It's been too long...

Wow, I havent journaled since April.  Been reading posts & JE's regularly, didnt realize that its been almost 6 months.  I am not worthy.  As usual.
I am doing better, but I still have a lot of work to do.  It's kinda hitting home about that 15/85 rule.  Must work on myself, my head, my thoughts... these darn random thoughts that just fly into my brain from out of nowhere.  Any one else do this?  Be doing nothing, like driving to work, and all of a sudden you have these stupid ugly no sense thoughts that you know are not part of your genetic makeup.  But still, they float in and out of your head, and all you can do is try to change the subject.  Real quick.  (Yes, I talk to myself and other drivers on the road..!!!)
Yes, I have gambled in the last 6 months, but slowly I have downsized.  3 times a month, twice a month, once a month....  And I have banned myself from the two major tribes in the area, another step in my journey to break free from this addiction.  I thought about finding a new addiction, like Facebook maybe, but I see what that is doing to other people and I know me, I would be right there in the thick of it.  So, no, not going anywhere near that forum.
Have a confession.... I was on DS last night, reading the forum threads.  The more I read, the more I wanted to go.  And I did.  Blew 28 days of precious GF time.  Sucks.  But i wont stop reading because of that, will try to work harder on the 85% of my addiction. 
Been using my money more wisely.... Paying down my debt, took family on a vacation, finished my deck, took Alex on a mini vacation (saw Brooks & Dunn and Miranda Lambert in concert --- they were awesome), helped Kasey get her car repaired, buying baby stuff for my house & Kasey's (gonna be a She-She in less than a month, Kasey is having a girl & her name is Daysi.  I'm totally excited about that.).  But the biggest and most time consuming thing I have been doing is taking care of my mother.  Her health has gone down so much since my Dad passed away.  She is a diabetic and has congestive heart failure.  She is just so weak and has to have help with most of her activities.  But I dont mind... I love my Mom so much and I want to do everything I can for her.
My agenda for the next month --- start & finish the baby quilt I promised Kasey, DO NOT GAMBLE, throw Kasey a baby shower, DO NOT GAMBLE, start studying for my 2nd module of the APICS test (1 down, 4 to go), DO NOT GAMBLE, take care of my Mom, DO NOT GAMBLE and work on my head, my brain, my thoughts.  They have an AA app for the iPhone, seriously thinking about getting it.  You can read the big book on your phone!!!  (Maybe that's why I havent journaled in 6 months, got an iPhone and a got addicted to it).   Stupid addictive personalities--- who invented those???

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You are such a generous, loving person and I wish you could see yourself. I am glad you are doing better and enjoying life with your family and very sad about your mothers health. You seem to deal with all that life gives you but now and then you run off for escape and I know you work on it. I think of you often and wish only the best for you. lots of hugs barb
deleted_user
deleted_user

Gee, I agree with Mike....I don\'t see what you described at all....I see what he described....you are a loving, caring, giving person.......
I know what you mean about those thoughts when there isn\'t anything else in there whirling around.....I talk to other drivers too, but nothing I would care to repeat outside of the privacy of my own vehicle...LOL....
You and I are so much alike...always doing, being and taking care of others needs first....I\'m having to learn (still after 3 + years), that I have to put me first........lots of things going on in my life to let slide, just to spend all my time taking care of others, but it still happens that way.....getting better though.......
Miss you being around.