It's official. First IVF cycle was a fail.
Results came back fairly quickly for my beta test - it was official before lunch time. It was a negative as suspected. I didn't really need the test after the flow I've had and the the nurse's face said it all when I walked in there and told her of my last few days.
I don't really know how to feel. I mean they tell you it's going to be hard but man..... it's like really really hard. It's like your heart is breaking into these tiny little pieces and the hollow in your chest goes so deep. And this is just the first run. I have to remind myself that I will feel this way and again and again until I fall pregnant, if I fall pregnant. Always the 'if.' DH and I cried together in each other's arms for what seemed like forever yesterday. We fell asleep like that till late afternoon.
My family came to visit me though, they gave me chocolates and hugs. I love them. I don't think they knew what to say though. I mean what can you say. My face said it all.
I was so angry at first, angry at God, angry at everyone, angry at the world and even more angry (than I usually am) at my fertile friends and family who are so insensitive to me. I was even hateful at people I normally dislike but I just downright hated them at that second. So angry it scared me.
Then the anger died down and I just cried and cried and cried and cried and then all I was left with was that hollow aching in my chest.
And throughout all of those emotions there's the blame game. What did I do wrong? What if I didn't do this, or this or this. Or what if it's because I ate this or this. I still feel like that now a day later. I wonder how long it will take for me to let it go. My view was in between the 2WW instead of going crazy I'll just live my life like I normally would. Go to the gym, go to the beach, swim, be active, eat what I usually eat etc etc. But now I'm second guessing everything. Did I tire myself out?, maybe the heat from the beach was too hot (the nurse said it was OK but I dunno), did I have too much fun swimming around? And that ache hasn't gone away yet.
I guess I'm just rambling. I guess I was just really hoping I'd be one of the lucky ones that gets it first try. But who am I kidding, I've never had good luck. I really don't know how everyone does it, the heartbreak with every unsuccessful cycle.
On a brighter side which is more like a little ray of hope in my heart amoungst all the pain is that I'm starting the next cycle soon. I've got one more little emby in the freezer right now and the doc gave me one month off before she transfers again. I'm excited for it. I'm glad we're starting so soon afterwards too. Doing nothing is the worst. Well actually, the failure is the worst. Actually, I don't even know anymore. All of it hurts.
I don't really know how to feel. I mean they tell you it's going to be hard but man..... it's like really really hard. It's like your heart is breaking into these tiny little pieces and the hollow in your chest goes so deep. And this is just the first run. I have to remind myself that I will feel this way and again and again until I fall pregnant, if I fall pregnant. Always the 'if.' DH and I cried together in each other's arms for what seemed like forever yesterday. We fell asleep like that till late afternoon.
My family came to visit me though, they gave me chocolates and hugs. I love them. I don't think they knew what to say though. I mean what can you say. My face said it all.
I was so angry at first, angry at God, angry at everyone, angry at the world and even more angry (than I usually am) at my fertile friends and family who are so insensitive to me. I was even hateful at people I normally dislike but I just downright hated them at that second. So angry it scared me.
Then the anger died down and I just cried and cried and cried and cried and then all I was left with was that hollow aching in my chest.
And throughout all of those emotions there's the blame game. What did I do wrong? What if I didn't do this, or this or this. Or what if it's because I ate this or this. I still feel like that now a day later. I wonder how long it will take for me to let it go. My view was in between the 2WW instead of going crazy I'll just live my life like I normally would. Go to the gym, go to the beach, swim, be active, eat what I usually eat etc etc. But now I'm second guessing everything. Did I tire myself out?, maybe the heat from the beach was too hot (the nurse said it was OK but I dunno), did I have too much fun swimming around? And that ache hasn't gone away yet.
I guess I'm just rambling. I guess I was just really hoping I'd be one of the lucky ones that gets it first try. But who am I kidding, I've never had good luck. I really don't know how everyone does it, the heartbreak with every unsuccessful cycle.
On a brighter side which is more like a little ray of hope in my heart amoungst all the pain is that I'm starting the next cycle soon. I've got one more little emby in the freezer right now and the doc gave me one month off before she transfers again. I'm excited for it. I'm glad we're starting so soon afterwards too. Doing nothing is the worst. Well actually, the failure is the worst. Actually, I don't even know anymore. All of it hurts.
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In tears for you, friend. I\'m so sorry- I can\'t even imagine all the emotions you\'re feeling right now. I know it\'s so much easier to say than actually believe, but you did nothing wrong. It fucking sucks that this happened, and you need to mourn and take care of yourself so you\'re 100% ready for the next round. Your time will come, but it\'s so unfair that it wasn\'t right now. Glad you have a supportive DH and family to support you.
Thanks PolkaDotGirl. That means a lot. I guess I just have to feel what I\'m feeling and let time heal everything. Though if I could fast forward this moment I would gladly.
Im so sorry ! felt exactly how you did this time last month. We had just finished our fresh IVF cycle and were so certain it was going to work. Then the end of my 2WW rolled around and I began taking hpts. Negative .... Negative again. I convinced myself that it was still too early and needed to wait. I felt the same as you described when the nurse called to tell me it was a BFN. In all honesty I was angry and bitter for a few days but then I began to think of all the good I have in my life and I suddenly couldn\'t be upset anymore. Yes apart of me is still crushed that it didn\'t work but for the most part I\'m grateful it didn\'t bc it made me realize a lot of stuff that I didn\'t appreciate before. We jumped right into a FET and will be doing our transfer this Tuesday. Don\'t give up and don\'t analyze all the what ifs or try to come up with reasons why it didn\'t work bc you\'ll drive yourself crazy. Just take a few days to get it all out and then you\'ll slowly be able to pull yourself back together.
No words. Just hugs. I\'m here for you!