It's OK to be where I am!
Today I see that I cannot really forgive while I am holding on to anger.
I try for forgiveness because I know that ultimately it will give me freedom but when I come near to it, what comes up for me is anger.
My rage is deeper than my ability to forgive. That is all I have today. Part of my healing is to know this.
It is the rage that built up in me being a child ignored in my own home with no one to go to for protection, my anger at having reversed roles with my parents and at having to be their parent.
How burdened I felt carrying their painful emotions for them because they were unable to own them. I lived with the hurt because they "felt fine!" and could not feel their own feelings.
I will process these feelings now and leave the rest in the hands of the Divine.
I am where I am and it is OK!
xo
Replies
I have felt like this and I am sure my Beloved Daughter has too! Helps me to forgive myself, my parents and better understand my daughter\'s woundedness...I am sure she felt \'un-protected\' being a father-less daughter and having a pretty controlling/rage-full Mother at times. There is no blame here on anyone\'s part; just Awareness!
Awareness is necessary for healing. No, it is VITAL.
xx
Great wisdom and insight here Vicki. Turning that anger and rage from consuming you towards productive thought and growth is a tremendous undertaking. For me it feels like turning a big huge ship around. It takes so much strength and focus. (((HUG)))
I\'ve carried my mums feelings around for about 35 years...and then I spent quite a few years feeling plain old depressed and then angry about it. I remember feeling almost consumed by the anger and drowned by the depression. Then the next long hard lesson was to learn how to \'feel\' and trust myself. I also have to keep shaking of all the toxic pieces.
In the family situations we have grown up in there is a lot of anger to work out and forgiveness to find. It goes far deeper than I ever knew.
I found praying got me through a difficult patch a few years ago. Just saying how I was feeling and what I needed.
You always amaze and inspire me Vicki...keep hanging on in there the strength will come....love and hugs xxxxxxxxx
Thank-you everyone! This was my reading for today and I thought it was awesome! I have forgiven my parents and working on \'allowing\' my children to be where they are and \'accepting\' all my feelings that come with that!
SuzA66...I really believe, for me, AWARENESS IS one of the most major keys to my healing! xo
I feel that being aware of all that repressed anger instead of denying it is therapeutic. Recognizing denial as part of the grieving process of losing something we value, like our true identity of being lovable and cared for, allows us to complete that grief process.
Good work, Vicki.
XOXOXO
I used to be angry about being angry (it was so unfair I had all this shit to deal with) I realize now that my \'anger\' actually helped me to survive and get through all the other stuff (physical,sexual,emotional abuse) I got very angry after I tried to kill myself as a young teen. Helped me live but there was so much I missed because of it. I have forgiven (let go) my parents and am forgiving myself . I do feel pretty peaceful most of the time unless I am in denial..lol. Awareness and acceptence .
love & hugs
A,A.....is awesome! (another A)
I didn\'t try to kill myself Rick, but the self-abuse was pretty much the same! Once I started forgiving myself Rick and began letting myself \"off the hook\" so to speak, I could then begin to let my parents and my sexual abusers off the hook. It\'s definitely a process.
There was a time when I didn\'t think \'I had the right to be angry; not even worth my own anger after all I had been through\'....WOW! I allow it now because it seems it doesn\'t come out sideways or in rage. I can still be in denial too Rick...at least I am much more aware than before.
Thanks everyone!
xo