It is his birthday

I tried to call him this morning. I wanted to wish him a happy birthday. He didn't answer. Typical. Funny that he never takes my calls anymore but if I block him or in some way don't take his calls... he goes bananas. Double standard but then that is old news.
I hate him and I love him and most importantly I am sick of thinking about him. I am looking for the right answer. The right combination of words to help me. I am looking for a magic pill to ease my anxiety and my stress and my panic. I am seeing my new therapist on Wednesday and it will be a weekly appointment. Honestly, I have been in therapy a long time looking for the right combination of words to help me and I can't find it. I am not hopeful this will help.
On the way to work this morning a new thought occured to me. What if I am not broken? What if my grieving process isn't stunted and what if it is right where it needs to be? What if, for now, I am still in a place where I need to cry some more? Beat my head against the wall some more? Be sad some more? Maybe I just have a ways to go still.........?