it’s raining again
As the rain falls, my heart aches so much.
I wonder if you even think about me except when you want something, all I did was love you and try to help you.
how was I to know you were a monster purposely setting out to hurt me over and over again, I would ask how do you live with yourself yet I know the answer it’s because you are a psychopath and have no remorse or guilt, I know you loved me for a while until you found flaws in me which everyone has we are human, you made me feel so much guilt cos you turned everything around on me which at times I started to believe but it was all planned out in your head it makes me absolutely blown away how you could treat another person like that, every time you screamed in my face, every time you hit me or squeezed my skin so tight you left bruises, all the mind games .... people say all the time oh I would never let myself get in that position, I used to say the same thing, but these entities I won’t even call them people purposely set you up they make you believe they are everything you are looking for, they use your vulnerabilities to wrap you around them so much so it turns into an addiction, at times I am so sick and exhausted of seeing his face in my head, hearing his voice plus wondering if he is going to show up at my house which he still does even though he has some new victim who at first it drove me insane but now I truely feel sorry for her, it’s worse because he would tell her bad things about me then they both would talk shit and I do think he he belived all his lies, I’m sitting at Work as I’m doing my job sometimes his face will flash in my mind, he has fucked up my head so bad hopefully not beyond repair, I do apologize I keep writing about him but that’s all that floods my mind constantly, I long for the day I can be completely over him and not be so sad all the time, I try and tell myself to stay busy, exercise do yoga, I wish I had anyone I could trust in my life to talk too, there are no support groups for survivors of a psychopath at least not around me so I sit and try but the darkness swollows me up so bad sometimes I’m not sure if I will make it but he most likely would get a glee in his eyes and just say see told ya she was crazy, he wouldn’t hurt at all can u imagine how that feels....
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I can't stop crying reading your entries. Last year around August I started to see a psychiatrist whom diagnosed me with depression, anxiety and ptsd and warned me to stay away from him but as usual he pulled me right back in and I obliged, things seemed to go well but I knew they still were not right. He started the lying again and disappearing without answering his phone or saying he was depressed and wanted to be left alone which I know was a lie. I'm tired of feeling this way but don't know how to break away from him. Once our eyes lock it's over and he always says you melt like putty in my hands. and I do because I am still in love with him and the messed up part is no matter what he does I always end up right back with him. I'm just so tired of feeling lost, confused and angry all the time. It's like I can't get comfortable being happy because I know he is gonna some how shit on me...Like you I have no one but my sister and she really doesn't understand. I'm just so tired of the crying and the up and down happiness to sadness but for some reason I can't leave him a lone. I thought about suicide so much that I wrote a book about it to keep me from doing it. I've written poem after poem expressing my feelings but they only make me feel worse. I hate that you are going through this and I pray you find the strength to keep going so you can help others make it to. I'm sorry for the long post but I'm in my feelings and what you've been through sounds so much like what I've been through and is going through that you'd swear we were talking about the same person. I pray you have a blessed day and if you ever need to just vent I'm here and I understand just about as much as you do..lol