is with men with children? Is Brad telling me that a child would have made our relationship better? Hasnt he heard about child abuse?From January until April...child abuse cases in seattle has increased.One girl had a baby in the shower and put it in a dumpster....!Brad never heard of it because Brad never read the paper,books or watched tv...and this is what has bothered me.Why dont you men read? What is so bad about reading? YOu can go to Barnes and Noble like I do every week and see the books there.It is fabulous and they have wonderful subjects.Right now in seattle.Being a Vampire is hot.Vampires are hot here and what is the big deal over vampires? I mean who wants to live to be 800 years old? do you? I dont.! The Twilight saga about Bella and Edward is one of the most romantic love stories that i have ever read.Edward is one nice looking vampire and Bellas love for him it just so great.Brads death was planned and like it or not,.suicide isnt the easy way out.Brads sister and brothers have helped me.As for me...I am not paying Brads bills.He made them,not me.Brads sister and I have to make undo Brads mess.That s right...we are cleaning up his mess and i dont like it.He had no right in doing this.Brad knew that my brother was coming here in June.We had tickets to the Mariners game.He was suppose to take Brad out and Brad was suppose to get a steak.He didnt.I found Brads body on 5/22/09.It was horrible.Brad had slashed his wrists.He left me no note.He left me limited funds and i haveĀ  to get a job....Jobs are hard to find now in seattle and I have been disabled for 10 years....this isnt fair.I wanted to retire.He knew this.Now I cant..how dare he or anyone? I planned my retirement when I was 50..now it is a flash in the pan because Brad and all of these so called nice guys didnt have the courage to tell me that he was having money problems.What am I having? So stop thinking of you...it is not you...you...you...I do things everyda y and I dont have to go to fancy night clubs or concerts......Brad why? can anyone tell me why?