it's been to long

ok, I know it's been a while since i've been on this site. So much has been going on.Still feeling stressed and confused. Well, let's start with a recap of why I am on this page. March 24, 2010, I was diagnosed with HIV. It wasn't something I wanted in life and I only slept with my husband. But, husband wanted to try being with men. Who would of know that after my last child, he started feeling neglected. Stopped helping with the kids, worked as well as I did. Through out the 3 years prior to him giving me HIV, I have had crabs and syphillis. I always go to the dr and get myself checked out to stay healthy for my kids and myself. I'm glad I do, so, anyway, I ended up staying with him, even though all the heartache he caused. I don't know if it's just me or what, but didn't want my kids growing up without thier father in thier lives. So 22 years later I'm still here. My younget is 16 now. so I have my mind set that when she turns 18. I will be leaving his ass. Times aren't so bad, he take me on vascations all the time and dinner. But, I think that's his way of saying I'm sorry. As the years have gone by, I realized its been 8 years since we've had sex. After I was diagnosed with HIV he just stopped having sex with me. tell me do you think that lowered my self esteem.? Yes it did, It feels like i'm a void in his life. Now, I know some of you are asking why don't I leave, well, the way I see it, whose gonna want someone like me. I feel like i'm not worthy of anyone else and i'm sentenced to be unhappy and miserable until my kids are grown. Like I said I'm planning on leaving him once my daughter turns 05, and then we will see, where it goes from there, I often wonder why he has never left, maybe for the same reason about the kids. He does make remarks about packing my stuff up and leaving, but then I remeber the house is mine, so if he's so unhappy get your ass out.

next thing is my diabete's, I 've been a diabetic since february 2002, well last year, pills i was taking weren't working, so now, I'm on insulin. Don't like it, but it's doing the trick, up until a few months ago. In January, I was involved in a accident and a car t boned ours. I turned my body to the left and braced for impact on my side. Well it was the wrong thing to do. my whole left side and back are still in pain. We are going to physical therapy and accupunture, but nothing is helping. I'm tired of being on pain meds. I just want to be back to my old self again.  But, because of this accident, my blood sugars have been all over the place. I can't seem to get it under control again.