It's a new day!
It's a possibility I just may feel a little better today. I went to the heart Dr. Friday and he said he thought my heart was good and everything I experienced was/is due to dehydration and severe diarrhea. This has been severe for 6 weeks now and I am 10 lbs. lighter (which I don't like). Today is the first day I have not ran to the bathroom as soon as I ate....YEAH. All my tests results have come back normal and the Dr's are taken back a bit.
In my quiet time this morning I was led to *desire* to let go of the need for attention outside of myself. I am and have let go of much of my co-dependency and I can see how my co-ness was such a craving for attention; the need to be important; the need for validation and approval; the need to be needed. I don't know and it doesn't matter but this morning as I surrendered to my Divine Ignorance (letting of what *I* needed to know) and asking for Divine Help, I heard *you don't need to be sick in order to get attention.) Now if I have created this (and I do't know that nor do I any longer have the need to know that) I am desiring, once again "to let go of any kind of attention OUTSIDE MYSELF!!!
During this process I have embraced a frightened, petrified, scared, lonely little girl who was NEVER ALLOWED TO BE SICK. I have embraced my fear of Dr's and could see how I was so judgmental of them thinking they thought they were better than me. Fear to the max. I have embraced the sickness and asked it to show me what to do and it said "just be with it." I have given myself permission to cry and experience all the grief that has been involved in this. I have embraced all the ways I was co and still am at times co...I have embraced that child/adult who does not know better. I have embraced my Divine Ignorance...thinking at times how I knew so much and really I knew nothing.
I embraced the 3 weeks that I could not feel anything with Spirit; what the fuck was going on. But then I realized maybe reaching a place of "nothingness" and "silence" was exactly where I needed to be.
Today is a new day and I am appreciative for this experience; even though it has and still does scare the crap out of me at times...physically and literally.
I am grateful for this Great Power that lives in me and comforts me when I am so afraid. I truly am comforted by that which is Eternal...LOVE!
Happy Sunday to all!
xx
In my quiet time this morning I was led to *desire* to let go of the need for attention outside of myself. I am and have let go of much of my co-dependency and I can see how my co-ness was such a craving for attention; the need to be important; the need for validation and approval; the need to be needed. I don't know and it doesn't matter but this morning as I surrendered to my Divine Ignorance (letting of what *I* needed to know) and asking for Divine Help, I heard *you don't need to be sick in order to get attention.) Now if I have created this (and I do't know that nor do I any longer have the need to know that) I am desiring, once again "to let go of any kind of attention OUTSIDE MYSELF!!!
During this process I have embraced a frightened, petrified, scared, lonely little girl who was NEVER ALLOWED TO BE SICK. I have embraced my fear of Dr's and could see how I was so judgmental of them thinking they thought they were better than me. Fear to the max. I have embraced the sickness and asked it to show me what to do and it said "just be with it." I have given myself permission to cry and experience all the grief that has been involved in this. I have embraced all the ways I was co and still am at times co...I have embraced that child/adult who does not know better. I have embraced my Divine Ignorance...thinking at times how I knew so much and really I knew nothing.
I embraced the 3 weeks that I could not feel anything with Spirit; what the fuck was going on. But then I realized maybe reaching a place of "nothingness" and "silence" was exactly where I needed to be.
Today is a new day and I am appreciative for this experience; even though it has and still does scare the crap out of me at times...physically and literally.
I am grateful for this Great Power that lives in me and comforts me when I am so afraid. I truly am comforted by that which is Eternal...LOVE!
Happy Sunday to all!
xx
Replies
HEY! Good morning Vicki, It\'s good to hear you\'re feeling better today. Something has been \"literally scaring the crap out\" of you, as you suggested. And it seems there was an opportunity to get some good insight for you; the not allowing to be sick, and feeling scared to be sick.
Happier rest of the Sunday to you!
Hi Vicki. You are so brave. I am so sorry you have and are having a tough time. I do believe we emerge from these times even stronger than before but that doesn\'t make it any less frightening . I\'m similar to you in my experience of being ill. ... I still find it difficult. You amaze me and I am so proud of you as you go through this. Life makes us very humble and \'naked\' in our emotions and fragility. Sending you support and love xxx
Sending you lots of hugs and wishes for your recovery. Glad on the good news of your feeling better and on your results. Your look at your need for validation outside yourself mirrors what I sometimes still do- reminds me not to seek that from others. It can only come from love of ourselves. And we can love ourselves just as we are, warts and all.
Getting there. It\'s a long process, but like anything worth waiting for, it\'s worth it .And so are we.
Sending you lots of hugs and wishes for your recovery. Glad on the good news of your feeling better and on your results. Your look at your need for validation outside yourself mirrors what I sometimes still do- reminds me not to seek that from others. It can only come from love of ourselves. And we can love ourselves just as we are, warts and all.
Getting there. It\'s a long process, but like anything worth waiting for, it\'s worth it .And so are we.xxxxx