It\'s my sobriety birthday! 4 years clean and sober today!

I didn't go out of state for the convention and I am ok with it.  I cannot do all.  I chose not to go even though I could.  It was a little inconvenient and a bit extravagant. I took my mom for the day to a spa day, which is something else I wanted to do to thank her for being there for me the last 7 years it took to pay off this $30,000 credit card debt that is behind me as of last month. We got hot stone massages and a facial.  I've never had a professional facial.  It was cool.  We even treated ourself to some face products.  I feel awkward to be in this position to spend.  I know the economy needs it.  God is funny like that.  For so long I was planning where each dollar would go to cover bills and as of a few months ago I have money in the bank. WOW.  I cried after the massage.  I got emotional.  It was really neat.  We also got to use the mineral baths.  She appreciated it and I felt like I needed it.  I must have, to cry!  It was like - take care of mysef and find a way to deal with stress, something I used and drank over for most of my life. It's my sobriety birthday!  4 years clean and sober today!  Wow.  I went to three meetings and got a new sobriety chip, cool.  I am near tears at times today I got to see R and got a little grumpy with him.  He is so fragile.  I did share in my womens meeting about seeing a newcomer knowing it's a no-no and it not stopping me.  I guess he didn't see it coming, my moodiness today.  It is partially a monthly thing.  It is also partially a codependency thing.  As well as general stress.  Anyway it is an opportunity for us to get to know eachother better.  He gave me a lovely card with a beautiful message. I got a call from the last guy I dated (months ago) wishing me a happy sobriety birthday and he dropped me off a gift!  A card, stuffed bunny and candle.  Another guy at the meeting who I can tell likes me said maybe the guy thinks there is more to us than friendship.  I said we did date, but we're just friends now, but it was hard to get through to him. I guess that is his problem.  I think he's just a nice guy, but maybe he's hoping, he sure doesn't act like it.  I don't know!  I think he just appreciates me as the only girl he dated for a couple years.  I just gave him a hug.  I think this guy is just jealous and anyway it was really none of his business.  I did sort of blow this guy off a month or so ago when I got into my personal physical space a bit so I guess it's his problem.   SIGH. I hope all your Valentines Days were nice!  Holidays can be hard due to expectations leading to disappointments.  That's why I got mad at R I guess.  I thought he forgot my sobriety bday, I was on my way to see him, and he said nevermind, that he was on his way to see me, but I was 1/2 way there.  So he screwed up some of his houseguests opportunity to get out of town. I told him he could come - I had some of his stuff I'd drop off.  I guess he made his decision. At least he is still in his program - the living situation is not great, though.  It's his life.  It's my day to enjoy. The speaker tonight talked about stuff that makes me look up to him, about not messing with newcomers.  I know it is not all bad, when I realize how fragile R is and how hard it is on me to not be on "even keel" with someone due to his wreckage and attitude and etc., it's like God, help. I guess it's also normal to compare lovers anyway like I said I don't think I usualy do that.  It gave me an opportunity to look at the big picture and see the good and bad, like everything.  I started to think about my ex after being intimate w/ someone else. Anyway it was sort of nice to see R's sensitivity since my shortcoming is bitchiness, blah blah and anyway I guess when I isolate it doesn't get a chance to manifest and be dealt with.  I felt bad to sort of rub him wrong, anyway whatever it is not the healthiest nor the sickest situation.  It felt good to be called on my shortcoming, but part of me thought he was taking it a little hard, not seeing my side of it.  I think that could be an issue between us. Today I found a free book by my ex bf's favorite author, a prereleased copy at my volunteer work.  I thought about sending it to his family's address.  I guess it is a way to make peace / amends.  Not that I'll do it - just thought about it.  Maybe I will.  That's my decision process and it drives a lot of people crazy. It works for me usually. Rush "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." I guess a big reason for my privacy is to not want feedback for decisions like to read people telling me to go to convention was sort of hard because my decision making is - gray not black and white.  I am not very dissapointed for missing it - it's like, I don't have to take every opportunity, and I struggle so much with not being able to do it all!  I am glad I chose to do spa day, and attend my home meetings today which are very important to me.  And even to see R on Valentines day, and maybe I'll go to a new place for karaoke tonight.