It is not for me!

I called Michael tonight because I had a bad day and wanted to talk. I know our agreement about it being ok to date others (because I want to be free to keep looking) as long as we are honest about it.  When I called he answered "Hello Sweetheart", I asked what he was up to and he told me he was getting ready to take another girl (named Brenda, go figure) out to dinner. She is 29 and a drunk, he seems like he takes on projects! Now I feel like I am just one of them and I don't like it.  I said oh, ok I will let you go, have a nice time. I was nice. He said don't be upset honey. Whatever! He is playing by MY rules. I thought I would be ok just having a playmate in my life but as it turns out I don't like to share! If and when I date a man, I want him to only want to date me. I know that is not fair because I do not only want to date Michael! I know that I am wanting my cake and eat it too and that is not fair or possible!  I didn't say anything to him but I have decided to break it off with him altogether. I felt hurt when I knew he was giving attention to another and it would only get worse if I allowed myself to get closer to him.  In a way I think he is trying to get me to say I want to be commited to him and him to me but I don't want that either. I will miss him but when I hung up the phone and my eyes filled with tears over someone I don't love or want to love I knew this was the "wrong thing for me!". The pleasure I get from him comes with a price and I am not willing to pay it!  Now I will be sad all night over someone I don't even feel worthy of being my partner. This IS his lifestyle but it will never work for me! I knew that from the begining but I gave it a shot anyway. I don't know if I will ever see him again or want to. He is totally unaware of my decision at this point and I am not a drama queen so I will not say anything unless he calls to see me. I will not call him again.  He said during our short conversation, don't be upset OK. I said I am not, I know you have the right to do as you please. I said I know I am "just the weekend girl". He said don't say that like you are not worthy of more it is just that "our" lifestyles won't permit it. I have kids and we live about 30 min. away from eachother so it is hard to get together during the week.  He said you deserve to be someone's everything. I said I know I do and this is not going to end well! Again he asked me not to get upset, I said I'm not and wished him well. He said I will call you later ok. I said don't worry about it, have a nice time!  Totally unfair. I have been on dates with others since we started seeing eachother. Michael admits he does not like to be alone and I can't be with him during the week. I shouldn't care but for some reason, I felt badly about myself. He has told me about this other Brenda and her drama and he tries to help her and her mother (who is in the hospital).  It made me feel like I too am a "project" for him, not a worthy woman.  I knew that is how I would feel dating someone that dates others. So I am done! I would rather be lonely! Only problem is I don't know how I will handle it when he realizes I am not going to see him. He may very well offer to commit to me.  I will miss him but I don't want to commit to him! Why does it have to be all or nothing with me? Why would I shed tears over a man I don't love who is playing by my own rules and being honest with me and treating me better than most who claimed to love me?  I just want a guy for me, that is all mine but I don't want to risk loving anyone or giving up my new found freedom. Wow, I have no clue how I am ever going to figure this shit out! I want someone but I don't. What a fucked up mess I am!!!!  Until just now I have enjoyed our friendship. I guess I let myself care too much. I don't know how to like someone and not care. I think that is what I am trying to do. Good luck with that!! I know I have to get out of this before I get hurt anymore.  I think he will be hurt too when I tell him I just can't do it anymore. I know he will try to convince me to keep trying and/or offer me more but I will have to stay strong and say no.  It is sad, I will miss him! We had a lot of fun and during the times we spent together he did make me feel special and pretty and worthy but right now, I feel like I am no better than the "drunken project" he is out with tonight.  I could have shown my ass and demanded he break his date. I think he would have but that is not fair to him. All I can do is give him up! Damn it!!   Guess I will have a lot more time to hang with the guys on DS.  I liked pretending I had someone special but that is all I was doing! It wasn't real, now I have real tears. Where is happy for me??? I don't even want to try anymore. No one could give me what I want because I want the impossible! Love, guarantees, honesty and still keep my freedom LOL  I wonder if I will ever be able to risk my heart again?  I pray someday I will!