It's about ME again!!
Happy Friday dear Sisters of the Heart!! A quick journal because I am about ready to lose it and I know through this amazing virtual world that all of you live in with me, I know you are there for me.....
Remember the mom @ work that has 3 boys and because of her religion they go on 2 year mission trips where she cannot see them but can email, phone call on holidays, etc....Well her one son who has been gone 2 years came home yesterday....so.....today she is crying with joy, talking about it, and how great it was to see her son....I am happy for her but I find myself JEALOUS, ANGRY AND INCREDIBLY SAD that I was not meeting my daughter - even in heaven @ those gates.....
Dear friends, is it always going to be where it is soooo difficult to be happy for others because they have what I don't have now? I really hate this...I am reminded my life is changed, my heart is changed BUT at the same time I want to be genuinely happy for someone else...Maybe someday!!!!! So today the hole in my heart is large, the day will seem long because all I want to do is to go home, hug the teddy bear with Jennifer's ashes in it and CRY CRY CRY....DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT......
Tomorrow - I see Hunter - soothing balm on my hurting heart.....much love to you all. Vicki
Remember the mom @ work that has 3 boys and because of her religion they go on 2 year mission trips where she cannot see them but can email, phone call on holidays, etc....Well her one son who has been gone 2 years came home yesterday....so.....today she is crying with joy, talking about it, and how great it was to see her son....I am happy for her but I find myself JEALOUS, ANGRY AND INCREDIBLY SAD that I was not meeting my daughter - even in heaven @ those gates.....
Dear friends, is it always going to be where it is soooo difficult to be happy for others because they have what I don't have now? I really hate this...I am reminded my life is changed, my heart is changed BUT at the same time I want to be genuinely happy for someone else...Maybe someday!!!!! So today the hole in my heart is large, the day will seem long because all I want to do is to go home, hug the teddy bear with Jennifer's ashes in it and CRY CRY CRY....DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT......
Tomorrow - I see Hunter - soothing balm on my hurting heart.....much love to you all. Vicki
Replies
Oh Vicki. I can so understand. I still have those feelings when friends talk about their kids and how happy they are. It hurts like H--- when we see others having the life that we have lost. Jealous? yes. Angry? absolutely. Sad? more than anyone except our SOTH can understand.
I wish I could be there to give you a huge hug and cry with you.
Enjoy your time with Hunter!
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
Understanding your feelings dear Vicki and all of them are as they need to be. I remember watching my sister dance with her son at his wedding. I almost bit a hole in the side of my lip trying to \"keep it together.\" It was a stark reminder of what I would never get to experience.
In that hole with you and grateful you can share.
Travel safely and I know you will savor your time with your darling Hunter.
Thinking of YOU and your precious Jennifer with an understanding that only another mother can have.
With love and care,
XO Joanie
It is SO very hard to be happy for others when our heart is broken open & so raw with pain. You\'ve come to the one place here that others truly can relate to your feelings & pain. Feel all the love energy coming to you in your time of need Vicki. May your day quickly goes by so you soon will get to be with Hunter.
Hugs of understanding......Vicki
I am so dark green jealous somedays that it hurts...... right with you....
love ya!
Yes, sometimes I get very angry and sad, when I see others with their sons, yet mine is gone. The love and attention that they get from their sons, but I get nothing. My son is gone!! I am so damn mad, i could spit !
I hope you enjoy your visit with hunter !
(((HUGS)))...Julia
The joys of others is so hard for us in the beginning! Kala was in the middle of her senior year of HS, and was very popular, so there was a lot activities I was invited to on her behalf. Then it was prom, graduation, friends going off to college, then weddings, then babies......OH GOSH IT WAS HARD TO SMILE....but I did. And it wasn\'t fake....it just wasn\'t \"full\"....
Now, my smiles ARE full and the joy felt by others, is also felt by me with no pauses. YES I will forever wish Kala had done this or is doing that....but I do have real joy for the goodness in my life, and the lives of others. It can come....if we allow it. But like everything else....one step, one breath at a time.
What gets me through the most now is the knowledge that Kala has the BEST LIFE OF ALL!!!
I so understand...we all do. Hang in there beautiful! I promise it won\'t always be this hard.
Yes...you will feel joy for others one day...I believe God will see to it! Two days ago a friend\'s son was in a car accident. I love this boy..always have. I was so afraid while he was in surgery, and I prayed as much for myself as I did for him and his parents. All day yesterday, I cried because I was so grateful that he was going to be okay..I did not relax until I went to the hospital and saw him..I needed to put my arms around him. And then I looked at his mom..really, I was really happy that she did not lose her son..I felt it deep inside. God had made me ready...not healed..just ready for this incident. I hope you allow yourself honest feelings...I still have my share of those..one minute at a time. Love, Lauri
There are times - days, weeks, that you have to be \"all about you.\" Feel it, it hurts - but this is just part of the journey. We will get through it, until we meet our child(ren) again.
Thank You...all of you help me so much....I appreciate it.