It has been a while
OMG! I have not been on here for so long! Part of the reason was that I was out of control with my binging and purging...still going on every freaking day, the amounts of food getting bigger and bigger..The other part was that I was visiting my family across the country and they don't have internet. (Good excuse huh) So how am I now? Just freaking great! Visiting my family was the best thing I could have done. I was there for a week, and only bped twiced. I ate normally, (no restricting) and I felt so loved and not alone. I have not seen them for a few years, and the last time I saw them we got off on a bad note. I truly felt like my anxiety was taking over when I went to see them. I felt like they were all against me. Much to my suprise, that was not the case at all. They truly still loved me and I had an emotionally great time. So the two slip-ups. One was on the first day that I was there. We went out to dinner and it ws Chillis (they have NO healthy food there) I tried to eat something healthy, but then I was starving, there were chips and salsa, and I said what the heck, I might as well get full and then purge. Big mistake!. As soon as we went home, I went to the bathroom and started purging. My mom was getting me a robe, and she came in and saw. I upset the whole family. My little sister was crying and it just sucked so bad. So of course what do I do? I go downstairs and finnish my purge using a plastic bag. It was horrible and I feel so guilty about it. After that, every meal I ate, they wopuld ask me if I threw it up. I didn't, but they always thought that I did. I bped a few days later (in a bag again) when I was too consumed with my anxiety. This doesn't sould like much, but it is a great accomplishment for me to go for a few days without bping. I thought I would always bp everyday, and I havn't. I broke a piece of the cycle and I am so proud of myself. Even on days where I did it, was different. Usually I binged 2wice a day, and purged like 10 times. It was really an accomplishment to only do it once. So I left my family on a good note and drove all the way back home (they live in colorado and I live in Cali) I bped the day I got home, but only a small one, and the nexy day I actually did not restrict, but went a little over my boundary with food. I am making small changes, but I have to look at them as huge changes because I don't want to give up, there are too many people on the line, and it is a hard life to only focus on food. y ED is still here though, Chris (my hubby) thought that I would be cured, but I am not of course, and we got into a fight because I was telling myself over and over that it was ok for me to eat the extra food. He got mad and said "Why wouldn't it be?" Then he was mad about it for a while and told me to stop and that it was stupid of me to say that too myself. I know in my heart that he is fucking wrong and that I have to say those things...its a part of recovery. He is a fucking dumb ass when it comes to recovery and I can't believe that he is trying to interfere...when obviously, (to you guys anyway) I am fucking doing the right thing. Sorry about that last vent, but I am so angry that he did that. If I can't talk to him about it or even eat and say my coping phrases. Well thats it for me. I start school today, so I know I will have no time to even start a binge.Love you all on DS.Dominique
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