It is still so hard

Well it has been a while since I have been journaling here. Today just like most of you has been a mixed bag of emotions. I was surprised with an anniversary gift this past week. My hubby and I were invited to stay in Carmel by the sea. It is near Pebble Beach. A friend was gracious enough to loan us his home for a few days so we could get away.. I love the beach. I love the sounds and the smells...but most of all I remember the memories. My Ben loved the beach too. As a matter of fact I had asked him about a month before his accident what he was going to do on his 21st birthday.. Of course I expected to hear "Vegas Baby" or Reno or go to the City and Party... but no he just said "You know mom, my 21 birthday in no big deal. It is just another day. I think I want to go to Monteray for the day and have fun in the tide pools." I knew my son never really did the party thing but I thought hey your only 21 once right? I was so proud of him. And when we drove past the place he wanted to go to for his birthday I felt sad. I just want to hold him again. I know this is how all of us feel. Sometimes getting on the site and reading your journals breaks my heart and lately I have been having a hard time reading them. I could chalk it up to menopause I guess...but I think deep down I am just greiveng not just for me but now for my dear friends. I pray daily for you. I haven't hugged or sent messages lately but please know that you are all considered so special to me. Love and hugs to allBens mom4everDebi