It has been a while
It has been a while since I posted on here. I have not posted because my life is still a mess, my ED still has a hold on me. I have dug a deep hole and I can't climb out. Still working on getting insurance, the paperwork has been turned in, now I am waiting a week till I get in the system. Pretty lame. Other than BPing every freaking day, I started exercising again. That has helped a little bit. But not a lot. I have freaking gained 14 lbs, in 3 weeks. How is that possible? I am comfortable in recovery that right now that I don't care about how much I have gained, more like I care about how I gained it. I am also afraid that if I don't stop this cycle, I will gain more and more and then I WILL care about how much I have gained. I am no longer underweight which is good, but I did that in such an unhealthy way. I am still malnourished because when a person gains weight from binging on crap, they are not able to absorb ANY nutrients. So my husband and I are starting to get along better. Wed was out four year anniversary and we celebrated it by ingoring each other and fighting. I just tear up when I think about it. I don't care about fancy presents and such, but I do care about spending quality time together doing something that is fun. Chis has become a freaking horndog too and I can't handle it. He always has an erection and I tell him to masterbate or something because there is no way I am going to let him near me with it. I don't think he understands about men. Men need to masterbate because it is healthy for them. It is unhealthy and it leads to medical problems when they don't doanything about it. Ummm OK I am getting way off subject Not like I had one to begin with. I am excited about starting my business, but I am scared because I am such a hypocrite. I can't tell others what to do when I can't do it myself! I am one of the most unhealthiest people on earth right now. I need to beat this ED or else it will ruin my life. I am praying I have a good day today. I had one Wed, but today is 4th of July and I can see all the freaking food involved. I am sooo scared. Maybe I should just say fuck it and start recovery on Monday. I hate food
Replies
hey hun! first of all big hugs! and i understand how men can get annoying wen all they r is horny all the time omg it sux! Anyways u gt to a low weight in an unhealthy way so with an ed it is like that. u gain and loose weight in an unhealthy way and thats what i guess recovery is about learning to eat again in a healthy apropriate way! you will do it in time :) give yaself time though! cos it is hard thats why wea all here on this site!
I\'m sorry you had a bad day and you and your husband are not getting along. I know ED sucks. Just take baby steps. And I know men can be so annoying sometimes. But, hang in there.
that\'s great that things are happening (albeit slowly!) with the insurance. it\'s a hard space to be in when you are feeling so low about yourself that you start to push your partner away. i remember there was a time where i couldn\'t even let my ex hug me. you\'ve got to get out of that space sweetie - i know it will just be tearing him up - he will think it\'s all him blah blah. talk to him about it would be my advice (wish i had!) otherwise it spirals into other things.
tell us more about this exciting business of yours! you are so brave for doing that!!! congratulations!!