It is getting harder

We began our Christmas shopping to-day.  I am determined to maintain some of the traditions that Lisa initiated after Cevyn was born.  One is filling everyone's stocking with socks, candy and other odds and sods.  One thing she always did was put a box of chocolate rosettes in Cevyn's.  So Joe and I went sock and candy hunting.  Of course I began to cry and I looked at Joe and tears were streaming down his cheeks.  It is just so damn hard.  It is even worse when all the cashiers ask "How are you today".  I am tempted to say "crappy, how are you?"  I wouldn't because on Christmas '08, I was one of the cheery ones.  There is no point in spoiling other people's days.
I get annoyed seeing the decorations in the stores and hearing the constant drone of Christmas songs.  The movies are all about Christmas. 
I am feeling very Scroogy right now.  Bah humbug!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m right there with you. We\'ll humbug together.
NoraMc
NoraMc

I guess my sad face at the grocery store gets people, when they ask \"how are you?\" so chipper, I look down and shake my head. they tend not to say much after that. My hubby is the one to answer, For me the worst,,,I have to play those christmas songs...this year...they are only little black notes on a page! Nora
KandL
KandL

I\'m with you. I come out of stores from dealing with the chipper cashiers & say to Ken, \"I hate people!\" Of course its not their fault that all is bittersweet now. I do think its good to carry on some of sweet Lisa\'s traditions for Cevyn. I\'m sure it will make her know her mom is close by. Love and hugs and wishes for a peaceful Christmas for you and your family, Linda
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

I understand the humbug. At the same time, we want our homes to express love and connection. I feel like I am walking a tightrope. It\'s pretty hard to say anything to me that I don\'t feel like arguing with, lol. So I try to just let all the BS fly off me like I\'m teflon. I can come home and cry but damn I\'m tired of crying in my car in parking lots. Grumpf! Maybe a little bah humbug will give us some very helpful backbone.
: )
Love, Sarah
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think you should be able to be however/whoever you want to be but others just don\'t get it. They don\'t know, and hopefully they never will know of the heartbreak we carry with us wherever we go or whatever we do, whenever it makes itself known. So sometimes it is just easiest to stay away or be someone else when approached by those who just don\'t get it. That is what I try to do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn\'t. Oh well . . .
biowoman
biowoman

Hey...you are doing the best you can...you DID get out and that is something. Cevyn is lucky to have you try and continue the traditions. It is hard...no matter how you look at it...love and hugs...Karen