It hurts

Before I get to the root of why I've decided to write this journal entry I want to highlight the good that has been my semester thus far. For the most part academically I am doing well. I am striving. I mean there is one class that worries me, but I feel as though I will survive no matter the outcome. I am surprising myself at to how well I am doing this semester and keeping it together mentallyin this regard. I might even get my 3.0 back and that's exciting to think about. I have made a fantastic group of friends in my classes especially my Latin class. I hit 100lbs lost. I WORE A SIZE 8 DRESS!!! I am volunteering a lot and being active in the organizations I have chosen to be a part of. I got chosen to be a project manager for a really fun project in the Geography club that will look freaking awesome on my resume. I am doing well, and I am fully prepared to keep going. I got this and I know it. 

However, I am overcome with one aspect of my life that makes me incredibly sad, and I feel as though there isn't anything I can do about it. I think about a lot. I cry about it a lot, but I haven't told a soul about it. I am 23 years-old and have never known what it means to be in a relationship. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been so much as looked at like that. I've never even been kissed. For a long time I was okay with that. I knew because I was the big girl with acne and glasses that it would be hard and damn near impossible, but it has slowly become something I have been ashamed about. When my family jokenly asks if I have a boyfriend or if there was someone I was interested in I always joke about how I need to focus on school and for a long time I had them believe that I was okay with the thought of never getting married or having kids, and although they still ask they have learned to believe that. They think I have chosen to live my life alone and am fully happy with that. I just don't want them to worry. Deep down, though, I want it more than anything. Not the kids part, but the having someone in my life like you do when you are in a relationship. When someone looks at you and choses to love you. I know they aren't sunshine and rainbows and sometimes you are going to hit one hell of a thunderstorm sometimes, but doesn't the saying go, "Better to have loved then lost than to never have loved at all." I can't even think about that saying, because I know the feeling of never having loved at all. I want that special connection with someone, but I afraid it will never happen. I know I have to be patient. I know it could happen, but I don't want to be that cat lady. I don't want to have been better off being a nun. I'm so afraid that it's me that's the problem. It's my appearance, but appearances can be changed. It is my personality, but that's who I am, though. Being a third wheel with my friends is incredibly painful, but I don't want them to know that. I don't want to ruin the fun we have because there are moments when I look at them and I want that and I have to be so strong and not break down in that moment. This isn't something I can just fix, and I don't know how to feel better about this. I can only hear it will happen eventually so many times. I just want to stop the tears.