It's starting to get BETTER! Finally!!

I wanted to share this to give some hope, for those who are in the thick of it. <3So after 5 months -- after moving out and separating -- of being in this fog, depression, anxiety, fear, feeling stuck, feeling abandoned, wanting to give up...Finally! I'm starting to feel better. It's like the sun is slowly coming out from a cloud.Before...and maybe you feel this way now?I just wanted to give up for a long time. I only had a shred of hope. I didn't believe people who said I was "better off." I was upset that I was "left with nothing" and part of me wanted him back desperately. I was angry I was left alone, older, and broke. I cried every single day, sometimes for 5-6 hours. I felt he was my "one shot" at happiness, and that shot being over, I didn't have any more shots. I cried in public 3 times...which is not something I "do." Things aren't resolved yet, but I'm starting to feel happier! :) I didn't think it was possible to be happy ever again. I almost can't believe it!But it's true. Even though I don't have my finances figured out, am still looking for new work, and am single, and the divorce is just starting -- I don't care!!! because today, I felt happy almost ALL day today!!!What's helped is a few things. 1) First, starting to ASK for what I want. This really scared me before. I can say "no" now, without anyone screaming at me. yes! :) Being away from constant criticism cleared my "mind fog." 2) I also started to take actions that I wanted to do, regardless of his reaction -- not going out of my way to bother him, but not letting him run the show anymore. (So I hired my own lawyer -- he didn't want me to -- and I asked him to pay for it. It was hard for me to ask, but I did. He didn't want to, but he's now agreed). 3) Every day, when I start to feel anxious, I ask myself, "What is best for me?" Doing this got me out of the house today, where as in the past, I would have stayed home and moped. Part of you KNOWS what's best for you, if only you ask, "what is best for me?" part of you will rise up and get it done. 4) The abuse wears you down, and you forget who you are. I felt like I disappeared. I couldn't remember who I was, or what I was good at. I felt so confused, and like I had amensia -- I think this is why I stayed. I felt like I was drowning, and "needed" to be rescued. So now I'm working on regaining my identity! I found something else that helped, is just to look at photos of yourself, over time. It helped me remember who I was/am. I was like, duh! How could I forget that I exist? Also, to make a list of things you're proud that you've done in your life (big or small).5) Other things, I started to take Valerian and some other supplements for the anxiety, eating healthier (more vegetables, less sugar -- it reminds me that I care about myself to eat healthier), and I started walking a lot to burn off some of the stress. I try to take deep breaths every time I think of it. Also, when I start feeling really depressed (and want to sleep all day) I drink 1 cup of coffee. The caffeine makes me perky and I take more action doing that. Don't drink too much though, because it makes the anxiety worse. 6) I started reading these books called "inner bonding" that help you deal w/ your feelings so you can take care of yourself better, and not have to rely on others as much. I used to ignore most of my feelings and feel I was "weak" for having those "annoying" sensations of pain. Now I stop and ask myself "what is going on? What am I feeling and why?" And I feel SO much better. 7) Also, I mourned really intensely for 5 months. I'm not sure if that was bad or good. But this is the first time I've thought clearly since I left. I still have moments of confusion, but for the most part it's better. 8) This forum really helps too, because the stories are all the same. So you KNOW it's not YOU. It's THEM. Thank you all for YOUR stories, as they have helped me greatly. 9) I can see REALITY now. I didn't see that for the last 2 years. I can now realize that I couldn't face that he wasn't the man I thought he was, in those first 6 months (my dream man, who I "deserved" to marry -- kind, sweet, soft, perfect). When it was shown to be fake, I couldn't accept it. I was CONFUSED with the contradictions "how could my perfect man lie to me and go to a strip club all night?" So I had to make up stories to explain it..."He must be so depressed at work, he needed an outlet, etc." So I struggled to convince myself he was "still good." Through 4 therapists, books, long discussions, trying to fix all of his and my problems, trying to be perfect, trying to "understand why" so we could make it better. Holding out HOPE that we'd be OK, and my "perfect marriage" that I deserved would be saved.I was NOT strong enough to SEE the truth -- it was shocking. A hollow, empty man, with no feelings for others at all, smart and adept at creating an image of himself like he was James Bond (I found his dating book, that he had practically memorized...it worked on me), but devoid of ANY caring for me (or anyone), and I truly believe he would not stop me from being run over by a bus, if it didn't benefit him in some way.
I still cry for the man I thought he was. This sweet, kind, caring person who meant the world to me,and me, him. Except, that was only a dream. It was all crafted by him to manipulate me. I then could SEE all the ways he manipulated me, and continued to do so. even now...he was trying to get out of giving me the money for the divorce -- by pushing me to get a certain job, and by suddenly coming by often and giving me small little gifts or favors -- so I would feel I had to say "you're so nice..how can I ask you to help with this? nevermind." So I manipulated him back, in a way he couldn't understand, because I was "nice" while putting him in an odd position -- I did even MORE favors for him. I played dumb, and I agreed to apply for the job, but told him 20 reasons I would be inadequate and get fired right away (he no longer offered to fwd the resume himself! HE knew he'd be embarassed if I really got fired) -- this was an exaggeration of the truth. I then thanked him, and got a thank you card, for agreeing to pay for the divorce. When I told him he took years from me, and I'm now old and may not find someone, he said I should online date. So I immediately bought a month's subscription, and put it on his credit card -- I felt horrible, because I was doing this stuff, the same way he would. I'm not this way, and it hurt me to behave that way. But he did deserve it. And it was freeing to see things the way he sees ME. To do things, the way he does them.
He doesn't realize I have a brain, so this confused him, and he got very angry for no reason -- and had nothing to blame the anger on. I felt HORRIBLE manipulating him, and cried when he left, but I finally understood this is how he sees ME (as someone to manipulate). That is how he sees EVERYONE. Because sociopaths do that.
Now I feel I can step away. I don't feel attached anymore. I don't think I even love him. I DID a ton when I left and this whole time. But how can you love someone who doesn't exist? And the man I loved, does not. He was just an image, a fake. Your person may have a different disorder, but rest assured, how they treat YOU, is how they SEE everyone.