It's always worse on the weekends
During the week, I can find something to do. Class. Homework. Library. Something.
But after about 9PM on Friday nights, I run out of homework. I don't have class on the weekends. I usually can't walk to the library because the pain it causes is honestly not worth it.
Stupid pain. I hate it. I hate my back. I was diagnosed with chronic pain at 14. FOURTEEN. I have lived over 75% of my life with back pain. When I was 5, my back hurt, so my mom and I went to get a mattress pad. FIVE. KINDERGARTEN. That was almost fourteen years ago.
I don't even know what to say to people. I get made fun of for having a rolling backpack, but that's the condition my PCP had for signing the health history form. And it IS a relief to not have a laptop bag on one shoulder and a tote bag with all my notebooks on the other. I can't help it. When I try to explain, people just laugh and walk on. They don't believe me. I'm too young for pain, they say. When I'm fifty, then I can talk.
I don't need to be fifty to know how I feel. The worst part is never knowing, day to day, what life will be like. Laying down, I don't know if I'll drop off to sleep instantly or spend forty-five minutes finding the position that hurts least. I never know if I'll hop out of bed and get ready like a rabbit on crack (I haven't had one of those days in about three years) or if it will take me five minutes and a lot of swearing to get myself sitting on the edge of the bed (a much more common occurrence).
But that's common, everyday stuff. What's worse on the weekends is the mental stuff. I'm messed up, I know that. Every weekend, like clockwork, as soon as I run out of things to keep myself busy, BAM. Why am I still here? How can I justify using these resources? My pain's going to be this bad until I die - why not just die now? etc.
I promised someone I'd start therapy after winter break. It's after winter break now, and I don't know if I can go through with it. I can't talk to people face-to-face. How can I ask someone to take time out of their busy schedule to help me? I can't even bring myself to ask the people who work at the cafeteria for food, or to talk to my classmates about classwork. How can I tell a stranger what's going on?
I don't even know what the point of this entry was. Maybe it was just to write some things down.
God, I'm tired of hurting.
But after about 9PM on Friday nights, I run out of homework. I don't have class on the weekends. I usually can't walk to the library because the pain it causes is honestly not worth it.
Stupid pain. I hate it. I hate my back. I was diagnosed with chronic pain at 14. FOURTEEN. I have lived over 75% of my life with back pain. When I was 5, my back hurt, so my mom and I went to get a mattress pad. FIVE. KINDERGARTEN. That was almost fourteen years ago.
I don't even know what to say to people. I get made fun of for having a rolling backpack, but that's the condition my PCP had for signing the health history form. And it IS a relief to not have a laptop bag on one shoulder and a tote bag with all my notebooks on the other. I can't help it. When I try to explain, people just laugh and walk on. They don't believe me. I'm too young for pain, they say. When I'm fifty, then I can talk.
I don't need to be fifty to know how I feel. The worst part is never knowing, day to day, what life will be like. Laying down, I don't know if I'll drop off to sleep instantly or spend forty-five minutes finding the position that hurts least. I never know if I'll hop out of bed and get ready like a rabbit on crack (I haven't had one of those days in about three years) or if it will take me five minutes and a lot of swearing to get myself sitting on the edge of the bed (a much more common occurrence).
But that's common, everyday stuff. What's worse on the weekends is the mental stuff. I'm messed up, I know that. Every weekend, like clockwork, as soon as I run out of things to keep myself busy, BAM. Why am I still here? How can I justify using these resources? My pain's going to be this bad until I die - why not just die now? etc.
I promised someone I'd start therapy after winter break. It's after winter break now, and I don't know if I can go through with it. I can't talk to people face-to-face. How can I ask someone to take time out of their busy schedule to help me? I can't even bring myself to ask the people who work at the cafeteria for food, or to talk to my classmates about classwork. How can I tell a stranger what's going on?
I don't even know what the point of this entry was. Maybe it was just to write some things down.
God, I'm tired of hurting.
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