It's really over, the master manipulator
I wanted to fix the relationship, he didn't want that. When I insisted he flew off the handle. When I held onto making it real and making a real recovery, he ignored it. He wanted a quick fix.
It's no wonder I never felt like he truly got what he did, he's been plugging his ears and looking the other way blaming instead of listening, buffering and hiding from me instead of actually look at me and what he's done. This is no different.
Had he gotten what he did, the option to go back to her would have made him sick. It would have never happened, not to the level of action. Just like the option of another guy literally makes me sick.
But he didn't. repentance wasn't real. seeing him for himself, and then ultimately dealing with it, eventually forgiving himself and being a better person, that never happened. Instead he hid. He won't see it. He refuses.
Not one person in my life supports me being with him. I kept it together. I picked up the pieces. I believed however damaged and brittle it was at times. This is my reward. Betrayal. hidden desires to abandon me, to commit the worst act possible. Secrets about his true feelings and what he really thinks of me, just like the porn.
Minimizing - Nothing happened (bullshit)
redirecting/distraction/ not addressing the issue - you hacked me
Blame - blaming me for what you did and not reacting the right way
All classic tactics, I can point to them in books and articles of when a liar wants to keep lying and manipulate and has not actually changed.
The fact that you think there is nothing wrong with what you did is a serious problem. You didn't shut the door on her, you continue to entertain going back, even though we were 'engaged' moving in, talking about future family. You were not what you said you were, you lied, you deceived by omission, and you don't even care. You cheated emotionally and took an action towards making it more. Not only am I not out of line, I am completely justified in feeling this way.
And now you accuse me of being fake at Sleepy Creek just be mean when I wasn't. The next day had a lot that happened including HOURS of trying to talk to you, waiting, wasting my entire day with you on call to try to define us and what we are.
It goes that way doesn't it, I try to define, see what the commitment is and you go on the offensive, you can't talk specifics because you still want to manipulate the situation to your benefit.
I don't impose a three week break, I stood up for what I needed, and it was needed, a lot of good came out of it. Not only that, I didn't go into it thinking oh, I'm just going to force him into a break, no, I was honest, I said when I needed space, I said I didn't know when we could get back, and I god damn listened to you over that time. It was you that insisted on just having sex and then nothing every really changed for you, even if it did for me. Not only that, this was after still seeing you, and you admitting to, and hitting a wall time after time of your mistreatment, of being emotionally abused and manipulated by you.
I do this because it's real, I do this because this is the worst thing you can ever do. I do this because you are cheating on me emotionally with her and you took action towards it. I do this because you said you wanted to marry me and that you were all in. But instead you invited her along for the ride as a fail safe. I actively work towards being better, being vulnerable, opening up, explaining and showing you what really happens to me, and here you are using it as an excuse to run, a reason that you should go back.
I have to stand up for me, because you refuse to see me. Everything you do and say hints that for you, it really is all about you, Christmas, New Years, the break ending in Jan, the school, my CPTSD and I'm left no where, a nothing, something to control and sit on, not someone that matters to you. I'm someone to keep in the background and in line and in my box, not a real person to you. Was I ever a real person to you?
I know I do wrong. That is never in question, and I've freely admitted several times. This, this is way above. For starters, you don't even remember that you gave me access a really long time ago. So, no, I didn't actively hack. Not to mention everything else I've talked about.. but it's not worth defending myself here, you aren't even listening.
And I've forced nothing. You've done the deed. You emotionally cheated, you lied by omission and to my face, and you brought Joanna between us. It's the same as talking to her outside the minivan to warn her about me coming, putting her first and throwing me to the wolves. You know who I am, and you know this is betrayal and this is beyond upsetting. But you don't care. You have no remorse. You just shift the blame, minimize and talk about other things.
But again, you're not really listening are you? None of this will even be more than glanced at and then dismissed, and then shrouded in your self righteousness which wears really thin.
It of course just hits me that you completely dismissed everything I said in my personal journal with "I can't understand what you are saying" when a lot of it is crystal clear, and very close to just calling me crazy. You are trying everything you can to hurt me.
Yeah you're hurting for a lot of reasons. So am I. It still gives you no excuse to not have shut the door on her. Yes, you left the band because of the divorce, and it appears you're blaming me for that, yes, you don't get to see your kids they way you want and they struggle sometimes because of what she is. Yes, someone died on your watch even though you did everything right. Yes, you want money and everything that comes with it, what you have you feel is not enough and makes you feel less than others even though you still are upper class. You can't be content with what you have because you don't like you, so you are trying to make an image that must be likable and feel good. Sex is a part of that.
Yes, you have to face that you were part of the reason your marriage broke up for real, and you have to face the fact that you are doing a lot of the same things to me even if I didn't do what she did. Yes, you're scared because I made the mistake of letting you see me for real and even asked you for help and to be stable and be there for me, to see Lydia and our struggles, so you want to run back to safety and loyalty because you can control her because she just wants your money and someone that will do what she wants.
Yes, it's wrong what you've done that you've repeated your pattern of lying and manipulation, even if it's in a different way. The fact of the matter is you demanded loyalty from me, shutting out the world, protecting us. You said you were doing the same, at least in the recent two months. The minute I approach you in January, In March, in April when you refused to talk to me about you not really being there, when you ignored my email with nothing more that "You're right" end of discussion. The minute I talk about concrete commitment and tangible change, you lash out destroying everything.
You took action to talk to Joanna about going back to her. You have been for months completely emotionally absent when I needed you the most. You don't think that contributed to those dark places? That emotional absence was you sunk into her, into leaving, into abandoning me at my weakest, when I finally was opening up about the reality of my struggles and what I was doing to get out of them.
So yes, you're afraid that you are that monster, but yet you do nothing to keep yourself from being that monster. You have to be a good guy, a protector, so yes it's hard to realize you've failed and are toying with the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.
It's no wonder I never felt like he truly got what he did, he's been plugging his ears and looking the other way blaming instead of listening, buffering and hiding from me instead of actually look at me and what he's done. This is no different.
Had he gotten what he did, the option to go back to her would have made him sick. It would have never happened, not to the level of action. Just like the option of another guy literally makes me sick.
But he didn't. repentance wasn't real. seeing him for himself, and then ultimately dealing with it, eventually forgiving himself and being a better person, that never happened. Instead he hid. He won't see it. He refuses.
Not one person in my life supports me being with him. I kept it together. I picked up the pieces. I believed however damaged and brittle it was at times. This is my reward. Betrayal. hidden desires to abandon me, to commit the worst act possible. Secrets about his true feelings and what he really thinks of me, just like the porn.
Minimizing - Nothing happened (bullshit)
redirecting/distraction/ not addressing the issue - you hacked me
Blame - blaming me for what you did and not reacting the right way
All classic tactics, I can point to them in books and articles of when a liar wants to keep lying and manipulate and has not actually changed.
The fact that you think there is nothing wrong with what you did is a serious problem. You didn't shut the door on her, you continue to entertain going back, even though we were 'engaged' moving in, talking about future family. You were not what you said you were, you lied, you deceived by omission, and you don't even care. You cheated emotionally and took an action towards making it more. Not only am I not out of line, I am completely justified in feeling this way.
And now you accuse me of being fake at Sleepy Creek just be mean when I wasn't. The next day had a lot that happened including HOURS of trying to talk to you, waiting, wasting my entire day with you on call to try to define us and what we are.
It goes that way doesn't it, I try to define, see what the commitment is and you go on the offensive, you can't talk specifics because you still want to manipulate the situation to your benefit.
I don't impose a three week break, I stood up for what I needed, and it was needed, a lot of good came out of it. Not only that, I didn't go into it thinking oh, I'm just going to force him into a break, no, I was honest, I said when I needed space, I said I didn't know when we could get back, and I god damn listened to you over that time. It was you that insisted on just having sex and then nothing every really changed for you, even if it did for me. Not only that, this was after still seeing you, and you admitting to, and hitting a wall time after time of your mistreatment, of being emotionally abused and manipulated by you.
I do this because it's real, I do this because this is the worst thing you can ever do. I do this because you are cheating on me emotionally with her and you took action towards it. I do this because you said you wanted to marry me and that you were all in. But instead you invited her along for the ride as a fail safe. I actively work towards being better, being vulnerable, opening up, explaining and showing you what really happens to me, and here you are using it as an excuse to run, a reason that you should go back.
I have to stand up for me, because you refuse to see me. Everything you do and say hints that for you, it really is all about you, Christmas, New Years, the break ending in Jan, the school, my CPTSD and I'm left no where, a nothing, something to control and sit on, not someone that matters to you. I'm someone to keep in the background and in line and in my box, not a real person to you. Was I ever a real person to you?
I know I do wrong. That is never in question, and I've freely admitted several times. This, this is way above. For starters, you don't even remember that you gave me access a really long time ago. So, no, I didn't actively hack. Not to mention everything else I've talked about.. but it's not worth defending myself here, you aren't even listening.
And I've forced nothing. You've done the deed. You emotionally cheated, you lied by omission and to my face, and you brought Joanna between us. It's the same as talking to her outside the minivan to warn her about me coming, putting her first and throwing me to the wolves. You know who I am, and you know this is betrayal and this is beyond upsetting. But you don't care. You have no remorse. You just shift the blame, minimize and talk about other things.
But again, you're not really listening are you? None of this will even be more than glanced at and then dismissed, and then shrouded in your self righteousness which wears really thin.
It of course just hits me that you completely dismissed everything I said in my personal journal with "I can't understand what you are saying" when a lot of it is crystal clear, and very close to just calling me crazy. You are trying everything you can to hurt me.
Yeah you're hurting for a lot of reasons. So am I. It still gives you no excuse to not have shut the door on her. Yes, you left the band because of the divorce, and it appears you're blaming me for that, yes, you don't get to see your kids they way you want and they struggle sometimes because of what she is. Yes, someone died on your watch even though you did everything right. Yes, you want money and everything that comes with it, what you have you feel is not enough and makes you feel less than others even though you still are upper class. You can't be content with what you have because you don't like you, so you are trying to make an image that must be likable and feel good. Sex is a part of that.
Yes, you have to face that you were part of the reason your marriage broke up for real, and you have to face the fact that you are doing a lot of the same things to me even if I didn't do what she did. Yes, you're scared because I made the mistake of letting you see me for real and even asked you for help and to be stable and be there for me, to see Lydia and our struggles, so you want to run back to safety and loyalty because you can control her because she just wants your money and someone that will do what she wants.
Yes, it's wrong what you've done that you've repeated your pattern of lying and manipulation, even if it's in a different way. The fact of the matter is you demanded loyalty from me, shutting out the world, protecting us. You said you were doing the same, at least in the recent two months. The minute I approach you in January, In March, in April when you refused to talk to me about you not really being there, when you ignored my email with nothing more that "You're right" end of discussion. The minute I talk about concrete commitment and tangible change, you lash out destroying everything.
You took action to talk to Joanna about going back to her. You have been for months completely emotionally absent when I needed you the most. You don't think that contributed to those dark places? That emotional absence was you sunk into her, into leaving, into abandoning me at my weakest, when I finally was opening up about the reality of my struggles and what I was doing to get out of them.
So yes, you're afraid that you are that monster, but yet you do nothing to keep yourself from being that monster. You have to be a good guy, a protector, so yes it's hard to realize you've failed and are toying with the ultimate betrayal and abandonment.
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