It is getting dark in here
It is unfortunate, but I have become convinced that I was just the last straw in my Doctors challenging day....I was just the umpteenth whiney patient she had seen on that day, very very last day, before her very pregnant self took her maternity leave. And she thrust that prescription at me, in pure annoyance, and frustration...to get rid of me. To move on. She didn't talk to me about to risks with this medication, (especially the very same heart fluttery risks that pulled me off Concerta) she did not discuss dosage with me, or when to follow up. In fact, she did not say much at all. She wrote on her pad, forcefully, while muttering "ok!!! But this is it. The last thing. I have to leave now". Then she thrusts the paper into my hand and walked out...
Firstly, it was not MY fault, she was 40 mins behind that day. I was 25 mins early! Secondly, knowing I was struggling, really struggling on that day...should've given her more pause. To take a moment, a breathe, and to really look at me, and discuss my options. YES! WE decided weeks ago to hold off on the ADHD medication because it was messing with my heart condition. We decided that together. However, when I show up at your door/office, weeks later, in tears, telling you how hard it has been. I have lived like this my whole life, unassisted...and for 36.5 years, I did ok, I managed. But having seen the fog lifted...having seen things as others must see it, so less cluttered, so complete....it left me in awe of my life. Left me with hope about what I could still become. Having all that suddenly shut down again...darkened....I feel LOST. Incomplete. Almost unable to function.
So I need you, Dear Doctor, to look me in the eyes on that day, and do what you swore you would do, and help me. But you didn't...you couldn't. And we all have bad days. But now you are gone, the one doctor I trusted....and I have no idea what my next move should be. But I am certain that 20mgs of Ritilan a day is not the answer :(...HOw do I getback on track??
My 5 year old boy, he adores his mommy....He truly relies on me. God know why?? Surely, I have never been focused much on being the bets mom I could be. THough he and his father say differently. But those few weeks on Concerta, I FELT it! I felt like I was truly connecting with my son (and my husband too!) Finally truly able to sit and connect with him, instead of feeling the need to get up every 3 mins and move around, to do the next think on my mind, and the next and the next....I felt I could BE an amazing mom . And now....that is gone as well.
I am so discouraged
Firstly, it was not MY fault, she was 40 mins behind that day. I was 25 mins early! Secondly, knowing I was struggling, really struggling on that day...should've given her more pause. To take a moment, a breathe, and to really look at me, and discuss my options. YES! WE decided weeks ago to hold off on the ADHD medication because it was messing with my heart condition. We decided that together. However, when I show up at your door/office, weeks later, in tears, telling you how hard it has been. I have lived like this my whole life, unassisted...and for 36.5 years, I did ok, I managed. But having seen the fog lifted...having seen things as others must see it, so less cluttered, so complete....it left me in awe of my life. Left me with hope about what I could still become. Having all that suddenly shut down again...darkened....I feel LOST. Incomplete. Almost unable to function.
So I need you, Dear Doctor, to look me in the eyes on that day, and do what you swore you would do, and help me. But you didn't...you couldn't. And we all have bad days. But now you are gone, the one doctor I trusted....and I have no idea what my next move should be. But I am certain that 20mgs of Ritilan a day is not the answer :(...HOw do I getback on track??
My 5 year old boy, he adores his mommy....He truly relies on me. God know why?? Surely, I have never been focused much on being the bets mom I could be. THough he and his father say differently. But those few weeks on Concerta, I FELT it! I felt like I was truly connecting with my son (and my husband too!) Finally truly able to sit and connect with him, instead of feeling the need to get up every 3 mins and move around, to do the next think on my mind, and the next and the next....I felt I could BE an amazing mom . And now....that is gone as well.
I am so discouraged
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