It's my birthday and I'll drink if I wanna
Okay, I've had a couple large glasses of mojitos, so I may not be that coherent, but I will try and correct at least the spelling mistakes with my spell check.
Today is my birthday. Yesterday I went out and got a ton of alcohol, had a couple drinks along the way.. I felt like a real alcoholic.. going to the gas station, getting my alcohol in a brown paper bag, sitting in the grass and dirt and empty bottles on the side of the bus stop while drinking... then went to the store, got food, and left. I bummed a cig off a guy (the first fucking cig I have had in 3 years, and it was menthol and I hate menthol), smoked the whole damn thing on the way to the liquor store. I got to the liquor store, got a big bottle of pre-mixed mojitos, a wine cooler mojito, a small bottle of rum (the 99 cent kind) and a medium bottle of rum. On the way to the bus stop, I poured the small bottle of rum into the cold mojito wine cooler and drank that too. All I had in my stomach was a couple crackers. I tried eating a bit when I got home and puked. I hid the medium bottle of rum in my underwear drawer. Eventually I let Geo know about all of this... but the worst thing about it was that before I left and had any alcohol, I took a vicodin and a skelaxin. The two of those combined should have knocked me to the floor, and then I go and drink a ton after it.
I say I drank a ton... I don't normally drink. I can hold my alcohol pretty well, and I process it pretty fast (I had my last drink at 4 and was hungover by 9, and fine by midnight) but I see it as a cry for help. I was stupid mixing strong drugs and alcohol (damn I hate typing that word.. I'm just going to say alc for now). That and I hid a strong bottle of rum in my underwear drawer, near my large stash of meds. I realized last night I was setting myself up for suicide. Alc? check. Large stash of pills? Check. Depression? Check.
I lay in bed last night thinking that my illusion of "peace" was all a lie. It's like a scab over a large wound. A manhole on a bottomless pit. I think there is this other me, a me that I'm not always aware of, that is super depressed. It explains the mixing of the pills and alc. There is part of me that's in there that wants to die. There is a big gaping hole in my life and I just see it now. I don't know what I can do to prevent falling into that hole. I know alc is not the answer, but it's my damn birthday and I'm going to drink if I want to. Yeah, on Facebook where it says my bday I got a bunch of bday wishes. But on a forum I'm on, where it says it's my bday and everybody gets a bday thread? I got shit. I even started my own fucking birthday thread and nobody posted in it. So if I want to get drunk to not feel like shit, then I'm going to on the one day I'm allowed to act like an ass.
I have my appointment with the disability doctor on Monday. I hope I can get there okay. It's at 10am, which is like saying 3am to a normal person. I was telling Geo about my drinking mess, and he said I should show up drunk. It's one of his little jokes, but he doesn't understand how I take them.
I'm not addicted to alc yet... I have been craving and wanting it for weeks but only had a teeny tiny sip (not even the bottom of a shot glass worth) before yesterday. That's the only alc I had from Halloween (Geo's bday) and yesterday. Then I binge yesterday and have a couple today. But that bottle of mojitos that I half drank (750ml) is going to probably stay in my fridge un-drunk until I give it to my friend to drink. I hope I'm not on the road to being an alc-olic (as I type that I take another swig of mojito.. it's only 17% alc with no added extra rum).
I gotta do something about this depression thing... and I know drinking isn't the answer. I got to see the doc on Monday and see what help I can get.
LOL it says at the bottom of my post my goal is to "Get healthy" which it is, but with the drinks and the cig, if it had a negative direction, that's the way it'd be going tonight.
Today is my birthday. Yesterday I went out and got a ton of alcohol, had a couple drinks along the way.. I felt like a real alcoholic.. going to the gas station, getting my alcohol in a brown paper bag, sitting in the grass and dirt and empty bottles on the side of the bus stop while drinking... then went to the store, got food, and left. I bummed a cig off a guy (the first fucking cig I have had in 3 years, and it was menthol and I hate menthol), smoked the whole damn thing on the way to the liquor store. I got to the liquor store, got a big bottle of pre-mixed mojitos, a wine cooler mojito, a small bottle of rum (the 99 cent kind) and a medium bottle of rum. On the way to the bus stop, I poured the small bottle of rum into the cold mojito wine cooler and drank that too. All I had in my stomach was a couple crackers. I tried eating a bit when I got home and puked. I hid the medium bottle of rum in my underwear drawer. Eventually I let Geo know about all of this... but the worst thing about it was that before I left and had any alcohol, I took a vicodin and a skelaxin. The two of those combined should have knocked me to the floor, and then I go and drink a ton after it.
I say I drank a ton... I don't normally drink. I can hold my alcohol pretty well, and I process it pretty fast (I had my last drink at 4 and was hungover by 9, and fine by midnight) but I see it as a cry for help. I was stupid mixing strong drugs and alcohol (damn I hate typing that word.. I'm just going to say alc for now). That and I hid a strong bottle of rum in my underwear drawer, near my large stash of meds. I realized last night I was setting myself up for suicide. Alc? check. Large stash of pills? Check. Depression? Check.
I lay in bed last night thinking that my illusion of "peace" was all a lie. It's like a scab over a large wound. A manhole on a bottomless pit. I think there is this other me, a me that I'm not always aware of, that is super depressed. It explains the mixing of the pills and alc. There is part of me that's in there that wants to die. There is a big gaping hole in my life and I just see it now. I don't know what I can do to prevent falling into that hole. I know alc is not the answer, but it's my damn birthday and I'm going to drink if I want to. Yeah, on Facebook where it says my bday I got a bunch of bday wishes. But on a forum I'm on, where it says it's my bday and everybody gets a bday thread? I got shit. I even started my own fucking birthday thread and nobody posted in it. So if I want to get drunk to not feel like shit, then I'm going to on the one day I'm allowed to act like an ass.
I have my appointment with the disability doctor on Monday. I hope I can get there okay. It's at 10am, which is like saying 3am to a normal person. I was telling Geo about my drinking mess, and he said I should show up drunk. It's one of his little jokes, but he doesn't understand how I take them.
I'm not addicted to alc yet... I have been craving and wanting it for weeks but only had a teeny tiny sip (not even the bottom of a shot glass worth) before yesterday. That's the only alc I had from Halloween (Geo's bday) and yesterday. Then I binge yesterday and have a couple today. But that bottle of mojitos that I half drank (750ml) is going to probably stay in my fridge un-drunk until I give it to my friend to drink. I hope I'm not on the road to being an alc-olic (as I type that I take another swig of mojito.. it's only 17% alc with no added extra rum).
I gotta do something about this depression thing... and I know drinking isn't the answer. I got to see the doc on Monday and see what help I can get.
LOL it says at the bottom of my post my goal is to "Get healthy" which it is, but with the drinks and the cig, if it had a negative direction, that's the way it'd be going tonight.
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