It's been forever......
....since I've posted on here. Please don't forget about me, dear friends! I'm sorry I've been out of touch. I've been on Christmas break, and then we got hit with a snowstorm, so now we have a snow day and go back to school on Monday (after a brief half-day back w/the kids yesterday). So I've been without internet access and missing my friends online here. I've thought about you over the holidays, especially, and wondered how you were all doing. I appreciate the hugs and thoughts so much.
I'm alright. To be honest, I've been really reflective over the past few days....this morning, I found myself thinking of Juno's last days and getting really depressed and teary and sad. So I try to force myself to replace those thoughts with happier memories.
The thing that worries me -- and I hate even admitting this and writing this down -- is that I worry so much I'll forget all the little, tiny details about Juno that I loved so much. It's been about 4 months since he passed away, and for me it feels like years. I pray for him every night, I carry a little bit of his fur with me every day in a special pouch (the vet was kind enough to give me a clipping of his fur), I say a goodbye to his little altar every morning before I leave for work.....)....I will never forget him, I know that.........................
But the pain of remembering him? Looking at his pictures all the time? It's too much for me. I can't talk about him without crying. So I try to suppress it....and then a lovely memory will pop up -- lying down with him on my bed with the sunlight streaming in through the windows as he naps next to me after I've had a hard day at work.......and the tears come back again. Sometimes, it's easier not to remember, but at the same time, I don't want to forget.
I think I'm worried that eventually accepting his death will lead to forgetting. Does that worry make sense? Do any of you feel this way??
I think that worry is compounded by the fact that I'm enjoying Ziggy and Marley's company more now. They're so sweet -- 2 little all black kittens, not even one year old yet, from the same litter -- and I feel guilt over it. Ziggy is a snuggle monster; Marley not so much with me (he adores my husband), but he's still a sweetie.....
And Ziggy is becoming more vocal, and sometimes his little meows and gurgles sound just like Juno's did, and it breaks my heart. It really does.
I'm holding back tears as I write all this in a coffee shop. Juno was and always will be my little sprite...my soul mate. His energy has to be out there somewhere, right? That never dies, does it? It can't. He was such a beautiful spirit. I loved him so, so much. I miss "talking" to him, picking him up and curling him on my left shoulder. Watching the light dim from his eyes as I held him in my arms when we put him to sleep was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. Dear God, I can't think about it....
I hope he remembers me when I get to heaven. I hope he's IN heaven. I hope he's embraced by God every day, surrounded by sunlight and catnip and sweet little animals who cuddle with him and keep him company.
I'm so upset. I'm openly crying right now. It's been days since I've written a journal entry; it's a cathartic process, it really is, but it does bring on tears!
Thank you all for reading. Even though I can't check this site as often as I want to, I want you all to know how much you've helped me. I wish you all a good start to the new year, and a brighter, more peaceful 2014 in our hearts. I'll write again as soon as I can. I need to stop now. Many hugs to all of you.
xoxoxo
I'm alright. To be honest, I've been really reflective over the past few days....this morning, I found myself thinking of Juno's last days and getting really depressed and teary and sad. So I try to force myself to replace those thoughts with happier memories.
The thing that worries me -- and I hate even admitting this and writing this down -- is that I worry so much I'll forget all the little, tiny details about Juno that I loved so much. It's been about 4 months since he passed away, and for me it feels like years. I pray for him every night, I carry a little bit of his fur with me every day in a special pouch (the vet was kind enough to give me a clipping of his fur), I say a goodbye to his little altar every morning before I leave for work.....)....I will never forget him, I know that.........................
But the pain of remembering him? Looking at his pictures all the time? It's too much for me. I can't talk about him without crying. So I try to suppress it....and then a lovely memory will pop up -- lying down with him on my bed with the sunlight streaming in through the windows as he naps next to me after I've had a hard day at work.......and the tears come back again. Sometimes, it's easier not to remember, but at the same time, I don't want to forget.
I think I'm worried that eventually accepting his death will lead to forgetting. Does that worry make sense? Do any of you feel this way??
I think that worry is compounded by the fact that I'm enjoying Ziggy and Marley's company more now. They're so sweet -- 2 little all black kittens, not even one year old yet, from the same litter -- and I feel guilt over it. Ziggy is a snuggle monster; Marley not so much with me (he adores my husband), but he's still a sweetie.....
And Ziggy is becoming more vocal, and sometimes his little meows and gurgles sound just like Juno's did, and it breaks my heart. It really does.
I'm holding back tears as I write all this in a coffee shop. Juno was and always will be my little sprite...my soul mate. His energy has to be out there somewhere, right? That never dies, does it? It can't. He was such a beautiful spirit. I loved him so, so much. I miss "talking" to him, picking him up and curling him on my left shoulder. Watching the light dim from his eyes as I held him in my arms when we put him to sleep was one of the most traumatic moments of my life. Dear God, I can't think about it....
I hope he remembers me when I get to heaven. I hope he's IN heaven. I hope he's embraced by God every day, surrounded by sunlight and catnip and sweet little animals who cuddle with him and keep him company.
I'm so upset. I'm openly crying right now. It's been days since I've written a journal entry; it's a cathartic process, it really is, but it does bring on tears!
Thank you all for reading. Even though I can't check this site as often as I want to, I want you all to know how much you've helped me. I wish you all a good start to the new year, and a brighter, more peaceful 2014 in our hearts. I'll write again as soon as I can. I need to stop now. Many hugs to all of you.
xoxoxo
Replies
Yes, again we share the same feelings. I am enjoying Kali and she is bringing joy back into our house. I do feel as though I am forgetting about Cookie. And that freaks me out. I look at her pictures often to remember things about her. I miss her soooo much. Kali is so different from Cookie. But she is a sweetie too. Hugs for a brand New Year XOXO! Glad you were able to enjoy your Holiday break.
i know exactly how you feel,it hurts so much to remember the happy memories about clay....yet i want to remember them...i miss him so so much.i have to put these memories to the back of my mind cause like you i can\'t think or talk of him without crying.i just feel so robbed when i think of his energy and love he gave me and love of life on walks and chasing balls and squeaky toys(his favourite).he was only 7,should still be here,god even now i have to stop cause its too upsetting.i will never ever forget clay,that i know,he was my baby,as juno was yours,you will never forget the little things,they will always be in your mind and your heart,hugs xx
I know exactly how you are feeling. I\'m crying as I read your journal. It\'s hard for me to think of Abby because then I start crying but I am afraid I will forget her because I force myself not to think of her. I still have a hard time looking at pictures but some days I just need to see her. Every night before I go to sleep I pray that she will come to me in a dream so I know that she is alright. I have even begged her to give me a sign but every morning I wake up disappointed.
Don\'t worry about your friends forgetting about you, we could never forget someone as special as you. I hope 2014 brings you peace and happiness.....hugs.