It's too dark.
I have struggled with suicide thoughts again. I did tell you that I wasn't anymore, and that's true, but in the last few days I have resume idealising it. I don't want to say how exactly, but I just know I'm not going to do it, still they are there and it's so real. But then it just doesn't seems rights, even though it makes a certain sense.
The point is that I watched, by some irony ou act of destiny, one movie and one episode of a show I like, which the main characters commit/attempt suicide. It made me really think about the matter, you know, in a realistic sort of way, that it is a not-coming-back decision. It won't end just pain, but everything you have in this life.
I'm starting to deal with it, I don't want to die, I'm afraid and I'm sort of alone (I have friends, but still I can't say that they'll always be there for me whatever happens). I'm making progress, some soul searching. I'm glad I have come this far and everyday I move away from suicide and the urge to give up. I tell myself that suicide is a bad thing, that the more I think about it, the more I make it harder to heal. That I'm making progress, being a better someone, and thinking about end my life just depreciate my victories.
It's just that thinking about it is somehow comforting. I found few things comforting, and the only people that conforts me is the people here on DS. But I have to say that sometimes I want the comfort and the warmth of a real embrace, and no one is going to give me that, and I just can't ask, I can't deal with people knowing about my depression and don't caring about / understanding what is happening to me. And worse, they would talk about me behind my back, some people would be mean, I just know that. I can't. I need to understand this first, then I'll tell my best friends.
In the end, I don't want to think about suicide anymore. I need to replace this thoughts with good things. And it's not easy, you don't just say "I will replace it" and there it is, just the way I wanted. I'll try very hard to keep my mind positive, I don't know how I'll do it exactly, but it is something I have to do.
The point is that I watched, by some irony ou act of destiny, one movie and one episode of a show I like, which the main characters commit/attempt suicide. It made me really think about the matter, you know, in a realistic sort of way, that it is a not-coming-back decision. It won't end just pain, but everything you have in this life.
I'm starting to deal with it, I don't want to die, I'm afraid and I'm sort of alone (I have friends, but still I can't say that they'll always be there for me whatever happens). I'm making progress, some soul searching. I'm glad I have come this far and everyday I move away from suicide and the urge to give up. I tell myself that suicide is a bad thing, that the more I think about it, the more I make it harder to heal. That I'm making progress, being a better someone, and thinking about end my life just depreciate my victories.
It's just that thinking about it is somehow comforting. I found few things comforting, and the only people that conforts me is the people here on DS. But I have to say that sometimes I want the comfort and the warmth of a real embrace, and no one is going to give me that, and I just can't ask, I can't deal with people knowing about my depression and don't caring about / understanding what is happening to me. And worse, they would talk about me behind my back, some people would be mean, I just know that. I can't. I need to understand this first, then I'll tell my best friends.
In the end, I don't want to think about suicide anymore. I need to replace this thoughts with good things. And it's not easy, you don't just say "I will replace it" and there it is, just the way I wanted. I'll try very hard to keep my mind positive, I don't know how I'll do it exactly, but it is something I have to do.
Replies
DEAR SWEET GIRL, AT YOUR AGE IT IS EASY TO HAVE SUCH TOUGHT, ESPECIALLY WHEN FAMILY ARE NOT LOVING AND CARING..IT HAPPEND TO ME AND TO MY DAUGHTER, I FOUND A LETTER SHE WROTE, NOW SHE DOESN\'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING, PUT THE TOUGHTS OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU ARE YOUNG AND HAVE A LIFE AND MANY YEARS IN FRONT OF YOU,AND EVEN WITH ALL THE SUFFERING WE GO THROUGH LIFE IS A GIFT FROM \'\'GOD\'\',AND HE HAS A PLACE AND A PURPOSE FOR YOURS, PLEASE TRUST ME, SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL IS IN STORE FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE HEART OF \'\'JESUS\'\' ,YOU FEEL PAIN, LOSS, BROKENESS, AND HE LOVES YOU BECAUSE OF IT, SELFISH PEOPLE WOULD NEVER FEEL HIS LOVE IN THEIR HEARTS ,[CRYING ],I WILL KEEP YOU IN PRAYER,LIKE YOU ARE MY OWN CHILD, BE BACK SOON AND SHARE WITH ME, LOVE YOU LUCY..
WE NEED TO FIND SOMEONE TO HELP YOU AND HUG YOU, I AM CONTACTING A PASTOR IN THE US, HE MIGHT KNOW AN ANGEL THERE.TRUST ME IN \'\'JESUS NAME\'\'..