It only takes a second to break trust

There is something that has been going on in my current relationship that is just kind of eating me up. I told her about my past, I was completely open with her about the things I have done. I didn’t want to have a relationship, a serious one without her knowing what I had been in the past. She didn’t really take it well, but I guess she took it as well as could be expected. I told her very early on. Anyway, my GF has a big problem with my ex-wife, alimony etc. She hates that I have to pay, but it’s the law and it is what it is. She says that I still think about her welfare too much. I did something stupid, where I wanted to change my phone plan so I went to the sprint store and found out that the discount I get through my job is nothing compared to their “Framily” plan, and since both my ex and my daughter were already on sprint it just made sense to me to text them and ask if they wanted to do that to lower our bill. My GF was not on sprint, but I did give her all the info as well. Where I messed up was that I should have told my GF that the ex and my daughter were going on it to, or more accurately, I should have asked her how she felt about that before I made the texted my ex about it. If I had done that then things would have been a lot different. But I didn’t think, again! I just acted what I thought was logical. Here is where it gets bad. After I did all this, I still didn’t think about it being anything particularly wrong until my GF went to the sprint store to be added and she asked me who else was on it, at the moment it really came to me, that OMG this is going to be a huge fight, and so, I panicked and I lied. To compound matters she already knew of course they were on there. We went out and had a great time that night but the next day she was totally mean and shitty to me (as she can be when she is mad). I felt this huge pit of angst in my stomach when I lied to her in the car about the phone thing. You as cheaters all know that you can’t be a cheater without being a liar, they are the same thing. I felt so bad, I felt so shamed I felt terrible. The lie happened on Friday, on Sunday I couldn’t take it anymore and told her that I had lied to her, and of course she already knew. So of course she then questioned everything that I had ever said to her, and of course the fact that I thought of my daughter and ex before her. She knows my history and she has a very sharp tongue and really let me have it and pretty much said that she was trying to figure out how to leave me. This was a month ago. We have had lots of conversations about it, I have apologized over and over, but she feels that because of my past if I lie then I will cheat. I have been so faithful to her, I haven’t looked at another woman, it’s the furthest thing from my mind. But I fucked up, Again, and am so mad at myself. Even yesterday I was talking about going to a movie (she doesn’t like movies), she said that’s your decision if you want to go by yourself, but I don’t trust you and you would have to accept the consequences so go by yourself if you want. I know I hurt her, and I know that she is going to hold it over my head, and she has a right to. I prayed today for humility, and to just continue to be humble. But it did make me realize that I can still lie to my significant other, and I really thought I was done with that. She said this to me to and it is so true. It takes so long to build trust that can be broken in a second, and it takes 5 times as long to build it back. Anyhow I know it’s different than what a lot of you are going through, but in a way not. Even if some of you move on from your marriages or relationships, you will still have to deal with your past and tendencies with a new relationship someday. Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest, I really don’t have anyone I can talk to about it, I haven’t done therapy in months. Just need to , get it out.
 
As Always Be Blessed
GaC