At times on this sad road we travel, it does seem to get harder. The grieving process is not linear ~ it is cyclical ~ and we will have better days and worse days, especially for the first couple of years. For me it\'s been over 2 1/2 years since our 21 year old daughter, Corrie, was killed by a drunk driver and I still have really challenging days.
The path does get easier and less cluttered with triggers and obstacles that throw us down. Mostly wretched days will become okay days and eventually more good days than bad. Three months after we lost Corrie I was still in a constant fog, dragged down by the million pound cloud that I couldn\'t seem to get away from. I accomplished very little. And then I would have a moment where I would think \"okay ~ the worst is over and I\'ll be okay now.\" But then, like you are feeling today, I would say \"nope ~ it\'s not okay and I\'m still missing Corrie and in excruciating pain.\"
As the initial denial and numbness begin to wear off, the pain can become more raw and it feels like we\'re going backwards but that isn\'t true ~ you are slowly learning to live with this terrible loss of your precious son Jon and renewed pain is part of the process.
This grief journey requires a lot of patience, mostly with ourselves. Please be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself and take each breath as it comes ~ the way will get easier and the pain will soften. Sometime you need to allow yourself just to cry ~ you don\'t always have to be strong ~ you need lots of TLC yourself. Demand it!
Sending love and gentle hugs of encouragement and comfort ~ Debbie
Debbie said it very well. Some days I still feel like I am at square 1. We lost Lisa just over two years ago. This journey is like being on a roller coaster - ups and downs and unexpected turns. I am still on the roller coaster but it is less dramatic - the ups and downs are not as steep and the turns are not as sharp. I can even laugh again.
As for the tears, I think moms have an unlimited amount. Crying is a release for me now. Prior to Lisa\'s death, I rarely cried. For quite awhile after Lisa died, I had no idea when I would break down in tears. I cried a lot every day. I couldn\'t say Lisa\'s name without a deluge of tears. I felt physically ill at times. My eyes were red for a year.
One thing is for sure, we don\'t \"get over it\". We will never be okay with losing our children but it gets less painful and we are able to lead a somewhat normal life. I can even enjoy myself and laugh when I am with friends.
My savior was For Moms Only. The wonderful mothers understand me. Other bereaved mothers are the only ones who really understand the horror.
As Debbie said, be kind to yourself. Grieving is totally exhausting. Cry when you feel like crying and please don\'t pay attention to those who think they know what is best for you and tell you how you should feel or what you should do.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
It took me eleven months before I had a day without tears, and that only because I started on medication. Jason was a suicide and he died last March, it is almost a year now. It is a long slow road to healing, and it\'s different for each of us. For me as the sadness lightened the anxiety got worse, I just couldn\'t stand the anxiety any longer and asked to be put on medication to control it. Grief manifests itself in all different forms. I still have melt downs and anxious moments but not as often and not as intense. I too turn to FMO constantly for support. I could not bear to be without my sisters-of-the-heart.
It\'s okay to not be strong too... you have survived the worst possible loss and allowing yourself to feel all that you are is the most challenging work of a lifetime. You are doing just that and it is still so very new and raw.
Hold on tight and know that you are not alone and among loving woman who understand the language of grief, loss and in time finding hope once again.
Continue journaling as you are because it is so healing to get it all out as it trickles in.
I think we always have more tears. I\'m so sorry. Somedays it does seem like it can\'t get any more difficult then it does. It\'s so hard to have patience but one day you will have an OK day. Hang on to those days and when the bad ones come again, have faith that one day the OK days will be more often. It\'s been almost five years for me. It seems like yesterday some days and a life time ago other days. I still long for my son but it is different. I find joy in life again and I know you will too. Until then, we are here for you. Love to you. Robin
Replies
At times on this sad road we travel, it does seem to get harder. The grieving process is not linear ~ it is cyclical ~ and we will have better days and worse days, especially for the first couple of years. For me it\'s been over 2 1/2 years since our 21 year old daughter, Corrie, was killed by a drunk driver and I still have really challenging days.
The path does get easier and less cluttered with triggers and obstacles that throw us down. Mostly wretched days will become okay days and eventually more good days than bad. Three months after we lost Corrie I was still in a constant fog, dragged down by the million pound cloud that I couldn\'t seem to get away from. I accomplished very little. And then I would have a moment where I would think \"okay ~ the worst is over and I\'ll be okay now.\" But then, like you are feeling today, I would say \"nope ~ it\'s not okay and I\'m still missing Corrie and in excruciating pain.\"
As the initial denial and numbness begin to wear off, the pain can become more raw and it feels like we\'re going backwards but that isn\'t true ~ you are slowly learning to live with this terrible loss of your precious son Jon and renewed pain is part of the process.
This grief journey requires a lot of patience, mostly with ourselves. Please be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself and take each breath as it comes ~ the way will get easier and the pain will soften. Sometime you need to allow yourself just to cry ~ you don\'t always have to be strong ~ you need lots of TLC yourself. Demand it!
Sending love and gentle hugs of encouragement and comfort ~ Debbie
Debbie said it very well. Some days I still feel like I am at square 1. We lost Lisa just over two years ago. This journey is like being on a roller coaster - ups and downs and unexpected turns. I am still on the roller coaster but it is less dramatic - the ups and downs are not as steep and the turns are not as sharp. I can even laugh again.
As for the tears, I think moms have an unlimited amount. Crying is a release for me now. Prior to Lisa\'s death, I rarely cried. For quite awhile after Lisa died, I had no idea when I would break down in tears. I cried a lot every day. I couldn\'t say Lisa\'s name without a deluge of tears. I felt physically ill at times. My eyes were red for a year.
One thing is for sure, we don\'t \"get over it\". We will never be okay with losing our children but it gets less painful and we are able to lead a somewhat normal life. I can even enjoy myself and laugh when I am with friends.
My savior was For Moms Only. The wonderful mothers understand me. Other bereaved mothers are the only ones who really understand the horror.
As Debbie said, be kind to yourself. Grieving is totally exhausting. Cry when you feel like crying and please don\'t pay attention to those who think they know what is best for you and tell you how you should feel or what you should do.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
It took me eleven months before I had a day without tears, and that only because I started on medication. Jason was a suicide and he died last March, it is almost a year now. It is a long slow road to healing, and it\'s different for each of us. For me as the sadness lightened the anxiety got worse, I just couldn\'t stand the anxiety any longer and asked to be put on medication to control it. Grief manifests itself in all different forms. I still have melt downs and anxious moments but not as often and not as intense. I too turn to FMO constantly for support. I could not bear to be without my sisters-of-the-heart.
It\'s okay to not be strong too... you have survived the worst possible loss and allowing yourself to feel all that you are is the most challenging work of a lifetime. You are doing just that and it is still so very new and raw.
Hold on tight and know that you are not alone and among loving woman who understand the language of grief, loss and in time finding hope once again.
Continue journaling as you are because it is so healing to get it all out as it trickles in.
Gentle care and so much understanding.
XO Joanie
I\'ve cried a million or more and they keep coming....
I think we always have more tears. I\'m so sorry. Somedays it does seem like it can\'t get any more difficult then it does. It\'s so hard to have patience but one day you will have an OK day. Hang on to those days and when the bad ones come again, have faith that one day the OK days will be more often. It\'s been almost five years for me. It seems like yesterday some days and a life time ago other days. I still long for my son but it is different. I find joy in life again and I know you will too. Until then, we are here for you. Love to you. Robin