It's been a long time ...
I haven't been on this site in so long I'm sure I don't know but a few. Why today? Why do I feel that I need to be here now? I think I'm searching for someone else whose life actually seemed to stop with divorce. I go through the motions every day, I hide my pain from all who know me, but I feel it and I live it, every single day.
I was with my ex for 24 years and my divorce was final on 4.3.2009 ... yes almost 4 years ago. I'm no longer in love with my ex, I don't even like him. If he were to even suggest coming back, I know in my heart of hearts I would not take him. I'm over him but I'm not over what he did to me, our marriage, our kids, our life. Maybe I'm one of those types who will never get over the betrayal. No, I don't dwell on it everyday but it's still very much a part of my life. I am still so angry at him. Not for the cheating and subsequent divorce but for the financial mess he's left me with. I could spend a whole page talking about the financial hole I'm in. It's not astronomical but it's a lot to me.
I'm here right now because I had a little medical scare about an hour ago. I went to the 24 hr clinic and they wouldn't see me because I have a balance due of $175. I was nothing short of hysterical thinking I was having an allergic reaction, afraid I was going to stop breathing (unrealistic, yes) and they wouldn't see me because of a lousy $175. I don't have insurance and I couldn't pay the past due balance and the doctor actually turned me away .. tears and all. This is just another example of how my finances have changed since my ex decided he loved someone else.
While he's living in a $270,000 home with the other woman, my kids (his kids) and I have moved 5 times in 4 years. I live paycheck to paycheck still. I'm thankful my check allows us to have somewhere to live, but I'm not really living. I'm existing. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy again because right now it doesn't seem like it.
You know what I love ... I love it when someone with money states you don't need money to be happy. Well only those with money think that way. Those of us without money know it's necessary not only for basic survival but for having a life at all. I don't date much becaue I can't spare the extra gas to get there. I had everything I needed when I was married. We had a decent life and didn't want for much ... not rich mind you but we were comfortable. This is where my anger comes from at him. This is why I'm having a hard time just moving on to a normal, happy life. Every time something finacially comes up, and it does often, and I don't have the money to fix it or pay for it, my anger resurfaces. I didn't deserve to live this way. My kids don't deserve to live this way. I have creditors calling me everyday. My paycheck has been garnished ... 25% they take every paycheck. That means half your monthly income is taken. My landlord gave me a lecture today because I'm late again. I've never been a whole month late but I rarely make it right on time. It's a miracle when I do.
It's hard to move on with my life when I feel like I'm drowning. Not a day goes by that somebody isn't calling asking me to pay my bill. Mostly medial bills. Let's see ... in the last 4 years I've had an aneurysm, a spinal tap, a breast biopsy and skin cancer all without insurance. Today some sort of allergic reaction and the hits just keep on coming. It's truly overwhelming.
I often wonder what I've done bad in my life to deserve what's happened to me in the last 5 years. I know I'm a good person, I have a true heart, I don't abuse drugs, alcohol or people. I'm not a saint but I'm not a bad person.
I just want normal again. Just normal. Happy, content, a light in my eyes again. Right now, I'm not sure what God has planned for me. Maybe someday I'll understand, but today, right now, I just don't get it.
I was with my ex for 24 years and my divorce was final on 4.3.2009 ... yes almost 4 years ago. I'm no longer in love with my ex, I don't even like him. If he were to even suggest coming back, I know in my heart of hearts I would not take him. I'm over him but I'm not over what he did to me, our marriage, our kids, our life. Maybe I'm one of those types who will never get over the betrayal. No, I don't dwell on it everyday but it's still very much a part of my life. I am still so angry at him. Not for the cheating and subsequent divorce but for the financial mess he's left me with. I could spend a whole page talking about the financial hole I'm in. It's not astronomical but it's a lot to me.
I'm here right now because I had a little medical scare about an hour ago. I went to the 24 hr clinic and they wouldn't see me because I have a balance due of $175. I was nothing short of hysterical thinking I was having an allergic reaction, afraid I was going to stop breathing (unrealistic, yes) and they wouldn't see me because of a lousy $175. I don't have insurance and I couldn't pay the past due balance and the doctor actually turned me away .. tears and all. This is just another example of how my finances have changed since my ex decided he loved someone else.
While he's living in a $270,000 home with the other woman, my kids (his kids) and I have moved 5 times in 4 years. I live paycheck to paycheck still. I'm thankful my check allows us to have somewhere to live, but I'm not really living. I'm existing. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy again because right now it doesn't seem like it.
You know what I love ... I love it when someone with money states you don't need money to be happy. Well only those with money think that way. Those of us without money know it's necessary not only for basic survival but for having a life at all. I don't date much becaue I can't spare the extra gas to get there. I had everything I needed when I was married. We had a decent life and didn't want for much ... not rich mind you but we were comfortable. This is where my anger comes from at him. This is why I'm having a hard time just moving on to a normal, happy life. Every time something finacially comes up, and it does often, and I don't have the money to fix it or pay for it, my anger resurfaces. I didn't deserve to live this way. My kids don't deserve to live this way. I have creditors calling me everyday. My paycheck has been garnished ... 25% they take every paycheck. That means half your monthly income is taken. My landlord gave me a lecture today because I'm late again. I've never been a whole month late but I rarely make it right on time. It's a miracle when I do.
It's hard to move on with my life when I feel like I'm drowning. Not a day goes by that somebody isn't calling asking me to pay my bill. Mostly medial bills. Let's see ... in the last 4 years I've had an aneurysm, a spinal tap, a breast biopsy and skin cancer all without insurance. Today some sort of allergic reaction and the hits just keep on coming. It's truly overwhelming.
I often wonder what I've done bad in my life to deserve what's happened to me in the last 5 years. I know I'm a good person, I have a true heart, I don't abuse drugs, alcohol or people. I'm not a saint but I'm not a bad person.
I just want normal again. Just normal. Happy, content, a light in my eyes again. Right now, I'm not sure what God has planned for me. Maybe someday I'll understand, but today, right now, I just don't get it.
Replies
Oh Crissy.. I will write you more on Sat. I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. I know you.. originals here are you, me and a few others still here! I was going to shut my computer down and opened the window and there you are! Stay calm, you are under a lot of stress. Do you have some Beneydrl? You are a wonderful person. Please hang in there. You can make it, you have been through so much.. HUGS!
Hi Ms Terey ... I do remember you, one of the originals. Thank you for the uplifting message. Very much needed and appreciated. I hope you are doing well. I have my good days, truly I do but yesterday seemed like another slap in the face. Isn\'t it strange that I turned to DS or maybe not. I found so much support and comfort from my \"family\" here back then. Maybe I was just looking for someone, exactly like you, to tell me once again that everything will be ok. ((Hugs)) to you too.
Chrissy - I am an old-timer, too (August 2008) and remember you well. I am so sorry to hear of your financial troubles and of your most recent medical scare. That\'s just awful that you were refused medical attention! Would a hospital do the same thing if you were having a heart attack? I wonder.
I am also in a huge transition right now and the uncertainty and mixed emotions that go with it have gotten to me a few times in the past few weeks. I am relying heavily on my faith and my support system -- both here on DS and in \"real life\" to help me through it..
KNOW that I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep in touch! xoxox
I remember you too. I am so sorry that your ex left you in a mess financially. If you were looking for anyone whose life ended with divorce, you found me. I have only existed since he dumped me, and finances are a part of that, but mostly, since I have no relatives and at 60 no hope for another partner, sheer misery of utter loneliness. If it helps you to know that someone else has been terminated by the dissolution, glad to share.
I hope with all my heart that you will see a great change for you soon. I truly do.
Thank you boydie for your message. Actually I\'d rather not find anyone else who feels like I do but I guess it\'s inevitable. I do have to say though that 60 is NOT too old to find another partner. My sister\'s mother-in-law found the love of her life at 68 .... it happens. I wish you all the best as well.
I\'m late to the party and will send you a message on Facebook. I\'m so sorry to hear all this! I understand the anger and frustration...and no insurance. I\'m thinking of you and will send you a message shortly. xoxo