It's like a roller coaster.
I'm beyond confused by my emotions lately. I often feel on edge (which is to be expected with PTSD) but lately I feel like my mind is going and going and going and there's nothing to stop it, so I begin to search for things to do. I've gotten a little crazy with cleaning and getting rid of my things and I can spend hours straightening things and putting everything in its place. I've filled at least 4 big garbage bags with clothing I'm going to donate, and donated some when I was on spring break. Owning so many things is making me anxious. I just want to take all of my things to goodwill except for church clothes, leggings, t shirts, books, and my laptop. I just want things out of my sight. This is new for me and I don't really know where it's coming from, but I'm sure I'm just picking up a new habit as I'm trying to put old ones down. It's better than cutting or starving myself, though.
I think my symptoms are changing a lot as I'm getting older. At 15, my PTSD was different than it is now. I think I handle certain triggers better (for instance, muffled voices are less problematic than they used to be), but I also feel worried about these new feelings. It's almost become a constant battle of managing anxiety with being controlling. As soon as I feel out of control, I sweat and find it hard to breathe, and a lot of the time it feels just like my brain doesn't want to work. Like it turns into pudding or something. I don't know what to call that, but I wish I had a word for it. Pudding-brain works for now.
Pudding-brain is a bad feeling. It makes it difficult to think. If I start to panic too much, it becomes nearly impossible to do much of anything. I feel frozen, brain and body. The only thing that helps this... really odd feeling... to go away is to ask my grandmother or bestfriend to "pet" my head. It sounds REALLY WEIRD but pudding-brain is the worst physical sensation I have ever experienced in relation to anxiety. If you've ever self harmed, imagine it as the feeling that you want to hurt yourself, and the area of your body that you want to hurt has that "achy" feeling that you need to cut/burn/etc, except it's in your brain.
I make little sense to others but this is a journal so I guess that's alright.
I think my symptoms are changing a lot as I'm getting older. At 15, my PTSD was different than it is now. I think I handle certain triggers better (for instance, muffled voices are less problematic than they used to be), but I also feel worried about these new feelings. It's almost become a constant battle of managing anxiety with being controlling. As soon as I feel out of control, I sweat and find it hard to breathe, and a lot of the time it feels just like my brain doesn't want to work. Like it turns into pudding or something. I don't know what to call that, but I wish I had a word for it. Pudding-brain works for now.
Pudding-brain is a bad feeling. It makes it difficult to think. If I start to panic too much, it becomes nearly impossible to do much of anything. I feel frozen, brain and body. The only thing that helps this... really odd feeling... to go away is to ask my grandmother or bestfriend to "pet" my head. It sounds REALLY WEIRD but pudding-brain is the worst physical sensation I have ever experienced in relation to anxiety. If you've ever self harmed, imagine it as the feeling that you want to hurt yourself, and the area of your body that you want to hurt has that "achy" feeling that you need to cut/burn/etc, except it's in your brain.
I make little sense to others but this is a journal so I guess that's alright.
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