it's alright to die right?
Dear whoever is reading this,
this is more for myself than for you reading it. some reading this may be going through the same things I am, and I feel for you because I know it fucking sucks. enjoy I guess?
lately it's been getting worse and I can't seem to control it. I use to have a little bit of control but now I cant even stop it without taking pills and I DONT want to take pills. it makes me feel weak and like a freak. you know that feeling? I don't want to rely on pills, I want to be able to control my life. I am supposed to take my pills when I start to feel bad. today it happened again and I didn't take my pills. the voices wont stop and I can hear them all perfectly clear. and they aren't saying anything nice. but the pills blur the voices. but what if I don't want that? what if the voices are all I have?
my mom thinks I am taking the pills but I guess she doesn't notice my emotions changing. she never notices little details like that. she is like everyone else who only notice when something tragic happens.
that's another reason why I am writing this. I know no one notices me feeling the way I did until I tried to go back home to the angels in the clouds. that's also why I don't want to take pills because one day I know that one day I will try to get away to the place I call home. but would that really be a bad thing?
im not really sure of anything at the moment but when I know I will be sure to tell you.
thanks for reading,
-Porcelain00
this is more for myself than for you reading it. some reading this may be going through the same things I am, and I feel for you because I know it fucking sucks. enjoy I guess?
lately it's been getting worse and I can't seem to control it. I use to have a little bit of control but now I cant even stop it without taking pills and I DONT want to take pills. it makes me feel weak and like a freak. you know that feeling? I don't want to rely on pills, I want to be able to control my life. I am supposed to take my pills when I start to feel bad. today it happened again and I didn't take my pills. the voices wont stop and I can hear them all perfectly clear. and they aren't saying anything nice. but the pills blur the voices. but what if I don't want that? what if the voices are all I have?
my mom thinks I am taking the pills but I guess she doesn't notice my emotions changing. she never notices little details like that. she is like everyone else who only notice when something tragic happens.
that's another reason why I am writing this. I know no one notices me feeling the way I did until I tried to go back home to the angels in the clouds. that's also why I don't want to take pills because one day I know that one day I will try to get away to the place I call home. but would that really be a bad thing?
im not really sure of anything at the moment but when I know I will be sure to tell you.
thanks for reading,
-Porcelain00
Replies
I understand how you feel. I resisted medication a long time, myself.
Then I realized. If I had diabetes, that doesn\'t make me weak, it\'s just a chemical imbalance. It\'s bad luck, but it doesn\'t make me weak, So I\'d take insulin to even it out a bit.
People have chemical imbalances in their brains sometimes. They have too much serotonin, or too little, too much or not enough dopamine. Its bad luck, but it doesn\'t mean they\'re weak. And it can take a lot of monthly sessions with a PSYCHIATRIST not just a regular doctor to find the right drugs to even out the serotonin and dopamine. Check wikipedia, there\'s close to 100 different medications out there, and if you\'re not feeling close enough to right, you may need a different medication.
And I\'ve had two failed suicide attempts in my life. Sooner or later I\'ll make a 3rd, and get it right. BUT... thats because I\'m old now. In my late teens I started having more good days than bad ones, and life has had some fun moments. So I probably won\'t take myself out until I\'m getting too old and sick to enjoy anything.
Stick around a while, it gets better.