It has made a difference
Being sick has made a difference. I am different than I was before. I know we all change and who knows what would have been had I not become sick.
My point is that I have been dealing with insecurities and a lack of confidence. There have been times (pre sickness) when of course I had to deal with insecurities. Most people have them.
What I'm talking about is the lack of confidence that comes from being in a world of sickness for 12 years. Isolation and withdrawal. It's a strange thing.
I was able to teach part time for a while during my sick years but now that I am trying to do this new program I have found that I don't bounce back from discouragement as quickly as I used to. I just have to work harder at it.
I really have to work hard to think positively and believe in my abilities.
I read once where it can take up to two years to try to change your mental mind set and reprogram negative thought patterns. I have to keep trying.
Of course, I'll never know what might have been, so here I am doing the best with what I have. Yet, I can't help but wonder what it is that weighs me down. Okay, fatigue plays a HUGE role...but is that the whole story behind my feeling like I'm constantly trying to pick myself up?
One minute I'm feeling like I'm capable and can manage and then I feel tired and achy and I wonder if it's worth it. It has to be worth it, I know that in my heart. I just can't figure out why the fatigue has to take over mind, body, spirit and make it so I just want to give up.
I want to enjoy instead of the mental mind set that I've had for so long of just getting through it, just surviving, just doing the best I can. Fatigue does make a difference. Chronic illness does change our thought process. It doesn't mean we don't have joy or laughter or good moments, it just means that sometimes we have to take a lot of deep breaths of encouragement to "get there."
Carry on.
My point is that I have been dealing with insecurities and a lack of confidence. There have been times (pre sickness) when of course I had to deal with insecurities. Most people have them.
What I'm talking about is the lack of confidence that comes from being in a world of sickness for 12 years. Isolation and withdrawal. It's a strange thing.
I was able to teach part time for a while during my sick years but now that I am trying to do this new program I have found that I don't bounce back from discouragement as quickly as I used to. I just have to work harder at it.
I really have to work hard to think positively and believe in my abilities.
I read once where it can take up to two years to try to change your mental mind set and reprogram negative thought patterns. I have to keep trying.
Of course, I'll never know what might have been, so here I am doing the best with what I have. Yet, I can't help but wonder what it is that weighs me down. Okay, fatigue plays a HUGE role...but is that the whole story behind my feeling like I'm constantly trying to pick myself up?
One minute I'm feeling like I'm capable and can manage and then I feel tired and achy and I wonder if it's worth it. It has to be worth it, I know that in my heart. I just can't figure out why the fatigue has to take over mind, body, spirit and make it so I just want to give up.
I want to enjoy instead of the mental mind set that I've had for so long of just getting through it, just surviving, just doing the best I can. Fatigue does make a difference. Chronic illness does change our thought process. It doesn't mean we don't have joy or laughter or good moments, it just means that sometimes we have to take a lot of deep breaths of encouragement to "get there."
Carry on.
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