It is a time for patience,I am learning to be still

Good morning journal,the time is now 8:27am and I have been fully awake for about ten minutes or so after almost ten hours of uninterrupted sleep.I am finding it more difficult to come here to my journal to write,my mind is becoming sluggish and unsettled,rendering me almost incapable of my usual deftness with words.I feel confused and mixed up a lot of the time and I am afraid that I may be losing the capability of communicating anything through my writing anymore,this saddens me more than I can say,even when I could not say verbally what I was feeling,I was always able to sit in silence and write about how I was feeling,what I was going through,my fears,my joys,my hopes,now,I struggle to think of ways to say anything,and losing the ability of my mind to explain things in the written word was always my biggest fear.I know things seem to be moving at long last regarding my physical and mental care,my concern is have they started to move too late?,I know that I have to be patient,patience and I have never been good companions,but I am trying to learn to be still,just stand in the river of life and let the water do the work without me struggling against the tide all the time,it will happen,the things I need to help me get better I mean,but I sometimes sit and think,how long before I pass the point where any help is too late?. My mental well being is deteriorating at a quicker pace than I would like,and there are times when I feel like a stranger within my own body,it is a thing of great sadness when a person doesn't know who they are anymore,and I struggle to maintain the little piece of me that remains.There are occasions when my depression and sense of hopelessness envelop me like a great blanket of despair,and,although I try to show,outwardly at least,a sense of some positivity,it is getting to be much harder to keep up the act,for that is what it is most of the time,and there are times when I let myself down spectacularly,and it grieves me to see my wife's concern at these times,so I try extra hard to maintain an air of "I'm okay" around her.Physically,I am weaker than I have been at any point since my incapacitation,and I struggle to walk or even stand for any length of time,I am only fifty eight years of age,but I feel very old sometimes.I know my COPD/Emphysema is a major part of my general weakness,but the atrophy in both of my legs and upper torso does not help the situation greatly.We can only wait for the help that I have been promised to materialize,until then,I will continue to get through each day with the willpower I have left and the love and strength that comes from my Father in Heaven,until next time journal,one breath at a time,we move on.