it's on me.

First time writing. Feeling super angry today.  Bitter & resentful.    Last night I came home and there were some issues that needed to be discussed right away.  We've had a stressfull few weeks (outside influences, a death of an aquaintence of ours, etc) and his behavior lately in regards to keeping up w the house and the kids while I'm at work has been pretty bad.  I was planning on just having a quick "let's keep an eye on this" conversation, but when i got home sh*t had really hit the fan this time in a big way. I have a short fuse most of the time, I admit that.  I really kept my cool considering his complete crappiness at life that day. I asked him what had happened, what had made it happen.  He gave his usual list of excuses, many of which were based on MY behavior and how they affect something, which affects something else, which affects his depression.  Then he went on to say how he wasn't trying to blame me, but that's certainly not what it felt like.  I don't know why it's impossible to take responsibility.  It's maddening. I tried to address the fact, as kindly as possible that being a dad required him to keep the kids fed & safe & clean & played with, that he wasn't doing all of these things and that regardless of him being "tired" this simply had to be done.   He works 1st shift & I work 2nd because our work forced me onto that shift & I hate it.  We're trying to get me back on weekends to ease the craziness but our work is being consistantly less than helpful.  If i quit, we wont be able to keep up w our bills, let alone keep saving money for our future, which we're doing great at right now. I told him how helpless I feel when I'm at work, I know he's having a bad day, and I'm sitting there hoping he 's able to keep it together.   I work 40 hours a week, same as him, but I also do the vast vast majority of the house hold chores... I just feel like it's all on me ALL the time because he can't cope with the SAME amount of stuff i deal with all of the time.  When he gets depressed, he lets everything around the house go to hell.  I clean and cook while he's away at work & I'm alone with the kids, then when I'm off working everything I spent time to keep tidy is just wrecked & pointless. Then on top of it, his problems are always some how my fault.  When I ask him how we can solve this problem, the "solutions" he comes up with ALWAYS involve ME giving MORE so that HE can "get better".   giving more time for him to work out (WHICH HE NEVER ENDS UP DOING) giving up more time so that he can spend more time w friends (WHICH HE ALWAYS ENDS UP ABUSING BY STAYING OUT WAY LONGER THAN HE SAID AND/OR DRINKING) setting it up so he has less obligations (MAKING MORE FOR MYSELF) All the while, I'm floundering and just expected to sit around and take it, because HE'S the one with depression.  But he doesn't work at it at ALL.   Then the kids were particularly challenging this morning because they weren't feeling well, and woke me up super early, even though I stayed up late w them.  I couldn't just take it easy either, because of the huge mess my husband left me the night before. Once again, his depression screwed me over.   GRrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Angry.  tired and angry. That is all. Posted on 06/05/13, 11:40 am