IT JUST KEEPS GOING GOIN GONE
I read a journal where someone had written about Friends/Family that we felt would be there for us through anything...It seems everyone has that issue in some way..
After Ken passed, a so called Long time Friend that I felt would be there for me no matter what happened. After all I hoppled to the Funeral Home for her mother's memorial right after my knee replacement. I was there when her stepson passed. I was there through all her breakups..I was there for every thing and even today.
After Ken passed, she was not there for me...All I heard was, "I wish you were back like yourself" In my mind I would think this is me..this is me from the day my son's heart stopped and this is me now. But if I tried to talk to her in the beginning, just needing to talk, cry, share. She would say the same things we hear..Oh there in a better place. then I wish you were who you used to be.
Almost 6 years later, I do not want her as a so called friend. To me a friend will accept you...will be there for you...The last time I talked to her about Ken and it was a phone call and I just needed someone at that moment to listen, to let me cry. Now I understand our sadness is difficult for others who have not lost a child. But I had been there for her through breakups, her mom's death. That day when I started sharing and I know I was starting to cry, she stopped me and said Now Sandi you know he is in a better place (not the words a mom wants to hear), then I tried to share again (you needs meds) Finally, after about 5 minutes of the words you don't want to hear, she says well you just need to get a hobby(my mind screams A HOBBY) I just lost my baby. Finally, she says Go walk Abby that will get you mind off of it..(My mind is screaming, Are you kidding). Nothing takes the loss of your child from you...It's always there somewhere. The first three years it was the forfront of my life...Then things started to change...I said to myself or Kenny kicked me in the butt and said Mom get up LIVE..and I did that day...But I still was changed. I will never be the old Sandi...I don't even know who she was anymore. but I do know that who I thought were my friends...Her being my very long friend had all pulled away...and I admit I pushed them away too. But who wants to be friends with someone who only wants to tell you there problems, cry but when you need them like you have never needed anyone before your told "Go walk your dog". I knew that day our friendship was over. Today almost 6 years later she still does not get it.and I do not wish this on anyone, but because she could not accept me after Ken had died...I did not need that..I knew I would never talk to her again about my child so I don't call her, I don't even have anything to talk to her about anymore...MY OLDEST FRIEND...SHE LET ME DOWN...AND COULDN'T BE THERE FOR ME IN MY DEEPEST PAIN I HAD EVER FELT.
Not long ago she wanted to talk so she pulls me out of church. But the subject still was all about her...after 30 minutes, I finally said, I am going back in church.
It is sad to me that when you lose a child so many people will say hi but really don't want to be there for you. Today, I no longer do anything with her like we used to. I really do not need her friendship..She is in my past..but even as much as I avoid her she still wants to be not really friends, she just has to know someone is not mad at her.
Mad at her No....Disappointed in her...in these 5 plus years when something happens to her she calls she want me to hear her problems. I listen, then I hang up and dismiss whatever she talked about.
I know when someone dies, it is difficult for others to understand...but all that they have to understand is:
I just need someone to talk too. So who did I talk to strangers...I shared my story with strangers...and if I cried they didn't walk away...they listened. but really isn't that what we mom's need, we don't need advise, we just need someone who will listen and let us cry. That is what is so wonderful about this group...I have not met only one of you in this group, but you understand. You will listen, you will respond, you will let me cry, rant rave..Without this group of moms I dont know if I would have made it this far...and i still today feel so thankful that when something is going on and I need to share...I can come to a room with a bunch of strangers, but who understands and let's me write and say whatever I need.
For that I am thankful to each of you who has been there for me through these years...and are still here for me ...
To each of you...you are my friends...Thank you to all you moms....wish none of us had to be here, but thank God that we have each other. Sandi
After Ken passed, a so called Long time Friend that I felt would be there for me no matter what happened. After all I hoppled to the Funeral Home for her mother's memorial right after my knee replacement. I was there when her stepson passed. I was there through all her breakups..I was there for every thing and even today.
After Ken passed, she was not there for me...All I heard was, "I wish you were back like yourself" In my mind I would think this is me..this is me from the day my son's heart stopped and this is me now. But if I tried to talk to her in the beginning, just needing to talk, cry, share. She would say the same things we hear..Oh there in a better place. then I wish you were who you used to be.
Almost 6 years later, I do not want her as a so called friend. To me a friend will accept you...will be there for you...The last time I talked to her about Ken and it was a phone call and I just needed someone at that moment to listen, to let me cry. Now I understand our sadness is difficult for others who have not lost a child. But I had been there for her through breakups, her mom's death. That day when I started sharing and I know I was starting to cry, she stopped me and said Now Sandi you know he is in a better place (not the words a mom wants to hear), then I tried to share again (you needs meds) Finally, after about 5 minutes of the words you don't want to hear, she says well you just need to get a hobby(my mind screams A HOBBY) I just lost my baby. Finally, she says Go walk Abby that will get you mind off of it..(My mind is screaming, Are you kidding). Nothing takes the loss of your child from you...It's always there somewhere. The first three years it was the forfront of my life...Then things started to change...I said to myself or Kenny kicked me in the butt and said Mom get up LIVE..and I did that day...But I still was changed. I will never be the old Sandi...I don't even know who she was anymore. but I do know that who I thought were my friends...Her being my very long friend had all pulled away...and I admit I pushed them away too. But who wants to be friends with someone who only wants to tell you there problems, cry but when you need them like you have never needed anyone before your told "Go walk your dog". I knew that day our friendship was over. Today almost 6 years later she still does not get it.and I do not wish this on anyone, but because she could not accept me after Ken had died...I did not need that..I knew I would never talk to her again about my child so I don't call her, I don't even have anything to talk to her about anymore...MY OLDEST FRIEND...SHE LET ME DOWN...AND COULDN'T BE THERE FOR ME IN MY DEEPEST PAIN I HAD EVER FELT.
Not long ago she wanted to talk so she pulls me out of church. But the subject still was all about her...after 30 minutes, I finally said, I am going back in church.
It is sad to me that when you lose a child so many people will say hi but really don't want to be there for you. Today, I no longer do anything with her like we used to. I really do not need her friendship..She is in my past..but even as much as I avoid her she still wants to be not really friends, she just has to know someone is not mad at her.
Mad at her No....Disappointed in her...in these 5 plus years when something happens to her she calls she want me to hear her problems. I listen, then I hang up and dismiss whatever she talked about.
I know when someone dies, it is difficult for others to understand...but all that they have to understand is:
I just need someone to talk too. So who did I talk to strangers...I shared my story with strangers...and if I cried they didn't walk away...they listened. but really isn't that what we mom's need, we don't need advise, we just need someone who will listen and let us cry. That is what is so wonderful about this group...I have not met only one of you in this group, but you understand. You will listen, you will respond, you will let me cry, rant rave..Without this group of moms I dont know if I would have made it this far...and i still today feel so thankful that when something is going on and I need to share...I can come to a room with a bunch of strangers, but who understands and let's me write and say whatever I need.
For that I am thankful to each of you who has been there for me through these years...and are still here for me ...
To each of you...you are my friends...Thank you to all you moms....wish none of us had to be here, but thank God that we have each other. Sandi
Replies
Hi Sandi. I think we can all relate to \'friends\' like that. My social worker friend was nowhere to be found after Lisa died. I don\'t think she consciously ignored me, but I think she could not face the fact that it could be one of her children.
For Moms Only definitely really did save me. I tried counseling but when I got there I couldn\'t think if a thing to say. Here, I spill my gut! Nobody tells us to get over it, that Lisa is in a better place and I don\'t hear about how awful it was to lose a parent or sibling. I remember when I went back to work about a week after Lisa\'s memorial, I had caring people who were very understanding (I worked in a seniors\' care centre and the chaplain and Palliative Care Nurse kept an eye on me). What I keep remembering is a staff member telling me that they missed my laugh. Funnily enough, I felt guilty!
I am not the same Marlene that I was. I have less patience; I don\'t have time for crap; things don\'t mean as much to me. I can laugh but it is not with the joy I felt before.
FMO is still a big part of my life and I am thankful every day.
Tight hugs my sister of the heart.
I too am very thankful for the moms who are friends here.
Unless you\'ve walked a mile in our shoes there is no real understanding. What I\'d like to add is that there have been people and friends who I would have never expected, step up and been there for me. Many things are no longer that important in the grand scheme of things. Guard your heart Sandi and surround yourself with those who love you and care about your feelings. FMO moms can and do share and understand, we\'ve found each other when we were meant to. I like being introduced to each child and reading about their lives because that\'s what\'s important, they lived and we loved.
Hugs, Debbie
I so agree with this post, you hit the nail on the head. I have distanced myself from others too as it is too hard to be the one to always have to smile for their benefit. I don\'t want to and I am sick and tired of being to the on always put myself out there for them. Some friends still keep in touch but like Marlene, I feel guilty that I feel so needy and lonely. Their presence it good but I want more. We have a home here even when we truly don\'t want it. Peace, Kathy
I had the same experience with my so called long time best friend. She did not even attend my Colleen\'s funeral, because she was not feeling well. When I needed to talk, she would bombard me with so called \'words of wisdom\' and then almost ordered me to carry on with my life. It became clear that we had nothing in common anymore, so I just cut her out of my life completely. Yes, while we help and support, we are the \'best\'. But when we need some understanding and support, we suddenly become unacceptable!!
Warm hugs to you, Sandi! xxx
oh Sandi,,, you said so much.... I am so sorry about your \'friend\' I think we all have friends like that... but so glad we have soth... they are the best! love ya!
Sandi, I\'m sorry that your \"friend\" hasn\'t been supportive. I am also finding some of my so called friends aren\'t friends at all. I think we scare them, because if this can happen to us, it can happen to them and they don\'t want to think about that. A while back someone asked me where I was finding support, and I told them about you ladies. I am so thankful to have found you all. Hugs, Paula
Sometimes when I read journals I wish I could say something that would help... kind of stupid in a way... I know, just as you said... sometimes all we need is someone to let us share, to care, to be there... There is nothing that can be said or done to fix some things... I do hear and care and I\'m honestly glad you shared. I know what you\'re talking about. Its sad but seems inevitable. The selfish cruelty of our so called friends and often family is sad. I\'m really sorry that your son Ken died. It sucks. I\'m sorry you have to walk this path. Hugs Elissa
Understanding and I believe each of us have found our address books have become \"slimmer.\"
Grateful beyond words for the loving support that is here daily and above all for the companioning and understanding.
Loving care, Sandi, and continued healing for us ALL on this path.
XO Joanie
Sandi, I could have written this journal verbatim. My friend of 25 years and her son was Bretts best friend and she has not been there for me at all. She said the same thing to me, he is in a better place, and he is not suffering. REALLY I am still angry and not sure what to do. She calls when she wants to share her problems . I don\'t even answer now, and she also left a voicemail and invited themselves for Labor Day at my home. This is the definition of a Narcissistic! I still haven\'t called her back!
I\'m sorry we have to walk this path with the so called friends. Sorry for rambling, but wow this really hit my heart hard.
Sending peace and hugs your way, thank god for the SOTH!
I get it also. The advantage I have is my BFF also lost her son. The people I know do not get it. They say things all backwards and meaningless. I hope you are better now I always feel better after pounding the keyboard of my computer and pouring my heart out.
Understanding hugs
Penny