It's a very rainy day

I know yesterday I was in a very bad mood and I couldn't help but write and tell how I was feeling at the time... I am doing better today and I had a very long talk with Chad and I am praying that things will only get better from here. I have kept all of those things bottled up to myself and I guess yesterday I finally blew a fuse. I am trying to keep writing and keep everyone updated because it's very important that everyone know how I am doing... I am learning so much and keeping things bottled up isn't very healthy at all. I am usually a very quiet person and I don't like telling my personal life to everyone but sometimes talking is the only thing that helps me get through the day... It has been such a rough 2 years for me and I am finally dealing with things that I have kept in for so long and I guess that's the price you pay when you never say how you feel. I really wish my granddaddy was still here with me and I could sit and tell him everything that was wrong because he would always give me a bright outlook on the situation I was in... It will be 2 years July 6th that he hasn't been here with me and although I do talk to him and pray to him I know he hears me but I would do anything just to talk to him and see him and give him a million hugs and kisses.... I know that can't happen and since he has passed I just feel like I can't breath and I still dial his number praying that he will pick up... I have so much I want to tell him everyday and it breaks my heart into a million pieces... When you find that person you feel safe with and tell everything to and they are no longer here it's the worst feeling in the world... I have been dealing with his passing for awhile now and it hasn't gotten any easier but I do know that I have a permanent guardian angel watching over me now... Without him here with me I don't know what to do but it's time that I start healing and realizing he's not physically here but mentally he will always be here and the memories we have will always be with me and they were the happiest times in my life... I am feeling better today and I haven't had a mood change yet and I pray so very hard that it stays that way.... It's a very rainy day here and very cold and dreary so I have my front door open listening to the rain and the birds and it's so nice and relaxing to hear the birds and rain.... I am seeing bright days in my near future and I will continue to strive to make sure I am happy and I will beat this depression one way or another... I have let this disease control my life for years and I am ready to take the control back and get my life back on track... Chad is an amazing man and he has a lot of growing up to do but so do I we are both young and sometimes care free but with God's help we will make it through anything. We may fight and argue but everyone has those days but when I see the smile on his face it's all worth it. We are also trying to work on our relationship and fix a few things that need to be worked on... It's a work in progress and everything takes time... I know that I love him more than anything in this world and I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Chad. I was going through my split with Blake when we first met and Chad asked me for months to go out on a date with him and I kept saying no no no leave me alone. His mother called me and asked me to please give him a chance and I was so scared of being hurt because of all the things Blake had done to me and one night I was so upset and crying and Chad picked me up and we have been together ever since December 21,2011.... It was the greatest feeling in the world to know that he was there and I finally felt safe again... He saved my life from the worst thing on the planet.. He showed me not all men are bad and to give love a fighting chance. 1 year later we are happy and very healthy and he is my very best friend till this very day... I was tired of hurting and then he walked into my life and it was a feeling I had never known and for the first time I didn't feel alone.. Chad is the most wonderful man I have ever met and everyday we grow closer and fall in love all over again... God has truly blessed me and I don't know where my life would be without him and his blessing... He has taught me how to love how to respect others and love deeper than the deepest skies.. God saved my life and I still tremble thinking about the day I gave my life to him I was 15 years old and it was the greatest feeling in the world... I have grown so much closer to my family and I have friends who would do anything in this world for me... My life may not be perfect and sometimes it's messy and hard but I wouldn't trade my crazy life for the most perfect one out there. Life isn't meant to be easy you have to work to get what you want and you make the best out of the worst... My life might not make sense to anyone else but to me it's my story and I have had very bumpy rides but it's my bumpy ride and I have beat everything that has been thrown my way so Ii am very excite to see what my future holds for me and I am ready to face it head on :)