It's here...Big Post!
LIFE!!!
Life IS a gift. I have heard this bullshit falsehood my entire life! The next time it is said to my face, if it is a male over the age of 18 and under the age of 55, I am going to knock him silly!!!! This will be my gift to him. Life is soooo overrated!!!
See.allow me to expound, I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist, but I AM a realist!
I am speaking from experience, years, full of horrible experience! Far too long in this entrapment. I used to believe, it will get betternow, I no longer lie to myself! I begin each day when I awaken with this, Oh no, another one! I end each day before I fall asleep with this, I got this one out of the way, hopefully it is my last one!
Life after birth---is Hell on this Earth!
Think about the following:
At birth, genetics determine how we will lookwell that in itself is not fair! We have to live in these bodies, so IF life were fair, we could predetermine this PRIOR to birth, since it is us we are talking about here! (Maybe science will get therethey are cloning now) But no! Now choices are made by two people, who in todays world are reckless, careless, high on drugs and alcohol, irresponsible, and sex starvedwhile being too cheap to take protective measures or thinking of the consequences, problems, and repercussions which they are imposing on an innocent child by bringing it into this world. I have wished a million times that my mother would have had an abortion with me.
I was given piss poor genetics myself, so at a VERY early ageI made the best decision I have ever made! I elected to NEVER bring a child into this cruel, unfair, heartless world. Besides, even if I wanted kids, I never had a reliable female to give them to me-so at least that worked out good!
Lifeokaywe are born, we then struggle thru 12 years of public school..being picked on, bullied, and stereotyped, then when we rebel, it is us who gets into trouble? We work during this time, as we were not like so many of our fellow students who were born with a silver spoon shoved up their ____!
We are not given a fair shake from the get go! There are people who are natural athletes, singers, artists, etc.then there are people who struggle and never make it! There are people born into wealth, fame, looks, privileges, etcothers cannot attain it thru prayer, money, work, and efforts. Far too often, public school and collegeI saw athletes who had it get benched! While losers who did not have it played due to their parents being Booster Club supporters, pillars of the community, or they contribute mega $$$ to the institution often! Fair? Hahahaha!
Not perceived imperfection...A TRUE ONE! See......for years I worked out...took supplements, ate right, (even did 2 cycles of steroids)...never could attain "THAT LOOK" I wanted!!! The one that most guys are born with or attain in 6 months...I could not get in four years!!!! In 4 years!!!!!! Yeah...work out like H--- for years...then some dude walks in...having never worked out and immediately presses more weight than me!!! Gee...thanks GOD!?!? Then...to compound things....people.. People! Are always pointing out to me the things I hate about myself! (As if I did not know!) I have spent 99% of my life alone due to this...the 1% I was with a female...it was heart breaking to watch her "salivate" right in front of me towards guys with muscles and all!
I am content being alone...gotten used to it...I do not care if I ever have a relationship again...too much hassle and heartbreak and not worth it anymore!
But, it would be nice to "like" myself for the few years I have left...at least I hope it is ONLY a few...long enough...is enough!
Frustrating, depressing, hearbreaking...and YES...suicidal due to it...still even now! "Professionals" with their "BS"...say "accept it" and "focus on your good qualities"....they can just pucker up and "KMA!!!!!!" After seeing and hearing 21 of these so-called professionals sing this accept and focus on good qualities in yourself..during my last visit this is what happened. They said, Accept and RefocusI said, Okay! I will do this! Now..what happens when I do and a guy comes along who has those so-called good qualities which you think I may have AND he has muscles too? Then what do I think? Never mind Einstein!! I am done and do not schedule me another visit! I walked out and never returned!Yeah...it is very encouraging to be out with a girl and she lusts and salivates and talks about guys who "have" that look! And it is not feasible to tell people close to me how I feel about thisas they will USE THIS against me every chance they get! Been there!!!!!That is why I abstain from dating now!
Then, college! Oh yes! Opportunity! Invaluable! Or so I was fed this lie too. I worked (full time) also thru 4 years of college (full time), graduated with 3 degrees (2 A.A.S. and 1 B.S.) and a 3.89 GPA. Am I intelligent? Nooo! What do I have to show for all of this: a glowing college transcript which has gotten me nowhere, a collection of expensive textbooks, and a peptic ulcer! Oh I am so grateful!
Then, try and put that education to work! Yeah right! You graduate and get this: Great educational credentials! BUTyou have no experience in ______? All my life I have seen people get opportunities just because of: 1. Who they sleep with 2. Who they are related to and 3. Who they know. Meanwhile, I am passed up and looked over time and time and time again! Each time I find an opportunity I would loveI get this, You are over qualified. Or You are valuable where you are. They say an education is something no one can steal from you, I guess not! For thieves only target things which have real value! So, I wasted my youth, time, money, and energy on college!!! I have never done illegal drugs, but I would have been better off shooting up Cocaine than pursuing educationat least then I may have captured a happy, mood altering moment or two!
Oh yesand then we have the typical college kidthey attend school only (unlike me I worked fulltime thru college and high school) but they only attendlive in a dormparty like it is 2099stay drunk and high for four yearsgraduate with a 1.89 GPA.THEN! They land the good positions because of who they are kin to!!! Yeah..or who they sleep with! Most people say, You ought to be proud of your degrees. Yeah, I sure am and I will share my pride with the utility company next month, I am sure they will say, Oh! We proud too! Now disregard those bills going forward.
Oh there is family, friends, and relationships to cherish! Bull#$%&!!!! I lost my father in 2007, and that was it! He was/is my hero, my idol, my mentor, my world! Family? I have a stepmother who is satan on this Earth! My father had other kidsbut I claim no siblingsas they abandoned my father due to his strict upbringing. Relationships??? Oh yes, how can I forget! What a blessing they have been for me! Cheated on, lied to, used, stolen from, and yes, even abused, mentally/physically/or both in all of them! Friends? I have good friends on this site, I admit to that, and I AM grateful, but in real lifeother than my Pastor, I have acquaintances who only contact me when there is something in it for them!
Oh and lets not forget the daily blessingsfilled with bills, problems, sickness, stuff needing repairs, depression, anxiety, physical ailments, panic, traffic, slow checkout lines, products you need not in stock at store, your order wrong at restaurant, poor service, contending with annoying people, watching criminals get a smack on the hand for the wrong they did, homeless people, and I could go on and on.
Then!!! We make it thru all this and guess what then? We become old and VERY sick! We try and survive on Social Security and Retirement funds. We sit idly by at home, in hospital, or in a nursing home just waiting on the inevitable to happen!
I welcome death with open arms! I truly do! Why fear it, or prolong the inevitable?
Life is a gift? Nooooooooooo!!! For a gift is something you want, need, or wish forI did neither of these for this horrible life. Also, a gift should be exchangeablebut fortunately life is that! What keeps me going is this, yes, I have two failed suicide attempts.third time is a charm! Buteven if I do not end it myselfeach passing second is getting me closer to peace anyway! It cant last forever..the pain, torture, torment, agony, grief, disheartenment, feeling inferior, being an outcast, problems, depression, panic, anxiety, and all the other pleasures do eventually end! One way or another!
While driving home this evening, many 18-wheelers passed me in the opposite lane..the urge to shift onto their direction of travel at the last second was overwhelming! The only reason I didnt, is I desire no harm on anyone else. You knowdeathI extend my condolences to families whenever they experience it..but inside I am always thinking, This deceased person is so lucky, their battle is over! Damn! Is my turn ever coming? No more BS then! Peace at last!
If you are new to me and my postsplease do not mention professional help! I have seen 21 professionals and here is what I have to show for it: 1. Cope 2. Accept 3. Refocus AND 4. Less money for me/more for them! Notice the acronym? C-ope, A-ccept, R-efocus=Car! Yes! I bought one for each psychiatrist and therapist while they played their CBT jokes on me. Their acronym is Cognitive Behavioral Therapyin truth it means, Can Barely Tolerate.
Seriously think about my valid points? The good times are very few and short lasting, yet the bad stuff never ends! For myself, the life breakdown would be something like: 99.99999% bad, and .00001% good.
I have no hobbiesnever was good at anything muchsurprise! More failures.
I have been saved and baptized, yet nothing in this life fulfills me, other than getting out of it! This world is cruel, wicked, and full of sin.I try and be a light that shines, but in reality, I am a candle which tries to burn in an open field, while the winds (problems, etc.) storm upon me, at times in excess of 100 mph, from all 8 directions at oncethis will do more to even the brightest, strongest, protected candle than merely cause it to flicker.
If I were to have a regular funeral, I have already chosen my epithet for my tombstone: FINALLY AT PEACE AND HAPPY AT LAST! But I am being cremated. Bad enough to have to be seen while aliveI sure do not desire to be stared upon while at peace.
So life is Fair??? More like a long, boring, depressing, cruel, and unjust joke played on me!
Check out my acronyms:
L-Loveless
I-Injustice
F-Frustrating
E-Excruciating
S-Surely U-Useful I-In C-Curing I-Intense D-Depression E-Easily
D-Depression and
E-Every
A-Anxiety
T-Truly
H-Healed
Yeah, I welcome the end with open arms! I have for a while! I hope and pray it is todayin one second will be great! I do not wish to suffer from some disease, or wait for that to happen, as I have been in pain and torment long enough. I do wish for peace..everlasting peace. I have thought of hiring a hit manfor myselfjust quick, painless, easy is all I ask.
Please do not think or say that I have a negative outlook, for I do NOT! My outlook is quite positive: I am positive that life dealt me an unfair hand on all levels!! And I exemplified this in my writing. In death, not only will I find peace, and comfort, but also, in death, alasthere is equality! I have tried changing things myself-did not work, have tried professional counselingHahaha-get real! have prayed and sought help..voice goes unheard? I believe the Bible ( and for the recordNOWHERE does it state that people who commit suicide are hell bound!) but Religion, has led to more confusion for meso many denominations and they are ALL right in their eyes! Take scripture, 3 people can read the same verse and each interpret it differently! I cannot even fix this life..how can I fix the other one with so much misperception?
Well, that does itnot all, but I am up to four pages now. I would say I hope someone can relatebut NOOO!!! I hope, I know, and I pray no one feels the pain I do, daily, never ceasing, as I awake, as I sleep, my every momentcaptured, strangled, and did I say painful yet? To those of you who read this, I sincerely thank youand you should feel better nowyou could be me!!!
The Glass
Most people: It is half empty.
Some people: It is half full.
Myself: I was supposed to have a glass????? I dont, it never contained anything, or was broken, even if I did.
Thanks again for your time. As always, I welcome feedback, suggestions, and even a painless way out too!
Life IS a gift. I have heard this bullshit falsehood my entire life! The next time it is said to my face, if it is a male over the age of 18 and under the age of 55, I am going to knock him silly!!!! This will be my gift to him. Life is soooo overrated!!!
See.allow me to expound, I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist, but I AM a realist!
I am speaking from experience, years, full of horrible experience! Far too long in this entrapment. I used to believe, it will get betternow, I no longer lie to myself! I begin each day when I awaken with this, Oh no, another one! I end each day before I fall asleep with this, I got this one out of the way, hopefully it is my last one!
Life after birth---is Hell on this Earth!
Think about the following:
At birth, genetics determine how we will lookwell that in itself is not fair! We have to live in these bodies, so IF life were fair, we could predetermine this PRIOR to birth, since it is us we are talking about here! (Maybe science will get therethey are cloning now) But no! Now choices are made by two people, who in todays world are reckless, careless, high on drugs and alcohol, irresponsible, and sex starvedwhile being too cheap to take protective measures or thinking of the consequences, problems, and repercussions which they are imposing on an innocent child by bringing it into this world. I have wished a million times that my mother would have had an abortion with me.
I was given piss poor genetics myself, so at a VERY early ageI made the best decision I have ever made! I elected to NEVER bring a child into this cruel, unfair, heartless world. Besides, even if I wanted kids, I never had a reliable female to give them to me-so at least that worked out good!
Lifeokaywe are born, we then struggle thru 12 years of public school..being picked on, bullied, and stereotyped, then when we rebel, it is us who gets into trouble? We work during this time, as we were not like so many of our fellow students who were born with a silver spoon shoved up their ____!
We are not given a fair shake from the get go! There are people who are natural athletes, singers, artists, etc.then there are people who struggle and never make it! There are people born into wealth, fame, looks, privileges, etcothers cannot attain it thru prayer, money, work, and efforts. Far too often, public school and collegeI saw athletes who had it get benched! While losers who did not have it played due to their parents being Booster Club supporters, pillars of the community, or they contribute mega $$$ to the institution often! Fair? Hahahaha!
Not perceived imperfection...A TRUE ONE! See......for years I worked out...took supplements, ate right, (even did 2 cycles of steroids)...never could attain "THAT LOOK" I wanted!!! The one that most guys are born with or attain in 6 months...I could not get in four years!!!! In 4 years!!!!!! Yeah...work out like H--- for years...then some dude walks in...having never worked out and immediately presses more weight than me!!! Gee...thanks GOD!?!? Then...to compound things....people.. People! Are always pointing out to me the things I hate about myself! (As if I did not know!) I have spent 99% of my life alone due to this...the 1% I was with a female...it was heart breaking to watch her "salivate" right in front of me towards guys with muscles and all!
I am content being alone...gotten used to it...I do not care if I ever have a relationship again...too much hassle and heartbreak and not worth it anymore!
But, it would be nice to "like" myself for the few years I have left...at least I hope it is ONLY a few...long enough...is enough!
Frustrating, depressing, hearbreaking...and YES...suicidal due to it...still even now! "Professionals" with their "BS"...say "accept it" and "focus on your good qualities"....they can just pucker up and "KMA!!!!!!" After seeing and hearing 21 of these so-called professionals sing this accept and focus on good qualities in yourself..during my last visit this is what happened. They said, Accept and RefocusI said, Okay! I will do this! Now..what happens when I do and a guy comes along who has those so-called good qualities which you think I may have AND he has muscles too? Then what do I think? Never mind Einstein!! I am done and do not schedule me another visit! I walked out and never returned!Yeah...it is very encouraging to be out with a girl and she lusts and salivates and talks about guys who "have" that look! And it is not feasible to tell people close to me how I feel about thisas they will USE THIS against me every chance they get! Been there!!!!!That is why I abstain from dating now!
Then, college! Oh yes! Opportunity! Invaluable! Or so I was fed this lie too. I worked (full time) also thru 4 years of college (full time), graduated with 3 degrees (2 A.A.S. and 1 B.S.) and a 3.89 GPA. Am I intelligent? Nooo! What do I have to show for all of this: a glowing college transcript which has gotten me nowhere, a collection of expensive textbooks, and a peptic ulcer! Oh I am so grateful!
Then, try and put that education to work! Yeah right! You graduate and get this: Great educational credentials! BUTyou have no experience in ______? All my life I have seen people get opportunities just because of: 1. Who they sleep with 2. Who they are related to and 3. Who they know. Meanwhile, I am passed up and looked over time and time and time again! Each time I find an opportunity I would loveI get this, You are over qualified. Or You are valuable where you are. They say an education is something no one can steal from you, I guess not! For thieves only target things which have real value! So, I wasted my youth, time, money, and energy on college!!! I have never done illegal drugs, but I would have been better off shooting up Cocaine than pursuing educationat least then I may have captured a happy, mood altering moment or two!
Oh yesand then we have the typical college kidthey attend school only (unlike me I worked fulltime thru college and high school) but they only attendlive in a dormparty like it is 2099stay drunk and high for four yearsgraduate with a 1.89 GPA.THEN! They land the good positions because of who they are kin to!!! Yeah..or who they sleep with! Most people say, You ought to be proud of your degrees. Yeah, I sure am and I will share my pride with the utility company next month, I am sure they will say, Oh! We proud too! Now disregard those bills going forward.
Oh there is family, friends, and relationships to cherish! Bull#$%&!!!! I lost my father in 2007, and that was it! He was/is my hero, my idol, my mentor, my world! Family? I have a stepmother who is satan on this Earth! My father had other kidsbut I claim no siblingsas they abandoned my father due to his strict upbringing. Relationships??? Oh yes, how can I forget! What a blessing they have been for me! Cheated on, lied to, used, stolen from, and yes, even abused, mentally/physically/or both in all of them! Friends? I have good friends on this site, I admit to that, and I AM grateful, but in real lifeother than my Pastor, I have acquaintances who only contact me when there is something in it for them!
Oh and lets not forget the daily blessingsfilled with bills, problems, sickness, stuff needing repairs, depression, anxiety, physical ailments, panic, traffic, slow checkout lines, products you need not in stock at store, your order wrong at restaurant, poor service, contending with annoying people, watching criminals get a smack on the hand for the wrong they did, homeless people, and I could go on and on.
Then!!! We make it thru all this and guess what then? We become old and VERY sick! We try and survive on Social Security and Retirement funds. We sit idly by at home, in hospital, or in a nursing home just waiting on the inevitable to happen!
I welcome death with open arms! I truly do! Why fear it, or prolong the inevitable?
Life is a gift? Nooooooooooo!!! For a gift is something you want, need, or wish forI did neither of these for this horrible life. Also, a gift should be exchangeablebut fortunately life is that! What keeps me going is this, yes, I have two failed suicide attempts.third time is a charm! Buteven if I do not end it myselfeach passing second is getting me closer to peace anyway! It cant last forever..the pain, torture, torment, agony, grief, disheartenment, feeling inferior, being an outcast, problems, depression, panic, anxiety, and all the other pleasures do eventually end! One way or another!
While driving home this evening, many 18-wheelers passed me in the opposite lane..the urge to shift onto their direction of travel at the last second was overwhelming! The only reason I didnt, is I desire no harm on anyone else. You knowdeathI extend my condolences to families whenever they experience it..but inside I am always thinking, This deceased person is so lucky, their battle is over! Damn! Is my turn ever coming? No more BS then! Peace at last!
If you are new to me and my postsplease do not mention professional help! I have seen 21 professionals and here is what I have to show for it: 1. Cope 2. Accept 3. Refocus AND 4. Less money for me/more for them! Notice the acronym? C-ope, A-ccept, R-efocus=Car! Yes! I bought one for each psychiatrist and therapist while they played their CBT jokes on me. Their acronym is Cognitive Behavioral Therapyin truth it means, Can Barely Tolerate.
Seriously think about my valid points? The good times are very few and short lasting, yet the bad stuff never ends! For myself, the life breakdown would be something like: 99.99999% bad, and .00001% good.
I have no hobbiesnever was good at anything muchsurprise! More failures.
I have been saved and baptized, yet nothing in this life fulfills me, other than getting out of it! This world is cruel, wicked, and full of sin.I try and be a light that shines, but in reality, I am a candle which tries to burn in an open field, while the winds (problems, etc.) storm upon me, at times in excess of 100 mph, from all 8 directions at oncethis will do more to even the brightest, strongest, protected candle than merely cause it to flicker.
If I were to have a regular funeral, I have already chosen my epithet for my tombstone: FINALLY AT PEACE AND HAPPY AT LAST! But I am being cremated. Bad enough to have to be seen while aliveI sure do not desire to be stared upon while at peace.
So life is Fair??? More like a long, boring, depressing, cruel, and unjust joke played on me!
Check out my acronyms:
L-Loveless
I-Injustice
F-Frustrating
E-Excruciating
S-Surely U-Useful I-In C-Curing I-Intense D-Depression E-Easily
D-Depression and
E-Every
A-Anxiety
T-Truly
H-Healed
Yeah, I welcome the end with open arms! I have for a while! I hope and pray it is todayin one second will be great! I do not wish to suffer from some disease, or wait for that to happen, as I have been in pain and torment long enough. I do wish for peace..everlasting peace. I have thought of hiring a hit manfor myselfjust quick, painless, easy is all I ask.
Please do not think or say that I have a negative outlook, for I do NOT! My outlook is quite positive: I am positive that life dealt me an unfair hand on all levels!! And I exemplified this in my writing. In death, not only will I find peace, and comfort, but also, in death, alasthere is equality! I have tried changing things myself-did not work, have tried professional counselingHahaha-get real! have prayed and sought help..voice goes unheard? I believe the Bible ( and for the recordNOWHERE does it state that people who commit suicide are hell bound!) but Religion, has led to more confusion for meso many denominations and they are ALL right in their eyes! Take scripture, 3 people can read the same verse and each interpret it differently! I cannot even fix this life..how can I fix the other one with so much misperception?
Well, that does itnot all, but I am up to four pages now. I would say I hope someone can relatebut NOOO!!! I hope, I know, and I pray no one feels the pain I do, daily, never ceasing, as I awake, as I sleep, my every momentcaptured, strangled, and did I say painful yet? To those of you who read this, I sincerely thank youand you should feel better nowyou could be me!!!
The Glass
Most people: It is half empty.
Some people: It is half full.
Myself: I was supposed to have a glass????? I dont, it never contained anything, or was broken, even if I did.
Thanks again for your time. As always, I welcome feedback, suggestions, and even a painless way out too!
Replies
Well no advice here on painless way to go. I can really relate towhat you wrote. The only blessing here is my son who keeps me here. I ccan\'t leave him here in this f#$@#% up world. I see the beauty in it, then like you I see the realities and the cruelness in every direction. People out to do the other in to gain whatever he/ she thinks they need from good honest people. I long for God to end this soon, not just my life, but the end of this unloving world of very bad sinners. Hugs to you for sharing, and I\'ll try to remember no professional BS for you. Take care and hugs. Keep trecking on, and hopefully your peace comes to you. Sad to say but I know how you feel and what you mean.
I have been where you are. I understand you. Deep depression and anxiety are in did my hard to deal with! Thoughts of suicide, yes! Thoughts of I can\'t live another day, yes!
All of this seems heightened to me when I was on antipodes reason medicine! Imagine a psychiatrist put me on 5 sedatives to hp overcome the PTSD I had after my successful 22 year old beautiful nurse was in a bad relationship and she tried so hard to fix him! He the. Takes her in her brand new car and runs a stop sign and runs her Into a truck! She died and they paded her back 3 times. She was gone 10 minutes and told it\'s very unusual for a 22 year old to cardiac arrest! This happened while they are sawing off her forbear year to ear and just above her eyebrows! Huge piece to come off for 16 months! Skin over brain! We were told to prepare for her death. We were told should she live 72 hours she would live. She did live. We were then told right or wrong they kept her alive because she would be a vegetable! Never walk or talk again! She ended up living! She was taken off life support, did better and transferred to intensive care from critical care! The next day ends up with meningitis! Back to critical care and cold temperature beds to bring down the fever!
She made it!!! It\'s been 4 years and my daughter is talking and walking! She is a miracle! We had to de with her boyfriend who had gairdkanship because they lived together less than 2 years! My lawyer said stripping a \"spouse\" of their title hS never been done! This guy (boyfriend) stopped us from seeing her, stopped us from knowing anything medical about her! He was the only one who could sign for surgeries! He never came surgery day. (She had three. Rainiotomoes!) she had a nursing degree! He was working full time and when she got her nursing job he \"hurt his back\" went on disability Nd layer around the house and made her Clean up when she got home tired from work! We thought she had anorexia! I made a to. Of food for their freezer! She\'d call me to meet her at work, please bring food! I asked where the food was that I had made? She said he eats it in front of me and won\'t let me have any! You see he wanted her in size zero pants! He called her ugly. She could have been a model! Then he fights with me and tells me if I didn\'t comply with what he wanted then he could take Jen out of my life and I would never see her again! 2 weeks later, he drives her into a truck!!
This would be why I was suffering from depression and anxiety! The guy ended up with a bump on the head! We have been through every medical treatment known to man for her. Physio, rehab, speech pathology, cognitive therapy, surgeries, tests counselling, everything you can think of! Awarded one million from insurance, 2 years GONE!
It was a year and a half a lot of documentation and pictures of mental abuse from this guy! Finally we got custody of our daughter thank God before she was out of hospital!
I had been suffering as you, had a great job I\'ve since lost (on long term disability) by the Grace of God! And I am home with her everyday! I was suffering from nightmares, anxiety, paranoia, extreme fear! Afraid to go to sleep! Exhaustion! Not being able to physically get up and shower! Just wanted to sleep and stay in bed! I finally decided one day that I was going to exercise! I used to be 140lbs and now I was 5 away from 200 lbs! Why was life so hard on me? I excercised and felt awful! I handed my phone to my daughter and said call your aunt I don\'t feel good, I landed on the ground by her feet! All I could hear in a distance was an ambulance is on it\'s way stay with me! The crew couldn\'t find a pulse! I was rushed to the hospital! Turns out all the depression meds were not good for my heart and just found out I had Long QT syndrome and taken off everything cold turkey! I ended up having another spell on the do toes office a few months later and again my heart was going crazy! Long story short (if you can call this short) I ended up with a pacemaker/defibulator and my heart has been fine since! In amongst all of this my husband of 32 years now tells me he is not sure if he loves me. He \"cares\" about me but doesn\'t Love me! We sleep in different rooms now. He won\'t love me, but I caught him on a promo site! I\'m so hurt!
The reason I\'m telling you all of this is because I wanted to die! I thought quietly to myself many different ways to \"do it\" but to cowardly to try! What if I ended up brain injured like my daughter? What if I was even worse yet a vegetable! I couldn\'t handle the thought of that! I thought about pain! I hate pain! And then there is my beautiful gorgeous daughter who has lived through abuse, great job, new car, 22 yrs old everything in life to look forward to and bang it\'s gone! Her attitude! I love life! I love you mom and dad! Thank you for caring for me! I love my life! What? How could she love her life? She lost her dream job, her brand new car, her powers of control and yet she loved life? She lost everything!!!!
All I could think of is I can\'t die, she is my inspiration! What happened to her has happened for a reason! She is a teacher! She is teaching me that life no matter how bleak, is worth living. Your experience is effecting someone else right now! You are a teacher! You are intelligent! You are percervering! You are a good man inside and out! I love you! Yes, you are very depressed and feel like you can\'t crawl out of a hole! The negative spirits have a super glue hold on you! You can do this! I know you feel like you are drowning and can\'t breathe! I get that! I\'ve been there! All I can tell you is keep you nose above water no matter how much you feel like sinking! You came in here, there is a breath!
I am curious if you don\'t mind me asking what meds are you on?
Some antidepressants depress you more! That\'s what happened to me.
Do you have a dr (physician) you trust?
All I want is for you to channel some positive energy! I made myself write down each day one good thing about it....sometimes took me hours! But right it down and focus on just it. Tell the evil thoughts and spirits to go away and ask God ?you\'re a believer) to bring you the positive angels! Keep doing this!
Your job now is to get you healthy in the way you think and the way you feel about yourself, you know what they say \"you can\'t love anyone else until you love yourself first!\" It\'s hard yes, but nothing in life is worthwhile unless we try to better ourselves and learn too love ourselves!
I\'m sorry this is so long, I care about you, I want you to live. You have such wonderful gifts! You are extremely intelligent! I\'m proud of you and how you avoided all the junk and worked on your degrees! You are accomplished! The ONLY thing that is hding you back, is loving yourself! The rest will call into place I promise you! Xoxoxoco
Message me anytime. I\'m always here. I will listen, I love and care about you! I could give a rats ass what you look like! It\'s inside that counts! When we die our body is just a shell that resolves into the earth anyway it\'s your spirit that moves on! Please be safe. Write whenever you want to. Xoxo
HAha I think my post was longer than yours. Big hugs!
The pain you feel is valid and incredibly real. The only thing left is usually handing yourself over to something that promises to be worthy of your trust. Bad it cannot do. You\'ve tried everything else I\'m sure, with no satisfaction. I too used to feel the dissatisfaction with disgust, then with hate, till nothing is left but a bitter filled hardened heart. I gave myself over to the reason for love. Hate and darkness after all evolve, it feeds onto itself and grows. So I tried love, but not just any love, for you cannot give what you do not know. I gave myself over to God. I knew he was the source of love. Witnessing so much evil in the world, it is logical to me that there would be a ying to the yang. So to me it makes sense he exists. The devil however believes in God too... therefore simply believing is not the answer. Conversing with him, pouring out your heart is. He listens and if you\'re sincere he will fill your life with peace, instantly. It sounds too good to be true, but it\'s worth trying. When you do, however, praise him and live your life for him so the hate doesn\'t return. That\'s the meaning to a balanced life... it\'s the meaning of happiness. Try it, because you\'ve most likely tried everything else.
You remind me of George Carlin :D That is a good thing. Well get this ... It took me way longer than normal to get my General Associates because I was supporting another person off of school money and going to work fulltime. They only worked a total of four months of our ten year marriage and refused to get on social security and dicked around with the concept when they figured out they were losing their meal ticket the last year we were married. That\'s beside my point. Any way you have 3 degrees... I only have my Generals done and guess what I am 30,000 in the hole with student loans. My kingdom for a donkey well okay a jack ass.
I have been through councillors through college and I think the only thing that has got me going is pure logic and having some kind of psychology knowledge under my belt to know how to deal with people. I take the good with the bad in life and just accept it for what it is even if it does hurt... and yes holy shit does things hurt. but I think it\'s a good thing to have feelings because if a person didn\'t they would not progress or learn like the rest of us.. and if you think about it that would be really creepy.
You have expressed your self very well.....very truthfully....as you say no bull shit ...or something like that ......what I wanted to know is have you been depressed all your life even when you were a child ........since I have been 2 years old I have not wanted to be here ....now for the first time I can finally say I want to be here even though i am having a very hard time right now ......I don\'t want to right it all out here but if you would lie to talk more you can just message me ...it is not something I like to talk about to everyone .....but if you have an open mind you might find it interesting .......so I leave that up to you ..........I will keep you in my prayers ....take care of your self be good to your self ......god bless
I can relate as well. Anxiety and depression suck. Life is hard. I guess we just have to find ways to cope and get through it as best as we can. I\'ve seen many therapists for about 10 years and I still have the same problems I did when I began. I guess I\'ve gained some skills, tools and had someone to talk and vent to when there was no one else. I wish there was a magic pill to get rid of anxiety and depression! Anyway Keep journaling! Take care