It Started in the Womb
My PTSD had been set up in the womb. My mother had been molested and abused, thus setting off that chemical that passed on to me and my two sisters, both of whom have eating disorders. I went to chemical and alcohol addiction early on in life.
My father left for Korea 3 weeks after impregnating Mom, and never believed I was his child (even to this day). So, the letters and heated exchanges between them was felt while I was developing, as Mom had lots of sadness trying to prepare for a third, unexpected child 4 years after she'd had her 2nd daughter.
From the time I can remember, the only things I can mostly recall are painful times. So many, they would be too numerous to relate here. The telling tale in that is that I do not remember too many happy times as a child. There are some, but are overshadowed greatly by the traumas.
Traumas continued throughout my life, and continue to. I'm finally with a great Trauma Therapist, yet I fear it is too late for me. I am hoping to find some peace here. Also hoping to find some way to become interested in life again.
My father left for Korea 3 weeks after impregnating Mom, and never believed I was his child (even to this day). So, the letters and heated exchanges between them was felt while I was developing, as Mom had lots of sadness trying to prepare for a third, unexpected child 4 years after she'd had her 2nd daughter.
From the time I can remember, the only things I can mostly recall are painful times. So many, they would be too numerous to relate here. The telling tale in that is that I do not remember too many happy times as a child. There are some, but are overshadowed greatly by the traumas.
Traumas continued throughout my life, and continue to. I'm finally with a great Trauma Therapist, yet I fear it is too late for me. I am hoping to find some peace here. Also hoping to find some way to become interested in life again.
Replies
It is NEVER too late to receive care and compassion. Your \"recovery\" is only limited by the amount of love you can absorb and the love that you can extend to yourself.
I\'m glad you\'re here.
Arthur Janov would agree wholeheartedly that your trauma started in the womb.
Tigerpaws, I have to be very cautious about seeing the word \"limited\" as it relates to something I have any control over. Especially having the journey with PTSD that I have had, along with all the different transformative (spiritual) teachings I have studied over the past 24 years.
If there were such a thing as a limitation that I could control or would deliberately choose to \"allow\" is something that is very familiar to me as a concept of lack...an innate lack that has transpired as a natural result of the traumas that I have lived within and through.
So to say that The amount of love I can absorb is the only thing that will limit my recovery just does not track for me.
I do understand what your intent is in saying that. I just thought I would do the assertive thing here and say that I honest cannot agree with the way that statement is framed. No disrespect is intended in this sharing of my ideas that appear to be different from yours in this regard, as so much of what you\'ve expressed and taught on my thread has been very warmly received.
As to the amount of love that I can extend to myself...that one, too, is troublesome to me. I have some debilitating illnesses that leave me so fatigued and in pain now... that, while earlier in life, I could go take that bath with candles while younger, there are many times now when I cannot even put on a pair of pants (I\'m a healthy 152 lbs at 5\'5\") due to severe back spasms and tightness that makes reaching my feet with my hands while bending the knees upward a struggle more often than not.
So, extending love has become a mental process, of course, rather than an outward show. This is coming at the rate that it will come, based in large part on what time I can physically give to living life outside of what absolutely has to be done each day...which sometimes takes me all day just to get meals and barely keep the dishes cleaned and nothing more gets done, as I get so busy with whatever \"job around here\" needs doing.
My greatest love is gardening, which is taking more and more out of me. There are days when I can absolutely surprise myself at what I can get done, but it comes with great pain. I actually made it to the hottub where I live in the clubhouse tonight, and that was an absolute - hey drop everything and just go, right now - kind of deal to get done, because I want to get my pants on for a jazz concert I am going to tomorrow.
I think for me it has to come by a natural progression...for I have seen where I have worked to hard to make those self-love extensions come about, and so they just felt coerced almost. Now, it happens almost naturally, and then I can see, and go \"wow, will you look at that - look what you just did\" or look what just transpired without too much effort.
I hope that helps you understand that what I\'m getting at is this: When I made an effort to extend love to myself, it did not feel a natural process, ergo, it felt forced and fake. When it comes by natural process, then the gratitude comes in and I relax with the embrace of the universe doing for me what I sometimes just cannot do for myself. It feels as though I am truly being carried in this way, and cared for ... and it ends up not being just another job that \"I\" have to do (because I \"can\" yet I found I didn\'t always want to)... Now, when it just happens and I get to be that recipient of a serendipitous moment, Yahoo! A mystery just unfolded around me and it was like magic and feels more real!
I am blessed, truly, to be able to see this.
So, by your typing that comment on my journal, you actually helped me process something huge here in print! For that, I thank you and the Universe, immensely!!!
I mention in the comment/reply above to Tigerpaws that I am going to a jazz concert tomorrow. I had looked online about a month ago for different things to do in this new community where I moved to about a year ago. (I had ankle surgery soon after moving in, so I have only been able to engage in outside the home activities for about 4 months now, since May)...
It\'s $15, potluck, 100 people, in someone\'s \"backyard\" - this month with a pool. While I have some trepidation about this event, I am looking forward to doing something fun and that does not involve talking about recovery or therapy as the focus! And it\'s with other people! Not like just going swimming at my pool, or hitting the hot tub, both of which are usually singular events for me, and involve physical therapy, something good for the body.
I\'ve been very excited to do something for the \"soul\" that is not \"work!\"
Today, Wed. 9/1/10: I have an appt w/hand surgeon today. scheduled back procedure for 9/10, so base-thumb joint-implant & carpal tunnel release surgery might have to wait until after Oct1st.
I\'ve been in touch with a girl I knew as a child, and this is where much of my PTSD hit, as well. She\'s a year and a half older than I am, so I\'m not sure at all if she remembers what all we did as kids, or cares to remember if she doesn\'t, so I emailed her that the reason I\'ve not called to catch up as quickly as one might thing a person would do after no contact with someone for almost 40 years.
I await her return email. I was not specific, just said I\'m working with a trauma specialist now and so a lot of stuff is coming up for me, and that many days I have a great spirit, yet many more are sad and dark.
Oh Zennah, I see you are journaling but adding replies to the initial entry. People look for new journal entries and may be passing your updates. We get a trail at bottom of our pages of new journal entries by members & friends. We won\'t get that for \"replies\" to one entry.
THanks Trissa - I think I was just journalling for myself above. I added a new topic twice in the past week (on 5/17 and one today 5/25) about my Sovaldi and Riva treatment that started last Sunday. I don\'t come to this site often at all. But now on treatment, I\'m looking around a little more when I can.