it will be 16 months and still hurting

On the 22nd of September it will be 16  months that my Brad took his life.And i am in so much pain I am hurting also.And all of the therapies that have been recommended simply do not help.I feel so helpful and regected.I feel so alone.And being alone is something that I have been all of my life.When I was 8 in 1955,my father and mother both had to work.There was a mixup and my brothers were not home and I was in the house all alone.I called my grandmother and she came right down and asked "where is your mother?" I told her that she was working and she said"oh." Back in 1955,mothers did not work.But my mother had to work part time because they just got the house.We were in the house for two years and thats when the money problems started and my grandmother was mad at the both of them.Then at 7 o clock my older brother came home and my grandmother told him..."Never leave your sister in this house alone again.A crazy person just killed a little girl in Brooklyn".My brother told my grandmother that he didnt know that my mother was working but he did not know about the murder.Then my parents came home and she told him.The next day my father was a bit mad that I called my grandmother.(This wasnt done in 1955).I told my father that I didnt like to be alone and he said "Vader...I dont know how to say this to you but you are still little.You have got a lot of growing up to do.And when you grow up you will discover the pleasure it is to be alone.Sometimes life isnt nice.You must learn to be alone.You  must learn to adjust to it.I had to when mommy was sick in the hospital"and then my father smiled.From that day on,I have never regretted being alone.I love it.When I am alone,I can do things that I cant do when Brad was around and it is fun to do this.Being alone isnt a sin.It is a challenge and It is something that I have adjusted to since 1955.Now I am 62 and I am adjusting to the life of a widow.Brad and I were together for 12 years.I miss Brad.I miss his smile and i miss his companionship.Brad,the house and the cats were all that I had cause I did not work much.Brad made very good money.And I am sorry it didnt work out but life can be a challenge.I know within my heart that Brad has found peace.He never had peace when he was living.He was always quitting job after job and going into rehabs.Brad went through 12 rehabs in his short life.And his parents and family were getting tired of it.Brad wanted to be something that he wasnt.He wanted a girl that he couldnt have.He wanted something that was beyond his reach and if he reached it..I dont think he would havebeen happy.He was clean and sober for 5 years and they were the happiest 5 years of our life together.The fights stopped.So did the weird people and when people drink the people that they attract are not exactly the best.I am alone now and I am happy that my cat and i have peace and this.I do miss Brad.But I must learn to live without him and drinkers dont always make good friends anymore.I cant bother with people who drink and smoke and take pot and I refuse to do so.I am 62 years and I went through this stage in 1967 when I was 19 and stupid.Things were different for me in 1967 and I am glad that I have come this far.