It Is Possible

I know I've come off as a Hypochondriac while on this site. Who know; maybe I am. But, I would really appreciate if you guys wouldn't point it out. I am a very sensitive person. I only came onto this site to talk about my problems to others who could relate to me.

Lately, I've been hyperfocusing on a certain topic: Autism. To be precise, Asperger's Syndrome (AS). As I've learned more and more about AS, I have seen a lot of traits that coinside with my personality, social life, and personal struggles.

Yes, I know it could just be Anxiety. I've had Anxiety my entire life. I remember one time, I was in Sunday School as a toddler to five year old (I don't remember how old I was). The class was singing Happy Birthday to my twin sister and I. We were standing at the front of the classroom. My sister was just standing there but my mom was holding me as I cried in her shoulder.

I recently learned a fact about how autistic children play: They line up their toys and rearrange them instead of imaginative play. No one in my family remembers how I played except for me and my dad. They didn't really think it was weird. I asked my dad how I played with my toy cars he made us when I was younger. He said "You would line them up like they were in a parade." I lined them up on a mat we had for the cars in order of winning races (which was two cars going along a race track and usually my favorite would win). I will try to explain it for you. Excuse me if it doesn't make sense.

First, the game would start by lining up all the cars in two lines by the beginning of the race track on the mat. I race them and my favorite won. Then the winner would drive to a place where a road starts on the mat and stop before they get on the mat while the loser gets back in line. I would repeat that process (people with Autism like repetitivity) each time moving the growing line down the road to the next destination.

I always played that game by myself and taught it to my twin sister. She would usually get bored with it and go away or she would get other toys and we would do imaginative play with the cars and little people together.

I would do something like that with our LEGO figurines: I would line them up and move their hair/hats along the line until it got back to normal. Then I would change what I moved down the line.

Another trait is innocence or literal thinking. I've had people say to me "you're too innocent to know" multiple times. I am glad they didn't share something with me I wouldn't have wanted to know but it also hurt. I think the reason why is because girls with Autism tend to mask up their symptoms to fit in and they didn't give me a chance to.

One time, my mom and older sister were talking and I asked them what they were talking about. They teased me by saying that some kids in a choir I was in (worst Thursdays of my life) were chosen to give a solo while dressed up. Their faces were stone cold as they said it and I started to cry because I believed them. They started to laugh so I realized they were joking but that experience scarred me for life.

People with AS (Asperger's Syndrome) rarely don't suffer with something else like Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, OCD, etc. I have OCD and I'm pretty sure it's obvious that I have Anxiety. I used to have Depression. I read that neurodivergents (non-normal brains) usually travel in packs. I have two best friends. One is diagnosed with ADHD and another is getting a diagnosis soon. I've heard of symptoms of having an autistic brain with ADHD and more than half of autistic people also have ADHD and I think I have it too.

Sensory issues is another thing. I honestly do not know if I suffer with sensory issues or not. It is not required for a diagnosis, though. When I'm getting the mail from the mailbox (which is 2 blocks away), sometimes I can't handle how so many people are outside or when bugs fly really close to me and are really loud. Sometimes, getting the mail is sensory torture. Also, when music is so loud I can feel it in my stomach or heart, it is uncomfortable. I do love to cuddle with my family and hug. But only when I want to. My friend with diagnosed ADHD doesn't understand personal space and is very clingy. It is really uncomfortable when she's being clingy because we live in Arizona, a hot place where everyone is sweaty and hot and sticky and smells terrible. Sensory torture. Also, sometimes cuddling and hugging are really hard to do because I can not stand smelling air that was just in someone's lungs, also known as: breath. I hold my breath while hugging and sometimes people hug for a long time. Also, when cuddling with my parents, there is always a constant breeze blowing from their noses into my face.

Okay, I guess I do suffer with sensory issues. Just differently then when they explain it on the internet or in books.

Stimming: Self-stimulatory behaviour. A self-soothing motion that autistic people and people with ADHD do to sooth themselves when over stimulated or under stimulated. It would just be easier to give a list rather than explain.

When I'm anxious, stressed, sad, bored, or angry, I rip my nails (not bite), clean under my nails, rock (even though my family protests against it), pull out my hair on my head, eyebrows, and fingers, pull apart split ends on my hairs, chew the insides of my mouth, pace around, tic, throw my hands so my fingers hit my palm (is that hand flapping? I don't know), chew my lips, bounce, smell my hands if they have lotion or soap on them, hum, rub my fingers against my mouth, rub my face, bounce my legs, breath out jerkily and repeatedly while my head gets moved back, tap my fingers or palm against my leg, crack my knuckles, face, hand, arm, or objects, hug pillows, and other stims I can't describe.

When I'm happy, excited, and learning something new about my special interests, I rock, flap my arms, dance, sing, bounce, jump, smell my hands if they have lotion or soap on them, smile a lot, tap my fingers or palm against my leg, face, hand, arm, or objects, and some other things I do in the other list. I can't really remember them all.

I found out that my avoiding eye contact is so that I can understand what people are saying. Also, people's eyes are judgy. I don't like masks because they force me to only look at people's eyes. I usually look at their nose, mouth, arms and hands if their using gestures, or not at all.

When I watch YouTube, sometimes I turn on the subtitles just so I can read what they say instead of looking at them talking.

I am constantly pulling at my shirt. It's another stim. Also, its uncomfortable when it touches my stomach.

I was a preemie. Preemies are at a higher risk of developing Autism

I have Lazy Eye/Strabismus. It's common for people with Autism to have eye problems. Also, my dad and twin sister have it.

As a toddler, I had a raspy voice. Another sign.

My special interests are (in no particular order): Dogs, Studio C, Doctor Who, (now) Autism/Asperger's, and space.

I collect things based off of my special interests.

I have a bunch of dog books (fiction and non-fiction), stuffed dog toys, blankets, pillowcases, movies, socks, pictures, and calenders.

I have a Studio C T-shirt, a bunch of Studio C fan made cards, pictures or screenshots, downloaded backgrounds, Valentines, and a newspaper article about an actor from Studio C.

With Doctor Who, I have all of Matt Smith's and David Tennent's episodes on DVD, Christopher Eccelston's episodes digital, a bunch of pictures and memes on my wall, shirts, songs, fan-made songs, transcripts of those songs, backgrounds, and a TARDIS with some characters my dad made.

I have space books, 3 galaxy/star projectors, socks, pants, a galaxy rock painting kit, and special interest where they travel through space.

I do mask a lot of my symptoms when in public. I don't like being judged.

I'm shy, quiet, a bit of an Introvert, smart, have a high IQ, have bad social skills, and am terrible at explaining things that aren't my special interests.

Fun fact: I just memorized the square root of pi to the 30th digit: 1.772453850905516027298167483341. Maybe soon I'll memorize actual pi past 3.14.

Please answer back but please don't say I'm just being a hypochondriac. My mom also thinks I have it. We're seeing a doctor next month so I'm getting answers soon.

Thank you for reading all the way through. Enjoy a joke: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? You never see a rabbit with glasses.