It hurts

Hi. I'm new here. I was sent here by a crisis line when I was ready to die tonight... 

my last suicide attempt was 3 years ago this October. 

I have been disganosed with Manic Depression, Bipolar depression, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, and insomnia. 

I had been doing so well for those 3 years... well mentally anyway. I've been from job to job for the last year now and mentally keeping it together but now I don't have one at all. I had one lined up but when I went for my orientation, they rejected me because my birth certificate wasn't the correct one (even though it's the only one my mother was given...).

now I'm panicking. The anxiety is setting in and I just want to die. How am I gonna pay bills and rent...? I can't even see my therapist because I owe them 50 bucks for some reason... I emailed a psychiatrist asking for help but i haven't heard back in days... 

when i told my fiancé I was feeling suicidal again, he got upset. Told me I should leave him and how it's like I don't care about him. I lost it when he said that. I had the worst panic attack that I've had in years! Of course I care about him! i love him so much. It's me I don't care about. I'm the worthless sack of nothing. I love him so much... he deserves better than me. He deserves a woman that isn't mentally ill. Whose life he doesn't have to worry about. I wish my family hated me. I wish he would leave me. That would make ending my life so much easier...

I try to convince myself that if I kill myself... than I won't feel any guilt for what I've done... I feel terrible for even feeling this way, even though it feels like it's out of my hands... 

My mother doesn't understand at all! Trying to explain mental illness to her is like trying to have a deaf person listen to your favorite song. Pointless. 

The last time I attempted, I told her the night before that I was feeling suicidal. She called me immature, that I was acting like I was 16 again. Than completely destroyed my belongings in a fit of rage... that's what sent me over the edge... 

my sister doesn't care at all. And my brother didn't used to care at all, but now it seems like he may be trying to form a connection just in case I succeed in dying next time. 

A life like this isn't worth it. It's just not...