It\'s been awhile....

  Well....I've been away for a bit. I was having a really hard time just "being". Nothing was feeling good or right & I just had to hibernate, so to speak.  I have been off work for the whole month of April. I was happy for the break but in the beginning, being home alone all day was very lonely & depressing. Even though it was what I wanted & is a stepping stone to my goal of returning to school, it was a shot to my esteem not being at work. I went through feelings of failure that I couldn't just be happy where I was & that maybe my ex was right & I really had no ambition. That of course, led to feelings of failure for my marriage & again, maybe he was right that I was to blame for everything.  After a a couple of weeks of this, I returned to my doctor & he increased my dosage of celexa just a bit. What a difference that has made! I certainly dont want to be dependant on a little pill for the rest of my life but it has certainly been a Godsend right now! I actually feel like my old happy-go-lucky, optimistic self! I still have moments of grief on occassion, as is to be expected, but I look at them in a whole different light now. I know they are part of the healing process & they are just feelings & will pass. Sure enough, they do & I feel back to normal again. I have been smiling again & more playful 7 patient with my girls. I have been surfing POF (online dating site) & have gone out for coffee with several very nice men. I am certainly not ready to jump into any type of relationship but I am certainly enjoying getting out, normal, everyday conversation & company. And I have to admit, there is a thrill in the whole process of meeting new men. :) I have had several heated arguments with the ex in the past month or so but even there, I am feeling better. I much prefer just not to have contact at all. I end up getting angry or hurt & I have said some extremely hurtful things to him that I am sure has caused him to hate me now but oh, well....I know I have done the best that I could. I have felt worse about myself after saying certain things, not because of hurtung his feelings, but because I dont like that I can be that mean & vindictive so I am really trying just not to have any contact at all. I was hurt & angry at him for so long for things he has said that had tainted all my memories of the past 10 years. But I have recently decided that they are my memories & I was happy at those times. I refuse to let him take those away from me. I choose now to look back on some things fondly. when the thought creeps in whether he was happy or not, I tell myself "who cares if he was...I was & that's what I choose to remember". That has made me feel better. really, if he has no good memories then that sucks for him, not me!I didn't make him miserable, he did that himself with his inability to communicate.  So, overall, things are going much better. I feel great lately & I know I'm on the road to recovery. Thank you to all my friends on here that have shown concern & support even when I couldn't give in return. I love you all & pray for you......((((()))))) to all of you! :)