It's not fair

A couple of years ago, I was very self destructive and very good at hiding it. I was destroying myself with cutting and suicidal behavior. I would spend hundreds of dollars that I didn't have. I would binge eat and "try" to throw it up. I would cut my arms and legs so many times that I couldn't count. I would swallow as many pills as I could to see what it would do. I was a mess. I used to think that this was the hardest time of my life. I used to think that there was nothing worse than what I was feeling, that there couldn't be anything worse. I was very wrong.This feeling, right now as I stare cross-eyed into my own eyes, is much, much worse. Cutting used to help me, at least in the moment. To feel physical pain, to see blood, to focus on something other than the sinking feeling in my chest... But now as I stand before my mirror with a razor in my hand, I'm scared to do it. I am scared to see the poison of my own blood. It sickens me.
It's just not fair. It's not fair.