It\'s been a while....

but I'm back.I've had a rough few weeks and please excuse my ramblings but this may take some time.Last Tuesday I was taken into hospital in total agony, they found out my baby was in the wrong place and pregnancy was eptopic so had to operate. I had the operation Wednesday which means I have lost my baby  but thankfully still have my own life. After the operation I had some numbness in my legs, I'd had this when I went in on Tuesday but this was different. I had an MRI and they found I have arthiritis in my spine and a damaged nerve. The nerve damage was quite bad, it's  bruised and swollen and because of this I can't move my left leg.I finally got to come home last night after much crying and begging with the nursing staff, doctors and physios. For now I'm on crutches with daily exercises to try and trigger movement, the district nurse visiting daily and muscular skeletal physio twice a week. Right now I don't know how I feel. I feel sad for the loss of my  baby. Pain, just constantly all over. Distress at how I was treated. I've painted on my happy face, I've told eveyone I'm fine and I can cope but now I'm home things have become a reality. I may never walk properly again, if I do I could lose the use of my leg again at anytime, I could possibly need surgery on my spine, that will not only be painful but a risky operation.I may have only been 14 weeks pregnant but I miss my baby. I had gotten used to the fact that I was on my own with him/her and planned our lives out. I'd picked out prams and cots, discussed birth options with my midwife, picked out babies god parents. The list is endless. Now I feel empty. I feel like I'm all alone in the world. I know I'm not. I know I have friend who will help, family who care, but I'm sick of putting on people. I don't want to become a burden to anybody. I want to be happy smiley Chele again, instead I'm distraught over everything that has happened. I've not come to terms with any of it and I've not yet grieved for my baby.